A Call for Class

Was Facebook right to remove breastfeeding photos?

2012-01-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

If you know me, you know how I feel about over-sharing on Facebook and other social media sites. I've even written about people who need a Facebook intervention here. I have chosen to draw a very clear line between my personal and professional life, especially when it comes to my online activity. There are no photos of my children on my Facebook page and there never will be, until they're old enough to have their own pages and decide for themselves. I realize that this approach is considered extreme by some parents and while I feel strongly about this, I don't judge other parents who are more comfortable with this kind of sharing.

So I was intrigued by a recent story about a Canadian mother of three who is angry that Facebook removed her candid breastfeeding photos on the grounds that photos which contain a fully exposed breast violate their terms. This mother has already had 20 images removed from Facebook and has had her account access revoked on four separate occasions. She claims that, by removing the photos, Facebook sends the message that breastfeeding in public not acceptable and that the natural and nourishing act of breastfeeding is shameful and should be hidden.

As a mother, I believe in breastfeeding. I accept it as natural, nourishing and, sometimes, beautiful. I'm amazed that nature has imbued us with everything we need to take care of our offspring and get them off to a healthy start. I also know from personal experience and countless anecdotes from friends, that it's not always easy, is sometimes impossible and doesn't always fit in to the lifestyle of a new mother. I believe that every mother has a choice and though your choice might not be my choice, I wouldn't tell any new mother there is a right way and a wrong way to feed her baby.

As a person who is passionate about discretion, I tried to avoid breastfeeding in public but as any new mom knows, babies decide when they're hungry. So when it was necessary, I looked for a private area and covered up as much as possible. I didn't do this because I thought it was embarrassed, unnatural, or shameful. I did it because I am not personally comfortable revealing that much of myself in public and I was also sensitive to the discomfort of those around me in a public setting such as a restaurant or family gathering. So, after reading the article, I tweeted a link to to it and asked if it was really necessary to share such explicit photos. I soon learned that this is a very sensitive issue with the propensity to get muddled very quickly. I was immediately bombarded with tweets from activists on what a wonderful, natural and beautiful thing breastfeeding is and how questions like mine just serve to continue the cycle of shame associated with doing it in public. Of course, I had never questioned its nature, beauty or wonder but in questioning it at all, I was perceived to be against it. The discourse on this story, in forums and comments boards, contains much of the same sentiment even though, to me and many others, the question was never about the value of breastfeeding but rather, if Facebook was the best forum for such an intimate conversation and if it was fair to insist that Facebook, a private company, adapt its policies to appease its users.

I know that it is fruitless to argue with people whose intention is not to share another perspective but to change your opinion so I asked for more information to help me see what I was missing. I was told that Facebook is the perfect forum for this because we need to "normalize" breastfeeding in our culture. As a mother who has given birth twice in the last decade, I had assumed that breastfeeding was already normalized, in Ontario anyway. I started to receive breastfeeding education (formally and informally) the minute my first pregnancy was confirmed and the barrage of information, tips, advice and guidance didn't stop until well after I delivered my first child. Shortly after the birth of my second child, I was hospitalized for an infection. This made breastfeeding very difficult and my son quickly lost a lot of weight. Even then, I was surrounded by health care professionals who insisted that I continue to breastfeed -- through illness, fever and delirium -- when my every instinct was telling me that the child just needed to be fed and the source of the food was not important. This experience convinced me that breastfeeding is firmly established in our culture.

So, I'm torn about this issue. If, as the advocates claim, there are women in Canada who don't have any access to breastfeeding information and who might turn to Facebook as their only source for tips on how to do it successfully, I guess photos like this help and Facebook should learn to tell the difference between exposed breasts that are pornographic in nature and those that are performing the most natural of functions. On the other hand, my natural penchant towards discretion tells me that just because something is natural doesn't mean everyone in my circle needs to see it. My days feature many "natural" occurrences and some things that could be deemed "beautiful" but most of them are private. I might share bits and pieces in the company of close friends but I wouldn't feel comfortable making them public to all my friends, acquaintances and business associates. But that's me.

In chatting with people about this story, I've realized that it's a polarizing topic. Few people sit on the proverbial fence when it comes to the need to "normalize" breastfeeding. For the most part, people are in one of two camps, only distinguished by the degree to which they believe they are right. I've since heard that in the wake of overwhelming outcry, Facebook has apologized to the mother in question and I supposed that, in the end, like all things social media, the public will decide what is and isn't appropriate.

Ten Surprising Things I Learned While Running My Own Business

2012-01-18T18:18:00.000-05:00

For eight years, I co-owned a successful Toronto PR agency. At its peak, we had 13 employees and a niceportfolio of global brands and local start-ups. I’m a freelancer now but I often draw upon thelessons I learned at the helm of a “real” enterprise. Some of them might be interesting for you if you’rerunning a small business or thinking about it:

1. The business is always with you - A small business is like a child. It’s just as demanding and it needs you24-7. It makes you work on your days offand puts a damper on your vacations. Itwakes you up early and whispers to you when you’re sleeping. It's unpredictable and just when you think you've got it figured out, it hits you with the office equivalent of teething pain.

2. Rules are not abad thing - When you start, it's tempting to eschew boring, restrictivethings like time sheets, office hours and signed contracts but eventually youwill need them and they are a lot harder to introduce later on. Take the time to develop processes for youroffice, your employees and your clients. You won't alwyas look at them when things are good but you'll rely on them whenrelationships sour.

3. When you areresponsible for someone's livelihood, you make decisions you wouldn't make asan independent - We all know when a client isn't a good fit or when it'stime to turn down another low-paying account. And when it's just you, you can do that. But when people are relying on you to pay the bills, you will sometimescompromise to keep the cash flowing.

4. Managementtheorists are not always right - There is no shortage of business guruspeddling their books, preaching about swimming with sharks and getting out ofyour comfort zone. The thing is, most of them aren'tactually running a small business and some have never even worked in acorporate setting. Read the books, stayabreast of the trends but remember, the concepts are theoretical.

5. You can't leadwithout a map - When finding clients is your main focus, it's easy toforget about business goals that aren't related to sales. While you don't need a sophisticated vision/missionstatement, you do need a plan for the kind of company you want to create. If you don't have a roadmap for growing yourbusiness, someone else will grow it for you, and not necessarily in the way youenvision.

6. You can't doeverything - This is one of the toughest lessons for business owners tolearn, especially in a consulting business where human capital is the equity. The only way to expand is to hireother people, train them, trust them and let them sink or swim. Yes, mistakes will be made but if youmicromanage, you will never get out of the office. Note: I'm not sure I ever perfected this.

7. You won't believethe paperwork - Until you are big enough to pay someone to take care ofyour non-core business, you will be a CEO, HR director, accountant, procurementofficer and sales director and you'll be up to your ears in tax forms, leasingagreements, photocopier rentals, paycheques, invoices, IT upgrades, and, sadly, termination papers.

8. Never count yourchickens before they hatch - Nothing is confirmed until everyone signs onthe dotted line. People will accept joboffers and then change their minds. Potentialclients will ask you to spend hours on a proposal only to decide they're goingto handle things in-house. And peoplewill tell you the cheque is in the mail when it's still on their desk. Be conservative in your projections.

9. Things move muchslower than you anticipate - Occasionally you'll get a new client who needsyou to start immediately, but more often, the sales cycle is glacially slow andthere can be a few months from a first meeting to winning the business to workingon the account to seeing that first cheque.

And most importantly...

10. If it doesn'tfeel right, it probably isn't right - You will know within a couple ofmonths if something isn't working whether it's a project, a new employee or anew office process. But no one wants to admit they made a mistake so you hold on and hope that things will change. They rarely do and you end up having a toughconversation two years later than you should have. Follow your instincts. They're what got you where you are.

Tipping wait staff - obligation or nicety?

2012-01-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

They seem happy. I wonder how much they'll leave me...

There has been a lot of discussion in Toronto media lately about whether the standard restaurant tip should go up to the Manhattan standard of 20 per cent from the current standard 15 per cent so I thought I'd sort out some of the misinformation that's out there from an etiquette point of view.

Before I begin, let me say that I worked as a waitress in a very busy restaurant for about a year so I am well aware of the rigours of the job - the hours on your feet, the demanding customers, the heavy trays, a pace that is often so frantic, you don't even have time to eat. Despite this, I considered it to be a great job at the time because the tips I earned offset the hourly minimum wage I was receiving. I was also fitter than any other time in my life, but I digress.

The point is, I considered myself very lucky to be in a job that involved tips because I had many friends who were also working in minimum wage jobs in retail and clerical environments who didn't receive any tips at all. That said, I knew that the size of the tip, if one was given, depended on the diner. For the most part, the harder I hustled, the higher my tips but there were no guarantees. Sometimes I provided amazing service and got nothing. That's life. Now that I've been in the workforce for two decades I believe that every job is hard, every job has challenges and every job has aspects of it that make you feel unappreciated and disrespected. No single profession or industry has a monopoly on hard work.

A little about the history of this practice. Tipping started in the taverns of 17th century England when thirsty patrons would slip bartenders a bit of extra money "to ensure promptitude" (the origin of the word, T.I.P). It migrated to North America in the 1800s and, while it had a bit of a bumpy start, it is now widespread and even expected here.

The practice of tipping varies among cultures. In some countries, it is not expected at all and in others it makes up the bulk of the server's pay. In some U.S. states, restaurant owners are allowed to pay wait staff less than minimum wage so that patrons can "make up" the remainder of their salary through tips which seems unethical. Here in Canada, restaurant servers have to receive at least minimum wage and many of them rely upon tips to pad their take-home pay. Culturally, refusing to leave a tip or leaving an amount considered less than appropriate, is often seen as cheap or insensitive and will often bring on the wrath of your dining companions.

The standard tip in Toronto is about 15 per cent of the pre-tax bill although I have certainly been in situations where I've rounded it up to 20 per cent for ease of calculation or to recognize outstanding service. Although using percentages is simple, it bases the tip on the size of the bill, rather than the quality of the service which is not necessarily the fairest approach. A family with kids could easily use up a lot more of a waiter's time on a $50 dinner than a couple might use on a $100 dinner.

Although tipping is commonplace in Toronto, it's important to remember that it shouldn't feel like an obligation and the amount itself is technically also at the patron's discretion, although most will abide by the standard. Some restaurants get around this by automatically adding a tip (gratuity) to tables of eight or more. Although I've never complained, this doesn't sit quite right with me as it turns the tip into a non-negotiable transaction rather than a gift for a job well done. According to a recent Toronto Star article, a growing number of restaurants in Toronto have reprogrammed their debit and credit machines to prompt patrons to include a 20 per cent tip. According to owners, many guests have welcomed the change but there is a presumptuous air about it which doesn't account for the fact that the tip is technically optional and the amount should be based on the quality of the service.

As when I was working as a waitress, there are still many people today making minimum wage in jobs which don't provide any tips. Most of the time, these jobs are no less grueling or demanding. There is just no cultural expectation built up around how they are rewarded.

Over 20 years of dining out, I have had outstanding service and I have had crappy service. I have waited for 15 minutes to even be acknowledged and I have been plagued by over-zealous staff who are at the table every two minutes. I have had friendly, service-oriented waiters who genuinely want to enhance my experience and sullen, bored ones who seemed like they couldn't wait to get home. Even after my worst experiences, I have never had the nerve to leave nothing. In the end, guilt or the opinion of my tablemates gets to me and I begrudgingly give something. On the flip side, I have occasionally provided 25 per cent tips when the service warranted it. This is as it should be.

I'd love to hear your opinions on this, where you stand, how you approach tipping. And, while I did my research before writing this and based it on my own experience, if I'm missing a big piece of the information pie or some important context, please enlighten me.

Beyonce's Blinged-Out Birthing Experience Annoys "Normal" Moms

2012-01-12T08:47:00.000-05:00

The chosen one has arrived...and she's creating quite a stir

People are often surprised when I tell them that the definition of etiquette is "to increase the comfort level of those around you". They always assume it is much more complicated than this but it makes sense if you think about it. When people are practicing poor etiquette, either on purpose or inadvertently, they have temporarily forgotten about the people around them.

Inconveniencing others, putting them out, making their life uncomfortable, increasing their frustration - this is the natural result of going through life without thinking about the impact that your actions have on those around you.

Even when we're experiencing the biggest day of our life, whether it's our senior prom, wedding day or the birth of our first child, we still need to remember that we're not alone in the world. Through choice or circumstance, many others are sharing our orbit.

So, I was sad (but not surprised) to hear of the shenanigans that took place at Brooklyn's Lennox Hill Hospital in the wake of the blessed event that was the birth of Beyonce's first child, Ivy Blue Carter. There are conflicting reports but the gist of it seems to be that, in an effort to protect their privacy, Beyonce and her husband, Jay-Z (real name Shaun Carter) paid the hospital to construct or retrofit two luxury birthing suites so they were more reflective of a high-end spa and not a healthcare environment. Okay, I can see this I guess. Huge celebrities are not accustomed to rolling like the rest of us (especially here in Ontario where money can't buy a better birthing experience) and they wouldn't want to taint Ivy Blue's view of the world by having her arrive in a run-of-the-mill hospital room.

However, in an effort to protect their privacy (and perhaps to treat the event with the gravitas they felt it deserved), the couple also had a flotilla of secret-service-type security, body guards, massage therapists and other "wellness" specialists who basically took over the whole floor. In the words of a new mother who had the misfortune to give birth at the same time, "no other pregnancy mattered" and apparently, things became so difficult that one couple of premature twins were prevented from seeing their babies and extended family members of other newborns were told that the floor was "on lock-down" when they arrived. Any new parent will tell you that the process of giving birth is emotional enough without having to deal with another delivery on the floor that is deemed much, much more important than your own.

While I appreciate that the rich and famous may have a greater need to protect their privacy than the average citizen, let's not forget that Beyonce chose to announce her pregnancy at a very public event (the VMAs), drawing attention to herself and effectively eclipsing all other news from the event. But, if your desire (fact or fiction) for privacy is so strong and you have unlimited financial resources, wouldn't it be better just to have the baby at home? I'm sure that they could have arranged for all of the necessary medical personnel and equipment to ensure a safe and smooth delivery.

A spokesperson for the hospital claims that the hospital tried to minimize the disruption to their other parents and denied that there were any problems but the stories of mistreatment continue to come out.

It doesn't matter who you are. When you make decisions, you need to take into account how they will affect others.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned shame?

2012-01-06T09:50:00.000-05:00

I'm so embarrassed...

About fifteen years ago I had a job that was very important in terms of my career development. I wasn't 100 per cent qualified according to the job description but my boss saw some hidden potential in me and took a chance on my future success. He turned out to be a great leader and I have a tremendous amount of respect for this person and for his commitment to the role, which he still holds today. I desperately wanted to impress him and to prove that hiring me was the right decision. But I wasn't perfect, and like everyone else, I screwed up from time to time. When this happened, and especially if it was due to negligence, laziness or carelessness on my part, I was mortified, apologized for my role in the mix-up and asked what I could do to fix things. Later, in the privacy of my own home, I would watch TV in bed, eat most of a medium pizza, down a bottle of wine and go to sleep feeling miserable. This was how I coped with the shame of letting down not only my boss but also myself. The next day I would clean myself up, dust myself off and start all over again, vowing never again to make the same mistake and keeping a somewhat low profile until I had "proven" myself again. In this case, shame was a case of short-term pain, long-term gain. It was a powerful motivator to be more aware, try harder and do better.

This kind of shame is not something I consciously set out to experience. Thanks to a combination of innate personality and strict upbringing, I'm somewhat hardwired to feel shame when I screw up and even now, when I forget to bring the dessert to a family potluck or my kids tell their dentist that they don't floss regularly, I feel the heat of shame and embarrassment rise from my neck to my forehead.

Imagine my surprise then in my first management role when I learned that some people are not ashamed when they screw up and worse still, most are not even embarrassed. One of the toughest things for a manager is the realization that what motivated you to succeed is not necessarily the same thing that will motivate one of your employees and in fact, you need to learn what motivates each person in order to properly lead them. For some it's public recognition, for others its money or a new title and there are some people who will only work hard in exchange for something tangible like the privilege of working from home. I can accept this but up until then, I had been labouring under the misconception that the concept of shame was universal and could always be relied upon to help people improve.

Not so. But the concept of screwing up is universal and no one is immune to it. It's human and in the fast-paced environment of a PR agency, it's probably inevitable. So, the first time I called someone on the carpet for a screw-up caused by their failure to properly proofread, double-check details or use sound judgement, I expected that they would be appropriately shamed, would deal with it in whatever way worked for them (not everyone has to eat an entire pizza after all) and come back the next day with a renewed passion for excellence. But the person just smiled, shrugged her shoulders and said, "These things happen". I was so ill-equipped for this response that I reacted with stunned silence followed by yelling, which was not my intention at all. While some of the people I've worked with have shared my proclivity for actually being embarrassed by their gaffes, it seems that nowadays, most don't, or if they do, they don't show it in any discernible way.

Shame has fallen out of fashion in the past few decades. A major tool in the disciplinary arsenal of my parents' generation, it has been cast aside for more modern, humane methods like talking it out, boosting self-esteem and putting the blame elsewhere. There was some method to this madness. A couple of decades of psychoanalysis revealed that carrying around shameful reminders of childhood transgressions was having a serious impact on many adults' ability to live a fulfilling, guilt-free life. John Bradshaw, author of the New York Times bestselling book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, explains that there are two kinds of shame - healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame is what helps us get along with other people, prevents us from going through life as a total narcissist and, used properly, can be a force for positive growth. We need a little of this in our lives.

Toxic shame, on the other hand is often guilt-based and makes us feel bad about how we look or feel, where we were born, how we were raised, our religion, or our sexuality. When the baby boomers ushered in the self-esteem movement, they were right to try to rid society of toxic shame. Whether it's imposed by others or self-imposed, it has no useful function and indeed, paralyzes many sufferers well into adulthood. The problem is, in attempting to rid ourselves of the pain of toxic shame, we threw the baby out with the bathwater and ditched healthy shame at the same time. The pendulum has swung too far and we're now living in an age of self-revelation where doing anything in public is acceptable. Rather than take accountability for their actions, criminals blame their childhood, their stress level, the economy, Wall Street. Fame-hungry reality stars compete in lewd and degrading competitions desperate to extend their 15 minutes of infamy. Teenagers videotape themselves or others behaving badly and then share it on Facebook for all to see.

I think it's time to embrace a return to healthy shame for the good of society. Just imagine, in a world where people are shamed for their embarrassing behaviour, there would be no Keeping Up With the Kardashians, no Wall Street banking tycoons still holding jobs, no people having loud inane cell phone conversations in public and no politicians emailing photos of their genitalia to interns. This is something I can get behind.

Occupy Can Learn from the Volunteers Who Cleaned Up Their Mess

2012-01-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

Photo: BlogTO

I have the same reservations with organized protest movements that I have with organized religion. While each has a noble agenda and many good people trying to do good things, they are too often plagued by hypocrisy and infiltrated by rogues who do more harm than good.. When I say this to followers, their response is that this shouldn't be a deterrent to joining. So what if some Christian leaders have complete disregard for the teachings of Jesus? So what if the supposedly anti-capitalist Occupy protesters are drinking Starbucks and wearing Timberlands? "You have to take the good with the bad," they claim. "If we only support movements comprising honest, decent people with integrity, nothing will ever get done."

I suppose there is some validity in that. The civil rights movement and the Arab Spring probably included some of those annoying professional protesters who were just there for the action and didn't help to advance the agendas but the movements as a whole still had tremendous impact and affected real change. But, even when I strongly believe in a cause, I just don't feel comfortable standing side-by-side with people who I know are not really committed and what's more, are actually making life worse for those they claim to support. Instead of spending my Saturday hanging out in a soggy downtown park, I'd rather be at home teaching my kids the values of equality. It seems like it has more of an impact to impart these lessons to a generation of future leaders. Maybe the 1 % never heard that from their parents and that's how they ended up destroying the pensions of millions of people while they laughed all the way to the bank.

While I agreed in principle with many of the Occupy movement's positions, I had to do my own exhaustive research to find out what they were and felt it did a poor job of articulating them or rallying support, especially here in Toronto. It also irritated me that some of them seemed to be operating on the principle that anyone who didn't join them was automatically against them. This is not the case. In fact, most people I spoke to were sympathetic to their cause or at least understood the basis of it. But for many reasons, none of which they should be forced to justify, they didn't go downtown and participate.

Rather than shaming the denizens of Bay Street who were safely ensconced a few blocks west, the Occupy Toronto movement took over St. James park and mostly annoyed citizens who live and work near the area, playing bongos at all hours of the night and day and making it hard, if not impossible for nearby families to enjoy the park. As the protesters seemed to have a lot of free time, many Torontonians wondered if their free time wouldn't have been better spent volunteering in a soup kitchen or helping the homeless. When they were finally evicted after 40 days, they left worn tents, clothing, books, signs and bikes mired in 9,000 square metres of mud. What was once a park was now a quagmire. The city pegged the cost to clean up and re-sod the park and fix the gazebo at $150,000. To offset the cost to taxpayers (most of whom are among the 99 % the protesters were supposedly helping), the mayor asked for donations of time and cash to help.

Enter Canadian landscape professionals. In response to the mayor's request, an army of volunteer landscapers converged upon the park to ensure that local families will have grass to enjoy in the spring. Led by Kyle Tobin, founder at LawnSavers Plant Health Care Inc. they acted quickly to harvest 10,000 rolls of sod, truck it to the park on 12 flatbed trucks and work with volunteers to lay 250 cubic yards of soil as a foundation for the sod. Tobin donated the sod (about $30,000 worth), EarthCo donated $10,000 worth of soil and 200 volunteers donated their time to lay it properly.

So hundreds of Occupy protesters messed up the park in the name of equality and hundreds of volunteers fixed it in the name of just doing what needed to be done. I'm not suggesting that the protesters intended to destroy the grass but it is the natural consequence of camping out anywhere 24-7 and one of the reasons I would not feel comfortable participating in such a thing. The clean-up volunteers, many of whom probably don't live in the surrounding neighbourhood, were motivated by nothing other than the desire to see more green space and for families to have a park to go to when the snow disappears. And you can bet that the vast majority of the volunteers, if not all, are members of the 99 %, not the 1 %. The semantics are not important to them. They saw a need and they responded without rhetoric, grandstanding or fanfare. The Occupy protesters could learn a thing or two about actually helping people from them.

Is it poor etiquette to sell your unwanted gifts on e-Bay?

2012-01-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

"I Love It. It's Just What I Wanted..."

Opening gifts in front of the person who gave them to us, is always a bit nerve-wracking. As you work away at the wrapping, the gift-giver's anticipation is palpable. You can just feel their desire for you to love it, their wish that this year, they've hit a home run. As you get closer to the big reveal, you steel yourself for a case of lunchbox letdown. If you already have an "appropriate" gift in mind, say an engagement ring, the stakes are even higher and your disappointment will be even greater if what's in the box is not what you expected. Even if you have no preconceived notions of what you would like, there's still a chance that the present will be hideous, unusable, or inappropriate (in your opinion at least). To save face and avoid hurt feelings, most of us have perfected our "I love it" gift face over time. Even if what we're feeling inside is more like, "I won't be caught dead in this thing" we slap on a smile, tell the person it's perfect and give them an appreciative hug. As a gift-giver, I have been on the receiving end of many of these forced smiles and I can tell you, I always know they're faking and I'm always hurt.

Today, regifting is common and, as long as proper etiquette is followed (e.g. don't give it back to the person who gave it to you), it is considered acceptable social behaviour. Although I've indulged in regifting impersonal items like chocolates and wine, I've never been able to do it when it involves a gift that someone put an effort into choosing because I know how I feel when the tables are turned. If someone tells me they'd like to exchange a gift I bought them, I smile, hand over the receipt and mumble something about wanting them to be satisfied but inside, I'm usually quite hurt, especially if I spent a lot of time picking a gift I thought they would love. It's possible that the people who have given me gifts I don't like do not feel the same way. Maybe they see gift-giving as a crap-shoot and are not offended if someone doesn't like their gift. Maybe they prefer to have the person exchange it for something they would like over stuffing it into the back of a closet. But, I can only approach it from my point of view and I always take it personally. Besides, when gifts come from certain people (e.g. my husband), I instantly love it even if it's something I would never choose for myself. I love it because he picked it and wearing it is symbolic of our relationship.

So I was surprised and saddened to read over the holidays that, while all other retail outlets experience a post-holiday sales slump, e-Bay and kijiji, are swamped with people intent on converting their unwanted Christmas gifts into cash. Both sites apparently received a steady stream of new posting of electronic and apparel items in the days after December 25th with some people unloading unwanted gifts mere hours after receiving them. As explained in the previous paragraph, I am somewhat sentimental about gift-giving and that colours my view but to me, there is a certain callousness to this practice that just didn't feel right. It turns the tradition of gift-giving into a transaction where people believe they deserve to get whatever they want or at the very least, the post-retail cash value of what they received. One young woman quoted in the article said that she had "earned" $400 last year by converting Christmas gifts into cash and to make unloading unwanted presents easier, e-Bay has created a mobile app that allows disappointed gift recipients to take a picture of something immediately after opening it so they can create an instant listing.

Some would say taking to the Internet to dispose of unwanted goods is a positive development. Maybe in this over-cluttered age of hyper-consumerism, there's no good reason for us to store things we neither need nor want. If we're going to unload a present anyway, perhaps it's more sensitive to the gift-giver to do it anonymously behind the veil of our e-Bay avatars rather than fess up that we hate it. I guess, if I really think about it, it's the haste that disturbs me and I'm not alone. One of my favourite authors, Alexander McCall Smith, suggests we wait at least a month and then, if we still don't want it, give it away or sell it with the proceeds going to charity. Like me, he's uncomfortable with the notion of selling it purely for profit.

Personally, I don't think we can trust our immediate reactions when it comes to gifts. We might feel that it's ghastly or wildly inappropriate but maybe we should let it marinate for a while. I have a few cherished items on my mantle, in my closet and in my jewellery box that were gifts from people who knew me better than I knew myself at the time. I was disappointed when I opened them but I grew to love them and over the years, they have become a connection between me and the gift-givers, some of whom are now deceased. I would never get to experience that if I had immediately tried to get rid of it.

What do you think about selling unwanted holiday gifts? Smart solution or etiquette faux pas?

Is it Possible to Give Without Judgement?

2011-12-19T14:31:00.001-05:00

There was a beautiful news story recently about an anonymous donor who went to several K-Mart stores in the U.S. and quietly paid off the layaway accounts of families with young children. For those of you too young to remember, layaway plans allow customers to choose something they want, have it put aside, and pay for it in weekly installments until it's paid in full. Although they're available year-round, they're most popular at Christmas with parents who want to ensure they can give their kids the toys they ask for, without needing to save up and shop at the last minute. I recall my parents using layaway plans when I was a kid and I think I even used one to buy a bicycle when I was a teenager. However, I hadn't heard the term for a while and had just assumed they no longer existed till I read this story.

I enjoyed this story for many reasons. I loved that the donor found a simple way to have a direct, positive, impact on the lives of the families she helped. I appreciated that she did it anonymously, without any need for public glory. I loved the descriptions of the beneficiaries, one of whom (a man with three small children in tow) burst into tears when told his account was paid off.

The story moved me so much that I took to the comments board of The Toronto Star to share my thoughts. While most comments were positive, I was surprised to find that some posters had reacted negatively to the story. A few accused K-Mart of staging a "PR stunt" while others expressed sadness and even rage that families who are in financial trouble would spend money they don't have on junk they don't need. Some felt that the dollar amount attached to the layaway accounts was much more than they would spend on their own kids. And then there was a general railing against the hyper-consumerism of the modern Christmas season. As someone who has spent two decades in PR, I am fairly confident that, while K-Mart may have shared the news to boost its profile, it's unlikely they fabricated the whole story out of the ether. I can also say that in all my years working at and running PR agencies, I have never staged a "PR stunt", but that's another story.

That aside, the other negative sentiments got me wondering if it is possible to give to others without considering why they are in their current predicament and what role, if any, they played in it. I can say with all honesty that this is something I have struggled with for years. I try to be philanthropic in whatever way I can, but, despite my best efforts to be non-judgemental, I tend to draw a line between people who are responsible for their own issues and people who had the problems thrust upon them. This translates into heartfelt compassion for victims of a tsunami and indifference for able-bodied, able-minded people on social assistance. I'm not particularly proud of this, I'm just being honest. Through extended family, I know someone who benefits from one of the many toy drives that take place in the city each Christmas. Having been a recipient for many years, she now expects her annual delivery of toys for her children and therefore, makes no plans to improve her situation. Friends who have volunteered to deliver toys for needy families, have also told me that they were shocked and hurt by the lack of gratitude and the sense of entitlement they encountered at some of the homes they visited. It begs the question, when we give, is any kind of recognition required? A "thank you" is nice but is it mandatory? And should we feel ripped off if we don't get it?

Getting back to the K-Mart article, I think we can all agree that children are not responsible for the financial situation of their parents, and shouldn't be punished for it. The way I see it, more-affluent parents have the luxury of keeping Christmas presents to a minimum because it's only one of many gifts they will give their kids throughout the year. Their children will have swimming lessons and ballet and summer camps, not to mention, parents who have the time and resources to encourage them with their homework and their goals. Thanks to the work of donors like the woman in the story, many underprivileged kids can wake up to presents under the tree on Christmas Day, even if the rest of the year is bleak. So, I for one, applaud this anonymous donor and everyone like her who is able to "give without judgement".

It's not the problem, it's how you deal with it that counts

2011-12-16T07:30:00.001-05:00

Many years ago, on one of my first ever business trips, I boarded a non-stop Air Canada flight to Los Angeles. About 90 minutes later, the pilot announced that we would be making an unscheduled landing in Cincinnati and would need to get a connecting flight to LA from there. As we were herded out of the plane, smiling flight attendants assured us that Air Canada reps were waiting in the airport to usher us to our new planes. Some of the more seasoned travelers rolled their eyes but as I was still unjaded, I marched down the jetway and was completely surprised when in fact, there were no Air Canada reps waiting for us. We wandered around till we found the Air Canada service counter only to find that the befuddled staff had no idea who we were or why we were expecting to be put on planes to LA free of charge. This was just the first of many air travel disruptions that have left me feeling in the dark, out of the loop and completely alone. The most recent was a four-hour delay on the tarmac in Paris with half a cup of water and only the briefest, most vague information on what was going on. But this is not a post about air travel, and it's not even a post about Air Canada. I have been treated like garbage, ignored, lied to and left alone by many large airlines.

This is about a customer service experience I had with train travel. I go to Montreal on business a few times a year and always travel by train. With VIA Rail's first class service, I don't have to arrive at the station until 15 minutes before my train leaves, the staff are pleasant and helpful, there are no security check lines and, I usually have a glass of wine in my hand before the train clears the Greater Toronto Area. With free Wi-Fi and lots of room to spread out and work, it makes for a relaxing and productive five hours and even though it's a five hour journey, I always arrive refreshed.

I've done this many times and have never had a problem but my luck ran out last week when my east-bound train ran aground west of Kingston. Less than ten minutes later, the driver came on the loudspeaker to tell us that there was a problem with the engine and the engineer had gone to try to fix it. I was slightly alarmed but figured it would be resolved soon and went back to my paperwork. As the engineer tinkered away, the driver communicated with us at least every ten minutes for a half hour until he finally announced, apologizing profusely, that they were unable to restart the engine. At that point, he said he was communicating with central control about how to get us safely to Montreal and promised he'd be back with details later. True to his word, he came back on the loudspeaker five minutes later to tell us that we would be transferred onto another eastbound train that was about 20 minutes behind us but, since it was ending its run in Brockville, we would have to continue on to Montreal by bus. This prompted moans and groans and mumbled profanity from the passengers and at least one panic attack by a woman who was horrified at thought of a prolonged bus ride. Shortly after, the staff came around to chat with us in person, answer questions, and provide details on when we would actually arrive in Montreal.

20 minutes later, we were on board a second train hurtling towards Brockville. For logistical reasons, we were downgraded to economy class but staff from the first train came with us and brought drinks and snacks to hand out to everyone. When we pulled into Brockville, the buses were already waiting and warmed up and while they were a far cry from the first class cabin of the train, they were comfortable, if cramped. The VIA staff who had been with us since Toronto were also forced to ride on the bus with us and again, they brought bottles of water, snacks, soft drinks and pillows. They continued to answer our questions and before we got off, they provided complete details about how we could be refunded for our lost time and convenience. We finally arrived at the Montreal train station at 1 a.m., three and a half hours later than our scheduled arrival time of 9:40 p.m.

So, is it a problem when a transportation company can't fulfill its promise? Yes! Was it a huge inconvenience that the first train broke down? Absolutely! I had planned to do five hours of work on my train trip and I only got in 90 minutes. I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m. and was exhausted and disoriented the next day. But, that said, overall I was impressed with how VIA handled the situation and how different it was from similar experiences with airline travel. From the start, the staff were honest about the problem and the possible consequences. They communicated regularly throughout the ordeal and handled angry customers in a way that diffused potential outbursts. All of the staff members we encountered apologized several times for our troubles and they provided complete details on how we would be reimbursed within hours of the service breakdown. And while they were on the bus with us for purely logistical reasons (it was their only way of getting home), somehow it softened the situation and made it difficult to continue to complain.

It's been said many times but people are generally willing to forgive any screw-up as long as you take responsibility, apologize appropriately and work to make amends. In cases like this, the story becomes more about how a crisis is handled, rather than how the actual crisis happened. I have always been a fan of VIA but despite being inconvenienced, I actually have more respect for the company now than I had before. After all, it's easy for people to be kind and happy when things are going well. It's how people behave during a crisis that reveals their true character.

The Five Most Annoying Customer Service Practices

2011-12-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

Last week I was shopping at my local branch of a large Canadian chain store when I heard a commotion coming from the customer service desk. I looked over just in time to see an employee yelling "why are you giving me a hard time" to a customer who was trying to return something. Yikes! In a perfect world, customer service transactions would be settled without voices being raised but whatever happened to "the customer is always right"?

I am always dismayed when organizations invest a lot in research and development, manufacture great products, conduct powerful marketing campaigns and then fall down drastically when it comes to customer service. Some companies have horrible reputations based solely on their approach to customer service when their products are actually great. Some even have websites devoted to how awful they are and are still not spurred to improve the situation.

As someone who believes that companies can benefit from feedback, I am often on the line with customer service representatives. So, based on my experience, here is my list of the five most annoying customer service practices that have to stop now:

1. Hidden contact info - Customers should not have to hunt through web pages, call directory assistance or do a Google search to find your customer service number. What are you afraid of? Put a Customer Service tab on your home page and list the various ways that make it easy for people to get in touch with you. It should take no more than one click for a customer to find your 1-800 number.

2. Longer than normal wait times - How many times have you heard that "due to a higher-than-normal volume of calls, the customer service department is temporarily experiencing increased wait times"? If the call volume is genuinely higher than normal, then this message is useful. However, most of the organizations which use this recording have it playing all the time, which suggests that in fact, call volume and wait times are always high. To use a Canadian example, every single time I've called Rogers customer service in the past five years, I have heard this message. Rather misleading don't you think?

3. Advertising to unhappy customers - People don't generally call customer service when everything is going great. Knowing this, why do companies think it's a good time to advertise to them? If you're upset because your brand new dishwasher has gone on the fritz, do you really want to hear a recorded loop about the wonderful deals on washing machines? Or worse still, a suggestion that, instead of staying on the line and talking to a human, you should hang up and go to the website. If the website offered any assistance, you would have already resolved your issue there.

4. Requesting the same information over and over again - Often, when calling customer service lines, you are asked to provide information in order to get past the first stage of the voice prompt system. You might be asked to give your phone number, membership number or credit card number. When you finally have an opportunity to talk to a human, the first thing they do is ask for the same information. If they're unable to help and need to transfer you to another department, the next person asks you for the same information. It's a small thing but it just adds fuel to an already volatile situation.

5. Lack of empathy - I know some people disagree with me on this but I don't think customer service representatives have a right to get upset or annoyed when customers are angry. I used to work on a 1-800 support line for the provincial government and people often phoned in a state of rage. I didn't take it personally. I just let them vent for a while and then I tried to help them. Even if I couldn't give them what they wanted, they were usually grateful for the opportunity to get it off their chest. People call the customer service lines because your organization has let them down in some way. Getting uppity with them is only going to make things worse. Yes, it's tough to deal with angry people all day but that is the role and, if you can put aside your own indignance, there's an opportunity to make someone's day.

Why Do Not Call Does Not Work

2011-11-30T10:33:00.001-05:00

From a business etiquette point of view, I would categorize SPAM as any communication that is unsolicited, unwanted and impersonal. And it's not limited to e-mail. Telemarketing calls are a particularly invasive form of SPAM, which are, by all accounts, universally hated.

When I heard that the federal government was instituting a National Do Not Call Registry (NDNC) I was hopeful because our government was taking steps to protect the privacy of its citizens but concerned that it would end up being a toothless tiger due to the public sector's inability to take a hard line on things and the fact that it turned management of the list over to a Telecom giant with a spotty customer service record.

So, it was with mixed emotions that, I added our household to the list 16 months ago. Could it possibly be that after the requisite 30-day clearance period, we could enjoy relaxing evenings free of interruptions from charities, newspapers and politicians? Alas, no! For reasons not readily apparent, these groups are exempt from the NDNC registry. Since they represented at least 75 per cent of the telemarketing calls we received before registering, things were not looking good. I called the Canadian Radio & Television Commission to ask why they had chosen to allow some of the most prodigious telemarketers to continue their shenanigans but a recorded message informed me that all of their lines were busy and to leave a message. I gave up.

But it's important to stay positive right? At least I'd finally be free of those endless calls from my bank and credit card providers with their "amazing, limited-time offers" to buy cheap life insurance or that pesky lawn aeration company I hired a year ago and didn't like. Woops, wrong again! Frustratingly, organizations that I have done business with at any point in the past 18 months are also exempt from the list. That meant I would continue to hear from any number of companies that I have a relationship with because, as a person participating in society, I need to have credit cards, put money in a bank, stay in hotels, etc.

That second list of exemptions were responsible for another 20 per cent of our pre-NDNC registration calls, bringing the quantity of unwelcome calls I would continue to receive to around 95 per cent of the calls I was already receiving. It turns out the only calls that would truly disappear, were those from a random group of moving companies, landscapers and telephone fraudsters. While those have decreased since we registered, we continue to receive a nightly call from an organization calling "on behalf of Microsoft" informing us that our computer is at risk and we need to immediately download $400 worth of software to protect our network from impending doom. A quick Google search, revealed unsurprisingly, that this is a huge fraud and suprisingly that it has actually worked on many Canadians.

With this knowledge, I called the NDNC office to file a complaint. Foiled again! The nice person who answered the phone asked for the name and phone number of the telemarketer. The funny thing about people operating telephone fraud scams is that they usually don't share this info. I gave him the limited details I had and he told me that he would submit the complaint on my behalf but could not guarantee anything since it was likely outside of their jurisdiction. He suggested I call Phonebusters, the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre. I called six times over the course of one day and got a busy signal every time. Not, an opportunity to be placed on hold while waiting for a representative but an actual, old-fashioned busy signal. Again, I gave up.

While fraud schemes seem to operate outside legal boundaries, I don't see why the Do Not Call registry can't provide Canadians with the option to eliminate all unwanted calls. Since I haven't been able to get an answer from the CRTC, can anyone shed light on why so many organizations are exempt from the process?

Seven Secrets of Holiday Shopping Etiquette

2011-11-29T08:30:00.001-05:00

Another Black Friday has come and gone in the U.S. and, as usual, the annual festive shopping spree was marred by unfortunate incidents. At a Los Angeles Wal-Mart, an overzealous woman pepper-sprayed twenty other customers to "protect her purchases" from prying hands. In Little Rock, a screaming mob tussled over a $2 waffle maker and across the country, gun-toting thugs took advantage of the situation to hold up and threaten shoppers in parking lots.

I'm not going to comment on the economic realities and misplaced priorities that drive humans to hurt each other so they can have cheap, indented pancakes. But the disgraceful behaviour of these bargain-happy shoppers got me thinking about our own festive shopping season. Thankfully, we rarely have incidents of this magnitude but roasting hot malls, too few parking spots and increasing stress levels can cause even the most polite of us to forget it's the season of goodwill to all men (and women). So, while there's still time, here are my seven secrets for holiday shopping etiquette:

Accept reality - Face it. If you leave shopping until the last couple of weeks, you will not be able to avoid crowds and lineups. Accept that before you go, arrive as early as possible, leave the kids at home, bring snacks and dress comfortably to mitigate the effects of holiday shopping syndrome. Fighting against the inevitable is only going to make you cranky.

Don't expect special treatment - Keep in mind, everyone else is there for the same reason as you. Despite what you may think, you are not busier, more frantic or more stressed than anyone else. When it's time to pay for your purchases, get in line and brace yourself for a long wait. Don't butt in or ask people if you can go ahead of them because you are due back in the office or because you have children, are old, are sick, etc.

Focus on the task at hand - Long lineups can be boring but please resist the urge to use the time for a loud cell phone conversation. Customers who are already feeling frazzled don't need to hear you droning on about how busy the store is (they know) to your friends and family. Plus, it usually means you will still be on the phone when it's your turn to pay. This is not only disrespectful to the cashier, but it usually results in a longer wait for the people behind you as you try to load your purchases on the counter and fish out your wallet with one hand.

Keep it simple - I once fumed in a line-up as the person in front of me decided that December 23 was a good day to return and exchange a boatload of merchandise, all of which had been purchased at different times and on different credit cards. Out of respect for your fellow shoppers, keep it simple, buy your stuff and move on. Leave the complicated transactions for January and don't agree to sign up for the store credit card. Be pleasant and offer seasonal good wishes but keep the unnecessary chit chat for a less frantic time.

Don't fuel parking lot rage - In the days leading up to Christmas, there are officially more drivers than parking spots so good parking manners are essential. If you see a spot about to open up, pull off to the side of the aisle and turn on your indicator. Try not to block the entire aisle. If you see that someone has done this, don't swoop in and steal the spot out from under them. Bad manners and bad karma. Don't tailgate people as they come out of stores, creepily following them to their parking spots. If you are leaving a parking spot, make it snappy. There's nothing worse than a person who takes ten minutes to arrange their shopping bags in the trunk while you're waiting to get into their spot. And, unless you want expletive-laden messages left on your vehicle, don't ever take up more than one spot.

Vent your anger where it belongs - Did you arrive at Toys R Us only to discover that location doesn't carry the thingamabob that was advertised in the flyer? Is the 50 per cent off price not showing up after the item was scanned? That's horrible luck but don't take it out on the store staff. They are not usually responsible for supply chain management or cash register coding and can offer nothing more than sympathy. If you feel it's worth pursuing, ask to speak to the store manager or call the head office once you get home. Or, vote with your feet and shop somewhere else.

Smile - Remember that the reason you're there is to buy gifts for people that you love and celebrate friends and family. Regardless of your opinion on the 'consumerization' of the holidays, if you've chosen to participate, do it with a smile. Say please and thank you and everything will be better. This also applies to cashiers and other retail staff. Yes, it's a busy time and the customers are frazzled but it's your job to make their lives easier so be pleasant about it.

Does Someone You Know Need a Facebook Intervention?

2011-11-22T12:53:00.001-05:00

This commercial is part of a new campaign for Visit Las Vegas which I just love. It's one of a series of videos in which people are shunned by their friends for excessive tweeting and Facebook posting of their activities while in Las Vegas. The idea, of course, is that broadcasting updates from Sin City goes against the code of "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas".

One of the spots includes an intervention where a group of friends encourage a social media addict to own up to his problems. They talk about how his actions have affected their own lives and promise that they'll help him get through the recovery process. The campaign got me thinking about the whole concept of oversharing on social media sites and how much that phrase is open to interpretation.

As someone who works fiercely to protect my privacy, oversharing for me encompasses a much wider net than it would for most people. I understand the importance of social media in our society and use it often for business but you will never see photos of my kids on the Internet or tales of how I partied with my girlfriends till 2 a.m. (assuming I would have the energy to do such a thing). When I tell people this, their reaction ranges from shock at my lack of social media savvy to begrudging agreement that it's a topic worth discussing to proclaiming that we luddites must band together to preserve the nostalgia of the good old days. Everyone has their own privacy threshold and that's okay. The brave new world enables us all to write our own rules, in theory anyway. One person's extremely inappropriate content is de rigueur for someone else.

My assumptions about oversharing were challenged recently when I had the opportunity to hear Jeff Jarvis speak at Third Tuesday Toronto. A veteran journalist, Jarvis is an associate professor at City College New York and an author who is frequently asked to comment on the role of social media. Jeff's latest book, Public Parts: How Sharing in the Digital Age Improves the Way We Work and Live, makes a case of increased "publicness" in our lives. An Internet optimist, Jarvis feels that if we become too obsessed with online privacy and protection of information, we will miss out on all the valuable opportunities offered by the social web. Fortune magazine's review of Public Parts says his book is "not so much a rallying cry for tweeting your breakfast choices and blogging your company financials as it is a field guide for how to navigate the Internet with optimism rather than fear"

His talk was provocative - he argues his point elegantly and deals with detractors swiftly. But, as I am an Internet pragmaticist rather than an Internet optimist, I found myself feeling squeamish at times, even when those around me were nodding and smiling in agreement. One of Jeff's boldest statements was, "if you think people are oversharing, maybe you're overlistening". I'm not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, it's quite simple - if you don't like what you see and don't embrace the new sharing, then turn off and tune out. On the other hand, can any of us with a significant number of pre-retirement years left really afford to tune out? Probably not. If we want to stay abreast of trends, feel current, promote our products and services and build our "personal brand", we have to "participate in the conversation" as they say. That opens us up to all manner of oversharing - friends who post daily photos of the fun they're having, colleagues who tweet their every movement, family members who broadcast compromising photos of us without our permission. And if you think breaking up with someone is hard, try telling a loved one that you think it would be better if they posted less updates on Facebook.

That said, I have a great capacity for self-preservation, so I will continue to explore the possibilities of the Internet, one of which is obviously the opportunity to share my musings on this blog. I have Public Parts on my bedside table and as soon as I finish No Bullshit Social Media, I'll get into it. I don't want to be left out of the loop after all.

How to Stay Polite in 140 Characters or Less

2011-11-15T05:18:00.001-05:00

A recent celebrity case of TWI (tweeting while idiotic) got me thinking that it's time to dust off my Twitter etiquette tips. Ashton Kutcher, a "prolific" user of social media with 8 million Twitter followers experienced an epic fail when he tweeted his anger at the firing of Penn State University coach Joe Paterno. Problem is, Ashton dashed off his tweet without having any of the background information (the coach was fired for his role in a child sexual abuse scandal at the university). Compounding his screw-up is the fact that Ashton and his wife run a charity with a mission of ending sexual slavery among children. Ouch!

Luckily, most of us ordinary folks are smarter, more responsible and less subject to public scrutiny than Mr. Kutcher and his ilk. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't practice good Twitter etiquette. So here are my guidelines to help you prevent your own mini Twitter fails:

1. Post only when you have something to say - and by that I mean something meaningful. Whether it's your take on a major news story or a retweet (RT) of someone else's insights, unless it adds to the conversation, leave it out. I used to follow someone who regularly tweeted "hi world, I'm up" in the morning and "going to bed now" at night. I try to tweet every day but there are days when I really don't have anything to add and so I stay silent until I do.

2. Don't over-promote yourself - Twitter can be a great and subtle way to announce that you finally got your book published, share your latest blog post or express your excitement about your promotion. But constantly selling yourself and your services is a huge turn-off guaranteed to get you unfollowed. Chris Brogan suggests you follow a 12:1 ratio - for every 12 promotions of someone else, you can promote yourself once.

3. Please stop the auto-DMs - For me, nothing is more annoying than following someone (usually someone who followed me first) and immediately receiving a direct message telling me that if I like them on Twitter, I'll love them on Facebook or that they can get me 100,000 followers in a week. Every social media expert on the planet advises against these things and yet people keep using them. They are the telemarketers of the social media world.

4. Value quality over quantity - I've been on Twitter for about two-and-a-half years and in that time, I have accumulated about 1100 followers and I'm following the same amount. This might seem paltry in comparison to many who have been in the game for the same amount of time or a shorter time but it's fine with me. Even though I have "Toronto" embedded in my Twitter handle (@TorontoLouise), it's not unusual for me to be followed by real estate agents in Phoenix or event listings in Dublin. There's no point for us to be connected. Gathering followers should be a positive side effect of your Twitter activity, not an end unto itself. Besides, many of the people with the most followers have the least to say (e.g. Kim Kardashian)

5. Mix up your content - If you want to be interesting on Twitter, tweet a blend of content. Mix up your own observations with RTs of others' tweets, some links to interesting blog posts or news stories, the occasional picture, and just a smidge of self-promotion.

6. Be careful with scheduled tweets - Some Twitter apps like Tweetdeck allow you to schedule tweets throughout the day. If you know you'll be away from your computer all day but you've come across an interesting article at 6 a.m., you can schedule a tweet to go "live" at 10 a.m., when you know your followers are at their desks. This is an easy way to keep your voice heard even when you're not there but watch out for breaking news. A scheduled tweet about how cute your cat is will look pretty ridiculous if it comes out 30 minutes after an earthquake has struck your town.

7. Don't RT compliments - In real life, if someone tells you that you're fabulous, do you go around repeating it to everyone? Why would you do it on Twitter? It's a wonderful feeling when someone takes the time to praise you to all their Twitter followers. In my view, immediately retweeting that praise with no context is too self-serving. A simple thank you will suffice.

8. Don't make personal stuff public - Chances are you have have some friends on Twitter and occasionally, it might seem like a good idea to use the medium to make plans or discuss something private. This is okay once in a while but for the rest of your followers, it can look like they're stumbled into a whispered discussion. Use the DM feature to keep it private, or better yet, use another method of conversation like e-mail or even the telephone.

9. Create a profile - It takes just a few minutes to upload a photo and write two sentences about yourself on Twitter and doing so will increase your credibility. I never follow anyone without a profile for a couple of reasons - first, I don't know if you are a real person and I don't want to increase my vulnerability to spam by following a robot and second, if you can't even be bothered telling me a little about yourself, I assume you have nothing interesting to say. On a personal note, I think the photo should be you and not your adorable toddler or cute puppy but that's a matter of preference, not etiquette.

10. Think before you tweet - It goes without saying but if you're angry at a certain person or situation, resist the urge to take to Twitter immediately. People have been fired, sued and just plain embarrassed by letting their frustration get the better of them (see intro above). You can remove the inflammatory tweet later but by that time, others will have retweeted it and linked it to their blogs. As we all know, nothing is really ever gone from the Internet.

Those are just a few of the Twitter etiquette tips you can follow to make your experience (and those of your followers) more pleasant. And, I have to say, it's my personal list. I've heard from some tweeters I trust that some of the things I consider to be faux pas are acceptable in other communities. What's your take? What's your biggest Twitter etiquette gaffe? I'd love to hear from you.

Etiquette tips for volunteers and those who manage them

2011-11-07T19:58:00.004-05:00

I managed to live out fifteen years of my adult life without volunteering. It's not that I never did anything for free. I frequently drove family members to the airport, brought side dishes to Thanksgiving and helped friends move (albeit begrudgingly). But, due to work and later, child-rearing pressures (or so I told myself), I did not commit to any kind of formal volunteering and I liked it that way.

Three years ago, it suddenly dawned on me that I had been missing something. I signed up for my first official volunteer role, and have been making up for lost time ever since. I can't pinpoint the reason for my change of heart but I can admit that it wasn't pure altruism. A need to network for business due to a global recession, my kids starting school and my 40th birthday combined to create the right time and the right environment for volunteering.

Since then I've sat on the board of a professional organization, helped to run a major school fundraising event and offered my PR skills to charitable groups. I've realized that, while most people who volunteer do so willingly, others are dragged or tricked into it with assurances that they will "only have to spend a few hours". There is a subtle etiquette required for the process to run smoothly and to ensure that people return to help again. Here are my tips for keeping the process civil.

Tips for Volunteers

Do it willingly - Although it's hard to say "no" sometimes, there's really no point in agreeing to volunteer for something if you will regret it. Before you commit, make sure that you have the time to follow through and be clear about the tasks you are taking on. It's better to be honest now than to be resentful later.

Honour your commitment -A volunteer role is not a suggestion. It's a commitment that you have agreed to honour. While genuine emergencies might force you to bail on your promise, it's not acceptable to flake out of volunteer work just because you got busy in other parts of your life. People are counting on you and dropping out causes a lot of extra work for organizers and other volunteers.

Take it seriously - You're not getting paid but that doesn't mean it's not important - to you, to the organization and to the people who benefit from your efforts. While you will not (and should not) be held accountable for the success of the whole venture, you should give it your best and do everything you can to make a first-class contribution. Show up on time, meet deadlines and be prepared to report on your progress at status meetings.

Remember why you're there - We all expect to be thanked for our efforts. But when you volunteer, it should be because you believe in the cause and want to make a difference. In many cases, the people who are supervising you are volunteers themselves and don't have time to constantly check in on you and show their gratitude.

Be a friend - For many people, volunteering is a way to meet new people and to become part of a community. Although it's tempting to chat and gossip with the people you already know at meetings or events, make an effort to reach out to new volunteers and introduce them to others. If they feel welcome, they'll come back.

Tips for Volunteer Managers

Be professional - Have proper role descriptions, including expected time commitment for each volunteer role you have available. The more clarity volunteers have at the beginning, the better the experience for everyone. Make sure all volunteers understand the expectations and deadlines involved in their project, give them the tools they need for success and keep them up to date on any changes in the plan.

Listen - When volunteers are up-front about what they can and cannot do, listen to them. Don't agree with them in the hopes that they will change their mind. If a volunteer comes up with a great idea, don't automatically assign it to them to execute. That just makes people reluctant to ever suggest ideas. And if past, current, or potential volunteers say "no" to a request for help, don't pester them. They'll be more likely to come back when they have more time if the relationship is pleasant.

Say thank you - If coordinating volunteers is part of your paid job, it's your role to acknowledge and thank volunteers personally and publicly. On the other hand, if you are also a volunteer in the project, remember to say "thank you" whenever possible and listen to concerns, but you shouldn't be judged if you're not "grateful enough".

Play to their strengths - Everyone has different skills and the project will be more successful if volunteers aren't forced into roles outside of their comfort zones. Some people are born salespersons and others are great at organizing lists. One might relish the idea of serving as the official spokesperson while another breaks into a sweat at the thought of public speaking. Let them do what they're good at and they'll shine.

Learn how to chair a meeting - Grievances abound in volunteer work and status meetings can quickly turn into a bitch-fest if you don't stay focused. Give everyone a set amount of floor time to share updates and table concerns and then move on to the next person. Schedule off-line discussions to deal with major issues.

Five Ways Reality Shows Are Eroding Civility

2011-10-19T10:52:00.001-04:00

I am not a fan of reality shows. I watched the first season of Survivor and enjoyed it but the novelty wore off quickly and I've missed the ensuing episodes. I've never watched American Idol or Dancing With the Stars and after accidentally tuning in to Jersey Shore one night, I've avoided that channel ever since. In the early 2000s, I assumed reality programming was an overhyped fad and, as soon as everyone came to their senses, it would pass and we would be back to professionally scripted television. But as we all know, that didn't happen and year after year, just when I thought the bottom of the barrel had been scraped dry, it turns out there was more detritus clinging to the wood waiting to be peeled off and served up to millions of eager viewers.

Friends who like some reality shows are quick to chastise me for painting them all with the same brush. They claim there is a distinction between the ones that are based on talent (So You Think You Can Dance Canada) and those which exist just to follow around a bunch of boring people (The Real Housewives franchise) as they go about their highly-staged lives. I can concede that there is a difference, marginal as it may be, but from an etiquette point of view, I'm going to speak of the genre as a whole and its negative impact on a society which is already suffering from a downturn in civility.

Devaluing Accomplishment - Last week,former Real Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel, was third on Forbes list of the highest paid female entertainers. Think of all the amazing actresses you see on TV, or talented struggling actresses you know, and then think about the fact that someone whose claim to fame is being loud, obnoxious and ungrateful on screen, has "earned" more money than all of them. When the 20-something candidates on Paris Hilton's dreadful My New Best Friend, were voted off the show, many of them sobbed on camera because "their life's dream had been quashed". Um, shouldn't those tears be saved for not getting into the university of your choice or landing your dream job?

Rewards for Bad Behaviour - Reality show producers figured out early on that immature, inappropriate and shameful behaviour sells (think the duplicitous Richard Hatch on Survivor Season One). Since then, they have unleashed a steady stream of shameless contestants who lie, cheat and steal their way to the prize. Kind, decent people need not apply and if they do make it onto the shows, they are voted off the island early on because they don't get ratings. What's more, some contestants (think Omarosa), have been able to parlay their bitchy behaviour into a post-show career.

Lack of Discretion - It has always been considered poor etiquette to air one's dirty laundry in public and I believe, with the rise of social networks, it's even more important that we protect our own privacy and that of our families. It's bad enough that the people who appear on reality shows are indiscreet about their own lives, but in their unrelenting desire for fame and money, they draw innocent children into it (John and Kate Plus 8), with no thought to the long-term consequences. In some cases, the revelation of deeply private information can play a role in tragic consequences such as the recent suicide of the husband of one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Glorification of narcissism - We are in the midst of a narcissism epidemic and the proliferation of reality shows is only making it worse. Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me, and a recognized expert on this topic, claims that "the explosion of shallow celebrity culture promotes narcissism as not just acceptable but desirable. Celebrity gossip and happenings are now found on mainstream news channels. The social models we see are often advertisements for a narcissistic lifestyle". The result is that, instead of being appalled by the antics of many reality stars, people dream of being like them.

Misplaced values - Kim Kardashian, a child of Hollywood wealth and privilege, rose to fame on the heels of the well-planned leak of a sex tape. She used that as a jumping-off point for a "career" that includes a top-rated TV show, paid appearances at events and a string of endorsements. This summer, in the midst of a crippling U.S. recession, she got married before cameras, in an over-the-top wedding that was estimated to cost $20 million. While everyone has the right to the wedding of their dreams, what kind of message does this spectacle send to young girls? Considering that success has come so easy to Kardashian, imagine the message she could have sent if she had donated even 10 per cent of that money to charity?

Why You Need to Stop Being Late for Everything

2011-10-16T15:31:00.000-04:00

While browsing at a small-town thrift store last week, something shiny caught my eye. Hanging on the wall behind the cash register, was a large, cartoonish costume that looked like a burlesque dancer, complete with a garish gold bikini and tassles on the nipples. It was crudely made - white fabric haphazardly stuffed, and an apron-like hook to go over the wearer's head. Sewed to the midriff was a paper sign that read: "I was late for work today".

I asked a staff member about it and she explained that if an employee is late for work, the store owner makes them wear it all day. "Does she really enforce it," I said? When the cashier nodded, I asked if she had ever had to wear it. "Only once," she said, "It was so embarrassing that I started to set my alarm 15 minutes earlier."

As I left the store, I did a small fist pump for the employer who had managed to teach her staff the importance of showing up on time in a way that actually worked but still had an element of fun. Obviously this tactic lends itself to the atmosphere of a funky thrift shop and would probably be inappropriate in a law office or any other environment where the tardy employee would be meeting with clients. But the notion that you could shame people into being on time was intriguing.

I have worked with, and employed, people who have been habitually late for work and meetings and while I have attempted to help them understand that their behaviour is disrespectful, disruptive and will decrease their opportunities for promotion, I have not been as successful as the thrift store owner.

While some of the chronically tardy accept responsibility and are truly apologetic, most believe they are innocent victims of circumstance when in actual fact, being late is the result of many choices that are within their control. They all have excuses and they're not even good ones: My husband takes a long time in the bathroom. I got caught up watching TV. I forgot I had no clean clothes. My mother called. I was reviewing my stocks online. I like to eat breakfast slowly. I was having a great dream. It's snowing.

Obviously I understand that in our fast-paced society, we are all late sometimes. A kid's meltdown, unexpected road construction or a subway outage can derail event the most organized among us. But occasional lateness is quite different from chronic tardiness characterized by a complete inability to arrive anywhere on time that is generally part of a lifelong pattern.

Psychologists have difficulty pinpointing if always-late people are deliberately disrespectful or if they are actually unable to estimate time. Those of us who generally arrive on time go through a mental process when we are faced with a deadline. We determine the number of minutes between where we are now and where we need to be and develop a work-back schedule that includes an inventory of everything we need and/or want to do in the ensuing time. Using past experience, we note how long it will take to complete each thing and if it's obvious we don't have enough time for everything, we eliminate things from the list or do things less "perfectly" than we would like. As the time ticks down, we check the clock frequently, don't start things we can't finish and look for efficiencies along the way. We may repeat this process several times as we navigate our day.

Unsurprisingly, people who are always late, don't activate this process and no one can say with certainty whether it's deliberate or innate. They really believe they can sleep another fifteen minutes, watch ten more minutes of TV or stop at that trendy coffee shop with the huge lineup. Despite the fact that it has taken them 20 minutes to style their hair every day for the past ten years, they will allot 15 minutes today, thinking they will somehow defy gravity and do it faster.

Diana Delonzor, author of Never Be Late Again: 7 Cures for the Punctually Challenged, is a reformed late person who retrained herself and now helps others. Delonzor says that being chronically late goes well beyond poor time management and different people have different reasons, although they're not always conscious. Some use it as a form of control and rebellion against authority, others lack the willpower and discipline to follow through on actions. Some people just have an 'absent-minded professor' personality and are always getting lost in their thoughts and activities. She says that being ten minutes late for work everyday for a year amounts to one week's paid vacation.

So are they just irresponsible or do they suffer from an inherent lack of self-discipline? Well, if they're looking for an office job, it doesn't really matter. In order for a workplace (and society in general) to function, we need some kind of order and one of the simplest ways to maintain that is to organize our time. While DeLonzor is proof that a habitually late person can be reformed, it's very hard to change lifelong patterns and once you have the reputation for being unreliable, you can lose friends, get skipped over for promotions and even get fired.

None of us has the luxury of a job that only calls on us to do things we find easy and conveniently overlooks our weaknesses. For some, tardiness is a weakness, for others it might be teamwork or providing feedback. We all have to work at overcoming the stuff that just doesn't come naturally. If you're unable or unwilling to do that, then you're probably sentenced to a life of working on your own, which is not necessarily a bad thing but even then, you will not be able to avoid the odd meeting, wedding or dinner with friends.

Charities - Show Some Gratitude

2011-10-03T08:25:00.000-04:00

"It's better to give than to receive" is one of the many lessons my parents drilled into my siblings and me in an attempt to raise kids who would turn out to be good citizens. To my seven-year-old self, the words rang a bit hollow. In my limited experience, getting something was much more fun than giving something and anyway, I wondered, "Why does it have to be one or the other? Can't they both be equally virtuous?"

As an adult now, I understand the sentiment and I have experienced the thrill of giving to someone whether it's a gift, financial assistance or volunteer time. And as a parent, I'm doing my best to help my children realize how fortunate they are to live in a great country with loving parents who are able to provide for them and nurture them.

With that goal in mind that, last December, I asked them to take $20 from their piggy bank and purchase a toy for less fortunate kids. Neither was thrilled with this request but they approached it differently. One of them reluctantly agreed, knowing that resistance was futile but the other pushed against the notion, railing about the various injustices his father and I have perpetrated against him and how 'it's just not fair'. This was disappointing but not discouraging. At their ages, it's not important that they "get it", it's just important that they "do it". They will figure out why later.

After a quick trip to Toys R US, we took the subway downtown, making a day of it by taking in the decorations at Nathan Phillips Square and the windows at The Bay, before our final stop at the CHUM/City TV building, where we would drop off our gifts to the Christmas Wish program.

We walked into the building and came face to face with a mountain of toys so high it almost hit the ceiling. No one was there to greet us so we lingered in the hallway for a few minutes, the boys clutching their bags and looking enviously at the toy mountain. Finally, a security guard came up and sat down at a desk. When it became obvious he wasn't going to talk to us, I told him we were there to donate something to their Christmas toy drive. Without looking up, he gestured to the toy mountain and told us we could just add our stuff to the pile and went back to his paperwork.

While I didn't expect anyone to do cartwheels over our generosity, I had anticipated that a heartfelt 'thank you' to the boys would be the final step in my afternoon of teaching. Instead, they left feeling a bit sad and full of misplaced jealousy that some other lucky kids were going to get all those amazing toys. Totally deflated, I didn't even bother explaining that they needed to be distributed between thousands of children.

I have no idea of this was a case of bad timing and I have every reason to believe this is an organization and a program that is truly committed to helping. We will donate again this year and I'll continue to emphasize the importance of giving with no conditions. That said, charities must accept that they need to meet donors halfway, acknowledge them, thank them and in cases like this, understand that they are playing a role in the development of future donors.

Ten Old-School Tips for Keeping a Job, Even in Hard Times

2011-08-30T13:57:00.005-04:00

When I started my very first job more than 20 years ago, my father gave me one piece of advice – be the first one in the office in the morning and the last one to leave at night. Although he had spent most of his life working in factories, he knew this to be true and in all of my jobs since then, including managing my own business, I’ve never gone wrong with this mantra.

In addition, here are ten more tips for impressing your bosses:

1. Listen more than you talk – You may know some stuff but you don’t know everything. If you’re starting out in your career, you have a lot to learn from others who have been doing it longer. If you don’t understand a particular decision or strategy, ask for the rationale so you can learn.

2. Don’t worry about your co-workers – Unless they are jeopardizing a project, don’t spend a lot of time complaining about your co-workers. You may think you work harder than they do but you don’t know if they take work home at night or come in on the weekend.

3. Learn how to manage your time – Most offices open at a set time and everyone should be there by then with no excuses. If you find it hard to arrive at the office on time, you will miss out on opportunities and it is unlikely that you will be promoted. Similarly, arrive at meetings on time and ready to contribute.

4. Don’t be afraid to ask for a raise – but be prepared to explain what you have done to deserve it in documented detail.

5. Don’t forget where you came from – Promotions usually mean more work, not less. Yes, you can now delegate tasks to more junior employees but you are still responsible for the final product.

6. Become an expert – although you should have a working knowledge of all the facets of your business, become the ‘go-to’ person on at least one thing. Devote yourself to becoming the most knowledgeable person in the office in this area and you will always be in demand.

7. Get organized – Keep your office space neat and tidy. If your boss asks you for something, she will not be impressed by watching you rifle through unruly stacks of paper.

8. Be informed – Read at least one source of news before you arrive at the office but preferably more. You should never find out important news from a client.

9. You are not above anything – No matter what your qualifications, experience or intelligence, you are there to simplify the lives of your managers. Perform every task with enthusiasm and impeccability.

10. Don’t be a troublemaker – Nothing is more toxic to a workplace than a person who is trying to stir up dissent. If you are truly unhappy, take your case to your manager or find another environment that better suits your needs.

Why You're Luckier Than You Think

2011-08-29T08:54:00.004-04:00

Everything I know about life I learned from Warren Buffett. Well, not quite, but they don't call him the sage of Omaha for nothing. One of the things I love about the legendary investor is his acceptance of the role that luck plays in his life. Despite his undeniable brilliance, proficiency with numbers and unparalleled discipline over many years, he maintains that his success is due to being in the "right place at the right time with the right skills".

Although there's a pervasive mythology that he's entirely self-made, his father was actually a stockbroker who was elected to four terms of the United States Congress. Had Buffett's father been an uneducated coal-miner, would he have risen to the same heights? Perhaps, but he never underestimates the role of good fortune in his life.

Buffett's approach appeals to me not just because it's incredibly gracious but also because it's in such stark contrast to the opinions of many mildly and fabulously successful people who believe they are 100 per cent responsible for everything they have. This phenomenon is not limited to the super-rich. It exists at every strata of society, including that lowest rung on the ladder of success, reality show "stars" who have parlayed being born into privilege into a "career". In fact, it seems to be a particular human failing that, once some people achieve any kind of success, they start to believe their own PR and before long, they're telling everyone how hard they've worked to get where they are. Maybe they have worked hard but that doesn't mean they haven't also been lucky. Luck is everywhere and everyone benefits from it whether they realize it or not.

I have spent many years working with and managing other people, seven of those running my own business. Most of the people who have reported to me over the years have been hard workers and some of them are so talented, adaptable and resourceful that they would excel in any situation. Others did well but part of their success was due to the efforts of managers who set them up for success by playing to their strengths, giving them assignments they could handle, rearranging their office hours to suit their family demands, and so on. And now that I have some perspective on things, I can look back and see the many ways that the stars aligned for me in my career even though at the time I believed it was all down to me.

Canadian author Malcolm Gladwell explores the importance of luck in his book Outliers,claiming that "the biggest misconception about success is that we do it solely on our smarts, ambition, hustle and hard
work". Gladwell delves into the background of several of the world's most successful people, and reveals factors, unrelated to innate talent or hard work, which greatly benefited them. As an example, he states that the majority of high-level Canadian hockey players were born in the first few months of the year. Since youth hockey leagues are organized by calendar years, kids born on January 1st play on the same team as kids born on December 31st, which means they are often stronger and faster, pegged as promising athletes early in life and more likely to be chosen for advanced teams. He also reveals that, not only did Bill Gates come from a wealthy family, he was also fortunate enough to attend the only middle school in the entire country
with a computer lab. Gladwell doesn't suggest that Gates wouldn't be successful without that early benefit but wonders if he would be worth $50 billion if he didn't have access to a computer at a time when they weren't commonplace.

When speaking of luck, Buffett often talks about the 'genetic jackpot" whereby "the right endowment of vocal chords, anatomical structure, physical strength, or mental powers" can result in massive success or wealth. And while we're on the topic of anatomical structure, is there anything more annoying than a supermodel who shares insights on how she is personally responsible for her achievements? If ever there was a profession based on pure dumb luck, it's that of the supermodel.

One such creature, stunner Gisele Bundchen, frequently infuriates ordinary women with her pontifications such as this post-pregnancy quote: "I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds." She was back to a fabulous, pre-baby figure and strutting on the catwalk just weeks after delivering her son. I'm sure she did eat healthy. I'm sure she exercised and did yoga and all of that stuff but guess what? Millions of women do that and they don't look like her. Wouldn't it be wonderfully refreshing if someone like her said, "I am extremely fortunate that I have become a millionaire based solely on things that are completely beyond my control and I get to live this life through sheer luck".

Regardless of how hard you have studied or worked in life, luck has played a role in small and large ways. Here are some ordinary ways you might have been lucky:

You were born and/or raised in Canada. This alone gives you more opportunities than most of the world's population.
You have ever gotten a job without going through the application process
You have a parent who used connections to help you get an "in" somewhere
You have been given a car, home or home down payment as a gift
You don't have student loans
You grew up in a large city
You showed early proficiency in something (e.g. music, art, sports) and your family had the financial resources to help you explore your talents
You are more attractive, tall, intelligent, etc. than most people
You grew up in a household where you were loved, nurtured and encouraged
You have parents/in-laws who are willing/able to provide free childcare relieving you of a huge financial burden

These are small bits of luck that people in this country experience every day. They might not seem like a big deal but they have helped give you an edge. Luck is good. We all have some. Some have more than others and we all go through periods where we seem to have nothing but bad luck.

So next time you're feeling unlucky or congratulating yourself on being totally self-made, think about the role of luck in your life and show a little gratitude. The more you appreciate your good luck, the more of it you'll have.

Saying Goodbye to a Classy Guy

2011-08-23T08:27:00.003-04:00

I watched a sitcom episode years ago in which the main characters decided to write obituaries for themselves, even though none of them were facing imminent death. The idea was, if you wrote your obituary in the tone you want to be remembered, you would live out your life accordingly. Each character wrote a lofty obituary filled with praise and laudatory statements about how they made the world a better place, lived a life of integrity, and so on. At first, they tried to live up to the words they had written about themselves but after a few weeks, it proved too cumbersome and they were back to their old spiteful, petty selves. Hilarity ensued!

Yesterday in Canada, Jack Layton, a lifelong politician,
died after a battle with cancer. A state funeral has been organized and long obituaries and tributes will dominate the media today. All of those obituaries will describe him as a passionate, optimistic, tireless advocate for the downtrodden, a man who truly did dedicate his life to improving the world for others, a person who never waffled on his beliefs, a downright classy guy and a decent human being. And unlike the fake obituary writers in the TV show, Jack will deserve every word of the praise posthumously
lavished upon him because he genuinely lived his life that way. What's more, many of those tributes will come from 'enemies', voters of all political stripes.

While every politician needs to possess the drive to succeed, a strong competitive instinct and a love of the spotlight, over time, most of them become consumed with those things and in their rise to the top, are more focussed on their own self-importance than the needs of their constituents. Jack didn't seem to succumb to this plight. While I did not support his political party, I always believed that he was 100 per cent engaged in what he saw as the fight for justice and equality and that he believed his destiny lay in helping advance the causes of those who didn't have a voice. It has made me think about how lovely it would be to live life in such a way that even those who disagree with you, remember you fondly.

Just before he died, Jack wrote an open letter to Canadians in which he asked them to remember that "love is better than anger, hope is better than despair, optimism is better than despair". Classy words from a classy guy.

RIP Jack Layton.

Does Your Movie Theatre Etiquette Deserve an R-Rating?

2011-08-08T11:21:00.004-04:00

I am at a stage in my life where I attend a lot of kids' movies. My kids are old enough to sit through a movie without getting restless but still too young to go on their own so I spend many Saturday and Sunday afternoons in theatres with other parents and their offspring. Once in a while, if the filmmakers have inserted some smart adult in-jokes, it's enjoyable (Megamind). More often, the humour appeals only to the kindergarten crowd and I'm just passing the time (Mr. Popper's Penguins) and sometimes, the offerings are so dull, even the kids are bored (Legend of the Guardians).

Iearned early on that movie theatre etiquette, already struggling to survive in adult-themed movies, is almost non-existent at screenings of kids' movies.

Some relaxing of the rules is to be expected. By their nature, kids are louder, clumsier and messier than most adults and they are still learning the rules of appropriate social behaviour, (presuming their parents are bothering to teach them at all). They rustle candy wrappers incessantly, loudly guzzle drinks and chew popcorn and, need to get up and visit the facilities more often than their adult counterparts. And their childlike innocence and sense of wonder is on full view when they exclaim out loud that the anthropomorphic car is in trouble or the princess needs to run away. I don't have a problem with any of this.

I have however, noticed a disturbing trend taking shape at these screenings and it has to do with the chaparones. Some of the adults at kids' movies seem to think that since they're not there to see a movie of their choice, they are allowed to behave in ways they would never dare if they were out to see an adult movie. At a recent screening of CARS 2, I was seated next to a woman and her daughter of about five. She yapped loudly on her cell phone right through the credits and once the movie started, pulled out a paperback novel and used the light from the device to illuminate the pages. As anyone who has ever sat next to a movie theatre texter knows, this is extremely annoying. After about ten minutes, I attempted to initiate a polite conversation. Here's how it went:

Me: Excuse me, would you mind turning off your cell phone?
Rude mom: I beg your pardon? (delivered in a snarky tone)
Me: Could you please turn off your cell phone? I''m finding the light very distracting.
Rude mom: I can't believe you would even notice it. Why don't you mind your own business?
Me: It's hard not to notice when you're sitting right next to me
Rude mom: If you can see the light from my cell phone then you're focussing too much on me. There's no way you should be able to notice this.

Despite her rudeness, I must have gotten through to her on some level because 15 minutes later, she turned it off and took to holding the book up at an angle that would reflect the light from the movie screen and craned her neck so she could read it that way. Nevertheless, I spent the rest of the movie with my head firmly facing front, lest she accuse me of "focussing on her too much" again. There was an incident later on where her daughter repeatedly kicked the head of the man in front of her and when he complained about it, he was treated with the same disdain but I won't get into it here.

As someone who believes in civility, it's not uncommon for me to politely ask someone to refrain from rude behaviour in public. And, since I'm often rebuffed, ignored or told to go do something anatomically impossible, I have developed a thick skin around it. What makes this situation disturbing is the poor example parents like this are setting for their children. This woman's daughter heard the whole conversation and at a young age, might conclude that her mother's behaviour is appropriate, that there is no need to respond to polite requests in kind, and that it's okay to go through life doing whatever she wants, regardless of its impact on others.

So, is it realistic to expect silence during a screening of a children's movie? No, of course not. But, when you take your child out into public, it behooves you to behave like an adult and set a good example.

A Fabulous Example of Unexpected Kindness

2011-07-26T09:33:00.003-04:00

I'm a bit of an information junkie. First thing in the morning and last thing at night, I can be found trolling through my favourite news, opinion and pop culture websites and blogs, catching up on the latest news. Lately, it seems this obsession has been just feeding my belief that the world truly is going to hell. Lately, the world seems to be rife with the sad - teens murdered in Norway, the distressing - the UK phone hacking scandal, and the truly pathetic - the cost of a Kardashian wedding.

It's really easy to absorb all of this and to assume that there's no hope, everyone is corrupt (or corruptible), reality shows (and the 'stars' they spawn) are taking over and dumbing down the entire population and most people will do anything for a buck.

But, the upside of having an emotionally-charged personality is that it doesn't take much to bring me out of my reverie. A little bit of human kindness lifts my spirits and I bounce right back. Here's what did it today.

A while back, Alan Guei, an 18-year-old high school student from Compton (Los Angeles inner city), won a $40,000 scholarship at a free-throw basketball competition. A few weeks later, he was awarded a full scholarship to the university of his choice.
Knowing that his post-secondary costs were now taken care of, he donated his entire $40,000 prize to the other kids in the free throw competition. In his words, “I’m well taken care of to go to school. I could have kept the money, but I figured why
not give the money to others that needed it more than I (do). These kids wanted to go to school and they were having a lot of financial (troubles) and I figured why not help them.”. You can read the whole story here

It's interesting that this story took place in Los Angeles, which also happens to be home to the biggest collection of spoiled, vapid, irresponsible young people in the world, a world where people become celebrities for nothing more than being born into wealth, videotaping their sexual escapades and behaving like cretins on reality TV. Although he didn't seek fame or notoriety, this young man has achieved celebrity for his kindness and we can all learn a lot from him.

Just when I think I've seen it all...

2011-07-14T15:22:00.002-04:00

People often ask me to name the worst etiquette faux pas. While there are some basic etiquette rules that should never be broken, there's no list that ranks gaffes in order of most egregious. Besides, people are annoyed by different things and what might be the height of rudeness to one person is perfectly acceptable to another. Having said that, I know what my answer would be.

In order, the top three things that drive me crazy are:

1. Inappropriate cell phone use

2. Cheating at four-way stop signs

3. Chewing gum with your mouth open

So I'm always ready to share cell phone horror stories and remind people of cell phone etiquette courtesy (whether they ask for it or not). In Toronto, we are surrounded by a cacophony of jangling ringtones, loud talkers and people trying to balance phones between their shoulder and jaw as they try to multi-task. While other people can tune it out, I never get used to it and it continues to rankle me day after day.

Just when I thought I had seen (and heard) it all, I witnessed something the other night that shocked even me.

I was getting a pedicure in a local salon. It's a small shop and in addition to myself, there were three other customers and three staff members. One of the customers was making very loud, back-to-back cell phone calls all through her manicure. When the technician was working on one hand, she would hold the phone in the other. When it was time for that hand's nails to be painted, she would switch hands. You get the picture.

When her nails were finally finished, the technician politely asked her to refrain from using her phone until her nails were completely dry. I breathed a sigh of relief that we would finally have some respite from her incessant, one-sided chatter. But it was not to be. Without missing a beat, she placed the phone on the table, carefully punched in some numbers and then (gasp), put it on speaker phone. A man called Boris answered and she proceeded to have a loud, annoying conversation with him without even telling him that a) he was on speaker and b) seven other hapless victims were hearing the entire call. Their conversation lasted about 10 minutes, turned into a heated argument, revealed lots of personal details about poor Boris and had the cumulative effect of making all of us squirm in our seats and look at each other in amazement. We tried to give her the look of death but she was absolutely immune to it, so wrapped up in her own world.

The salon staff apologized to the other customers but didn't seem to feel comfortable asking her to end the call so I did it for them, in the most polite way possible of course. She looked at me like I was the rude one, stood up and stormed out of the store.

This example is rife with examples of poor cell phone etiquette but, just as a refresher, I'll summarize the usage guidelines here:

1. Don't have a long cell phone conversation in a place where people cannot escape from you - this means elevators, grounded airplanes, cafes, restaurants, retail checkout lines and salons.

2. If you must have a cell phone conversation in public, try to maintain at least 10 feet between you and the next human.

3. Unless it's a business boardroom and a conference call is planned, never have a speaker phone conversation in the vicinity of other people.

4. Never put the person on the other end of the line on speaker phone without asking their permission, or at the very least, giving them a heads-up.

5. Don't yell. The microphones on cell phones are so good these days that you could almost use a whisper and people would still be able to hear you.

6. Don't share sensitive information in the vicinity of other people - for security and embarrassment reasons, refrain from sharing personal details, phone numbers, email addresses, snail mail addresses, negotiation or proprietary information or information of a competitive nature.

7. Ditch the cutesy rings if you're an adult - I know many people disagree with me on this one but I don't want to hear a tinny rendition of "All the Single Ladies" squeezed out of the tiny speakers on your iPhone.

8.Turn off your ringer in any place where it would annoy others (e.g. during a speech, at an awards show, at a performance, at the movies, etc.) and if you happen to forget, please for the love of God, don't pick it up and start talking.

Hope this is helpful. Let me know if there are any other cell phone situations that bug you.

Weigh the options before you pull a Johnny Paycheck

2011-07-11T12:41:00.008-04:00

Take this Job and Shove It...If you're over 40, you probably remember that old Johhny Paycheck song. It's a sad tale about a man who worked long and hard for no reward. It struck such a chord with disgruntled workers in America, that it spent 18 weeks at Number 1, was the basis for a movie of the same name and has become an anthem for overworked and under-appreciated employees everywhere.

I found myself humming this song as I read about Kai Nagata, a 24-year-old CTV correspondent who became so disillusioned with what he termed the "Barbie and Ken" style of TV news that he felt he had no choice but to resign. But he didn't just hand in his letter, eat his farewell cake, clear his desk and leave. Instead, he chose to vent his frustration in a 3,000-word missive about everything that's wrong with the business. The essay went on to receive widespread attention from journalists across Canada and was even lauded by Roger Ebert.

Before I go any further, let me say that his parting words, admittedly well-written, are much more eloquent than the words in the Johnny Paycheck song and he makes some valid points. Among other claims, Nagata bemoans the "unspoken ratio of talent to attractiveness" and the focus on the recent royal visit when "there was real news happening". And, in a world where few people act with integrity, I admire his decision not only to resign from a position which doesn't align with his personal values but also to have the courage to outline the reason for his departure in so candid a manner.

From a business etiquette viewpoint however, I don't believe it's a good idea to burn your bridges so spectacularly at such a young age. I'm not totally against the burning of bridges and I've torched a few myself but in each case, I weighed the pros and cons of the consequences and really asked myself if my discomfort, dislike or disgust of the person or organization was so great that I was comfortable knowing I could never count on them for support again On the few cases, I decided to burn a bridge, I shared my opinions freely but only with my direct supervisor, in person and in private and without any desire to gain fame or notoriety from it.

Although he may be one of the few to act on his impulses, Nagata is simply the latest in a long line of young people (myself included) who have chosen a profession, studied it and dreamed of all the wonderful things we would do with it, only to find out that, once we were finally working in our chosen field, it didn't live up to our expectations. This is a huge disappointment for an idealistic young person and sadly, remains a source of frustration for many people who have been toiling away for decades.

We are all tested in the workplace and we all face times when we have to decide whether or not we should continue working at a job which has become unpleasant, that is, assuming we have the freedom to do so. If such freedom exists then we need to establish our personal threshold for frustration. How important it is that the way we pay our bills match our personal values, that the role we have is the one we signed up for, that the business operations of our employer match the values on its mission statement, that we feel comfortable with the state of the industry in which we toil?

And if it's unbearable, then we leave, and etiquette dictates that we do it in as gracious a manner as possible, not only because it's the professional thing to do, but also because it's a small world and we need all the friends we can get.

I'm not sure how the future will unfold for this young man. Perhaps the infamy he has achieved from his farewell letter will catapult him to a much more rewarding position and his risk will have been well worth it. But he's very young and has a lot of working years left. Let's hope he never has to ask his former employers for a reference.

Have you ever told someone to "take this job and shove it?" I'd love to hear about it.

Rethinking Conference Etiquette

2011-05-27T08:35:00.006-04:00

As you know, I'm a student of etiquette, literally. I have most of the rules and protocol required for various situations stored away in my brain, try (with various levels of success) to conduct myself with decorum in public and regularly bemoan the "utter bloody rudeness of people today" to use a phrase from one of my favourite etiquette authors, Lynne Truss.

Once in a while, all of my notions of civility are challenged with pleasantly surprising outcomes. This week I attended MESH 2011, Canada's Web conference, where visionaries, experts, newbies, and people just desperately trying to stay abreast of trends (me) come together to connect, share and inspire. I'm here to talk about etiquette but let me just say off the bat that it was great - content, speakers, networking, venue, food - all well worth the price of admission.

So here's what I witnessed at MESH. When I walked into the morning keynote on the first day I was shocked to see the room doors were wide open, people were milling around and coming and going as they pleased. Almost everyone was engaged in something other than actively looking at the speaker. The iPads, laptops and smartphones on the tables outnumbered the people sitting at them.

The conference attendees were chatting, tweeting, eating, drinking and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves. Towards the back of the room, people were lounging on huge bean bag chairs so I decided to plop down on one and hey presto, I immediately became a "new etiquette" convert. Here's a photo of the Fat Boy bean bag chair which is the most comfortable thing in the world.

Over the next two days I continued to be amazed with this extremely relaxed approach to conference-going. While I eventually grew to embrace it, there were some people who took it a bit too far. A man slumped in the bean bag chair in front of me was so relaxed he took his shoes off, an etiquette no-no in any business situation. No one wants to smell your socks, no matter how informal the environment. And, chairs filled with beans are not always conducive to learning - a young woman to my right dozed off in her bean bag, Blackberry clutched in her hands. I even saw a woman knitting fervently during an afternoon session, which ironically, was more distracting than all of the electronic devices.

But overall, despite the casual atmosphere, everyone was very well-behaved. I didn't hear a single cell phone ringtone in any of the sessions. People formed orderly lines and behaved at the buffets, and most importantly, actively networked. Everyone was polite, kind and willing to share their business cards and their ideas.

I found myself thinking back to the hundreds of traditional conferences I've attended in two decades in business and if I'm really honest, there have been many times where I've sat on a hard chair, in a freezing, dated hotel conference room, bored by an uninspiring speaker and desperately needing to go to the washroom or refill my coffee (or both) but remaining glued to my seat out of respect for the presentation or a fear of being too conspicuous as I make my way to the doors. Likewise, I've signed up for sessions only to find out after a few minutes that I know more about the topic than the speaker and could have used the time more productively. MESH turns this on its head. They bring together the content, people and opportunities and provide a basic structure but its up to you to decide how you're going to make it work for you. If that means you want to be taking notes in the front row at every session, so be it. If you'd rather linger in the periphery sipping coffee, knock yourself out. If you only want to socialize and get the t-shirt, that's fine too.

The role of etiquette in society is to increase the comfort level of the people around you. Traditionally, this has assumed that the people around you are comforted by the same things that you take comfort in. MESH proves that's not necessarily the case and that, as long as no one is acting like a complete boor, and everyone is aware of the expectations at the onset, we can set up our own comfort levels. This etiquette afficionado takes comfort in the idea that the rules of civility are always evolving...in a good way.

Please look at me

2010-12-15T08:38:00.006-05:00

When my family needs something from a pharmacy, we take a walk to a nearby chain store. For the past seven years, this store has been our go-to location for diapers, formula, makeup, prescriptions and countless other things.

There is a cashier in this store who has been on duty almost every time I've been in the store. But I've never seen her eyes. This woman and I have been through countless transactions together. She has seen my kids grow. She knows what kind of mascara I like. She is aware of the various ailments that have plagued my family over the last half-decade. But she has never looked at me.

She has somehow managed to conduct every single transaction without facing me, looking at me directly or saying anything other than the minimum of words that are required. She has never smiled, made small talk or even said "thank you".

I find myself wondering about her life story. Is she depressed? Is she preoccupied or tired? Does she hate her job? Does she dislike the customers? What is she like when she is with her friends or family? Is she different away from work? Is she secretly a happy person who just doesn't feel the need to connect with strangers? How can she make it through an eight-hour shift without looking at anyone?

The sad thing is, she is not alone. Everyday we encounter service people, cashiers, customer service reps, etc. who manage to do what is required of them - process a return, get coffee, deliver a pizza - without acknowledging the human being on the other side of the counter. I find this situation really unnerving. Maybe I'm insecure but I long for acknowledgement and eye contact. Pleasantries do not need to be exchanged. Small talk need not be included. I can even (sadly) live without a 'thank you' but please, please, for the sake of civility, can you at least look at me?

According to body language experts, eye contact (or lack thereof) is the most important signal we can send each other and indeed when I did a google search on "the importance of eye contact", most of the entries that came up first, pertained to dating advice for men. But perhaps my frustration has cultural roots. If eye contact means different things in different cultures, perhaps I am just experiencing the diaspora that is Toronto. In North America and Western Europe, eye contact is not only considered proper and polite, but it is also a sign of self-confidence. Other cultures seem to have stricter rules when it comes to eye contact, especially within religious or hierarchical parameters.

So, I haven't uncovered the secret of my local pharmacy's behaviour - prolongued unhappiness, general indifference to others, cultural programming - but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know about you but when I'm spending money, I find it nice to be acknowledged.

Captive at the Cash Register

2010-11-12T09:37:00.007-05:00

"Would you like to donate a dollar to our Love of Giving fund?" On a recent shopping expedition, I was asked this question (or some variation thereof) at four stores in succession and I thought it warranted a blog post on the etiquette of asking for money.

We've all been there. You've schlepped around a busy store, found what you wanted, hauled your purchases to the checkout line, finally made it to the front, and, just when you're about to pay, the cashier asks if you would like to donate a dollar (or amount of your choice) to either their own proprietary charity or another more established one with which they have struck up a partnership. Successfully put on the spot, you have the following options:

1. Say yes willingly and genuinely feel good about it

2. Say yes begrudgingly because you will feel like a schmuck if you don't

3. Say no, feel like above-noted schmuck and avoid judgy stares of fellow store patrons

4. Say no and launch into a rant about how you're sick of "everyone asking for money all the time"

5. Ask for more information which will satisfy your own curiosity or requirements for charitable donations but also result in putting the cashier on the spot and annoying people in the line behind you who just want to pay and get out of the store

You can probably tell by the tone of my multiple choice list that I'm not a huge fan of the "captive at the cash register
request for money" approach to philanthropy and it seems to
me that it's strategically flawed anyway - who wants to be asked
for additional funds at the exact same place where they see the
effect that the HST has on their wallet?

Let me make it clear that I don't blame the store employees in any way. I know they are doing their job and I'm sure they have been directed to ask for donations from every shopper, regardless of how busy they are, how grumpy the person is or how many others are standing in line. It also feel seems that they're not furnished with the information they need to answer questions from would-be donors. When I encountered a request for donations at four stores in succession one day a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ask some questions of clarification before making a decision. I won't name the stores but lets say that they include a national drug store chain with lots of shoppers, a department store with a storied Canadian history, a toy store with a penchant for mis-spelling its name and a provincial chain store with somewhat of a stranglehold on liquor sales. At each store, I asked the cashiers two questions - does the company match the consumer donations and does the company use consumer donations to get a tax write-off?

Only one employee was able to confirm that the company matched the donations but since it's effectively a crown corporation I wonder if they aren't matching the donation with my money anyway. The other three cashiers offered only sighs or blank stares or suggested I call head office. No one was able to answer the tax write-off question but one of the employees said, and I quote, "I don't know but if it's true, I'm going to start my own charity so I can get a write-off". Just the kind of person you want on your frontline. I should add that in all four stores, the livid stares of shoppers standing behind me in line were boring into the back of my skull with a burning intensity as I held up the process with my questions.

Proponents of the cash register donation say that consumers like it because it's fast, simple and they have some "power" over where their dollar is going. Besides, if you're not interested, you simply have to say "no" and you won't be asked again. I have found this to be true. But an unofficial survey of my friends, family members and neighbours revealed that, for the most part, people are experiencing charitable fatigue and find this approach tantamount to harassment.

What do you think? Is the cash register donation request harmless, crafty, strategic, annoying? I'd love to hear from anyone who works in the charitable sector.

My kids will never be that rude...or will they?

2010-10-28T09:27:00.007-04:00

This week I had the pleasure of meeting a close friend for dinner at a fairly nice restaurant. I arrived first and was seated across from a family of four - mom, dad, son of about 16 and daughter of about 19. We were the only parties in the establishment and so I couldn't help overhearing their conversation. I surmised that they were out to celebrate something and sat squeamishly as the parents desperately and without much success, to engage the kids in conversation. The son seemed to realize that small talk was the price of entry for a nice steak but the daughter was having none of it and made sure everyone at the table (and beyond) was aware that she had better things to do. After a few minutes, her disgruntled parents, resigned to their fate, gave up and she pulled out a cell phone and from that point forward, did not lift her eyes from the screen for the duration of the dinner, even continuing to text between mouthfuls.

Of course, my brief encounter with this family lacked any context at all so I have no idea what, if anything, was behind the daughter's extremely offensive behaviour but I responded in the classic parental way, by silently declaring that "no child of mine will ever behave that way, adding in "especially when I'm buying them a nice dinner" for good measure.

The no child of mine declaration is an occupational hazard of parenting and it's not a phrase that should be tossed around lightly. After all, when dealing with another human, even one over which you exert considerable influence, it's impossible to predict their every action into the future. I have had to eat my words countless times as previous declarations were proven unattainable. For example, I proudly announced that no child of mine was ever going to eat junk food, become addicted to bad cartoons or forget to say thank you when someone gave them a gift, but they did. The sentiment comes from a good place - the desire to raise children of whom you can be proud and young adults who will go out into the world as productive, well-mannered members of society. But as any potentially perfect parent has discovered, easier said than done. While we have a great deal of influence over our children, particularly in their earlier years, our words of wisdom don't always sink in, please and thank yous are easily forgotten in public and there is an element of nature versus nurture in all of us.

So, we can't always control behaviour, especially from those sullen, withdrawn teenagers that we all were at one point. But we can set rules and expectations for behaviour both inside the house and out in public and reinforce them in a way that is appropriate for their age. And I think, when it comes to teaching your children manners, starting early, providing constant reminders and never giving up, will eventually result in polite young adults. In our house, nothing can be brought to the dinner table besides food and the tools required to enjoy it and that applies to the adults as well as the kids. It is my hope that, if I am unrelenting about these things early in life, they will become ingrained and I won't have to beg them to refrain from using their cell phones at the dinner table ten years from now.

But will I succeed? Perhaps the poor parents who were sitting next to me tried in vain to establish the same kinds of guidelines and after years of repeating the same mantra, they just gave in with a "kids today" shrug. Perhaps they shared my mortification but decided to ignore their daughter's behaviour on that evening when the only alternative was to have a public argument or risk ruining the outing for everyone, including their son, who was behaving appropriately.

With kids I've learned, never say never but do your best. I'd love to hear from parents of teens if you struggle with this, if you have an issue with it or if it doesn't bother you.

By the way, my friend and I had a lovely time together and got so engrossed in a stimulating face-to-face conversation that neither of us checked our mobile devices once.

Being civil in an uncivil world

2010-10-21T08:56:00.007-04:00

Hi everyone,

This is my first new blog post after a self-imposed hiatus from social media. And, I survived (of course). I was lucky enough to spend the summer with my kids, far north of the city in a small town with no television and all the trappings of Ontario nature, and it was bliss.

When I wasn't building sand castles, playing mini golf or making frequent trips to Dairy Queen, I had some time to think about my fascination with etiquette and whether or not it's still required, relevant or even necessary in our society. My environment provided some interesting insights as I was surrounded by kids out of school, their vacationing parents and retired seniors.

Let's start with the kids. We all know that young children have poor etiquette. Sure, their parents desperately teach them manners and with any luck it sinks in and they remember to say please, thank you and excuse me at the proper time but a concern with the wellbeing of others is just not in the DNA of a youngster. It's in their nature to focus on themselves, their own happiness and what works for them, now! We'll give them a pass because with proper guidance, they will grow out of it, eventually.

Working parents on vacation are usually at their happiest. They're enjoying those precious two weeks in July or August where they don't have to put on a monkey suit, fight traffic or keep ten balls in the air at a time. There's a tiny hint of anguish as their trip counts down from two weeks, to one week to a few days but for the most part, they're contented, enjoying their children, reconnecting with their spouse and maybe even allowing themselves a daydream or two.

And then we get to the seniors. While Canadians over 60 are not immune from the occasional civility slip, they came of age in a time that wasn't punctuated by the endless ringing of cell phones and text message alerts, when it was prudent to keep your personal details to yourself and not be celebrated on reality TV for your bad behaviour, and when deals could be struck with a handshake. I'm not glamorizing this era and I realize we have made a lot of social gains since then. I'm just saying that this cohort seems to have a better grasp of polite conduct and a greater appreciation for face-to-face discussions.

The most pervasive element of my summer environment was a lack of stress, in myself and those around me and while I've always toyed with the idea that stress equals poor etiquette, it is now obvious to me that we live and work in a society that makes it difficult to remember our manners all the time. And even if we remember them, sometimes the world conspires against us and seems to force us to be less than civil, maybe even rude.

For example, if you have all the time in the world, you can live with the driver in front of you going below the speed limit and cruise along behind them. If you're late for the most important meeting in your life and will surely have to incur a parking ticket or even have your car towed just to get there in time, you find yourself slamming on the horn and screaming obscenities. Likewise, of course you know that it's considered rude to talk on your cell phone in line at the coffee shop, but when you're desperately waiting for a call from the only graphic designer in town who's willing to meet your ridiculous, last-minute deadline, you need to pick up right?

What I'm saying is, when you look at the role of etiquette in modern society, there are many people who just don't care and that's sad. But I believe most people truly want to live in a more civil way and they would, if only they lived in a more civil world.

Respect the privacy of your online friends or risk losing them

2010-04-27T12:53:00.006-04:00

I Louise and I'm not on Facebook. There, I said it.have nothing against the hugely popular social networking site (400 million users and growing) but while I use many online communications tools (including this blog platform) in my professional life, I prefer to "keep my socializing old-school" in my private life. I have a lovely circle of closefriends and family members and, by choice or circumstance, we prefer to update each other over dinner or coffee every few weeks rather than electronically every few minutes.I'm also by nature quite a private person, have no desire to reconnect with high school friends or old boyfriends and don't relish the idea of photos of me in the 80s with a Flock of Seagulls haircut floating around in the ether.

Neither am I a huge fan of other people's photos. Show me one or two every few months and I'm good. No, really, that's enough!

I'm also fiercely protective of my children's right to privacy and do not mention their names online, let alone post photos of them. As a parent, I believe it's my job to protect them and posting photos online without their consent, photos which will likely still be there when they become adults, is not okay in my books. I realize many parents disagree with me on this and I have heard all the arguments - "but they're password protected", "but it's just photos of them playing soccer, etc.", "but you can increase your privacy settings".

The thing is, if it's online, it could eventually end up somewhere you don't want it to be. In a recent article on online privacy, Toronto police detective Paul Krawczyk likened posting photos of children online to taking 1,000 photos downtown Toronto and leaving them hanging around.

And, it does seem that these online giants take somewhat of a lax approach to changing privacy settings without warning. Last summer, Canada's privacy commissioner ruled that the site's policies were in violation of federal privacy laws and just last week, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg revealed his vision to turn the Internet into one big social network with Facebook at the helm. And Google Buzz came under fire recently for automatically creating public circles of friends for users based on their most frequent e-mail contacts. Both of these actions were tweaked after a public outcry but some of the damage had already been done.

Having said all of this, I have seen some great business applications for Facebook, I know many people of all ages who love it and that, for people below a certain age, it is an essential way to communicate with friends. Everyone has their own gauge of what is and isn't appropriate for them. Perhaps you are unconcerned about sharing the most intimate details of your life with others, but, etiquette dictates that you follow a few simple rules when it comes to respecting the privacy of your friends and co-workers.

Don't post photos of other people's kids online - I am part of a large extended family and during get-togethers, many people casually snap photos without warning. At these events, I am the "downer" reminding everyone not to post photos of my kids or to name them on their Facebook sites. This usually doesn't go over well and many people think I am being needlessly paranoid but etiquette is about being sensitive to the feelings of others so if people are working hard to protect their own privacy you need to respect that. If in doubt, ask for permission.

Don't tag unflattering photos of people - Many times I have rejoiced in the fact that social networking sites did not exist when I was young and my judgement was unreliable. There are enough embarrasing photos of me to fill ten albums but they don't need to be dragged into the present day. When you upload a photo of anyone, you're not just subjecting them to humiliaton, you could also be helping to tarnish their online reputation.

Take a hint - Even people who enjoy social networking sites and use them regularly, have their boundaries. People choose online "friends" based on their own set of criteria. Perhaps they don't want to revisit the glory days of high school. Maybe they're uncomfortable friending employees. Or, maybe they just don't care for you. Ask once and then let it go. Don't be annoying and, if you're over 13, please don't poke people. Would you do that in real life?

Too much information - Resist the urge to use social networking sites as therapy. Whatever you're going through, it will be more productive (and ultimately therapeutic) for you to hash it out in person with a friend, co-worker or, even a therapist. Sharing the gory details of your breakup on your wall and asking others to weigh in is not only very unbecoming, it's unfair to the other person (no matter how angry you are).

Don't share e-mail addresses - The golden rule when it comes to e-mail addresses is that you should never share one without permission. This means, if you would like to introduce two people by e-mail, you need to get permission from both first. Cumbersome maybe but essential if you want to practice good online etiquette. This is especially true if you want to provide an e-mail address to someone who has something to sell, whether it's Tupperware or a graphic design service. If sending a group e-mail to people who do not already know each other, use a bcc list or, better yet, send separate, personal e-mails.

Hopefully this helps. I'll end with two thoughts. If someone has posted an unflattering photo of me on Facebook, please don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss!

Second, if this post has got you thinking about online privacy, Fast Company has published a great guide on how to audit your Facebook privacy settings,

The Importance of Little Lies

2010-04-01T11:40:00.008-04:00

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies! Stevie Nicks had the right idea when she implored a potential lover to just tell her what she wanted to hear instead of the truth. I have always loved this song although I never knew why and now I think I do.

On the weekend, I watched The Invention of Lying, a sweet little movie in which the characters live in an alternate reality where no one has ever told a lie and, in fact, no one has the ability to lie. Many things about this mythical world appealed to me immensly. There is no crime or corruption since most criminal acts depend on some kind of subterfuge. People don't have delusions of grandeur because they are unable to fabricate the details of their lives. Everyone knows exactly where they stand with everyone else. On the down-side, there are no novels, movies, plays or anything that would rely on fiction (a lie). And, sadly, people are labelled from birth as ugly, beautiful, intelligent, dim-witted and their destiny is basically marked out for them based on these traits.

Finally, there's no such thing as religion. I guess Ricky Gervais, the writer and main character is making the assumption that all religious texts are made up. If you know me, you know where I stand on this particular point but I won't go into it here.

The fun starts when Gervais' character Mark discovers he has the ability to lie. He tells a bank teller he has $800 in his account when in fact he only has $300, and because she has no concept of deceit, she believes him and gives him the money. He tells an attractive woman that the world will end if she doesn't have sex with him and, panicked, she agrees. However, once the novelty wears off, Mark uses his newfound skill to make people feel better about themselves. He tells slow people they are geniuses, plain people they are stunning and depressed people that they're happy. And they all believe him! Eventually, he's making up fantastical stories all over the place and the masses start to see him as a messiah. A religion is born!

As an etiquette afficionado, I generally don't advocate lying. As an entrepreneur I can get behind the "fake it until you make it" approach to business but overall I consider honesty to be the best policy. In fact, until I watched this movie, I would have told you that I never lie but it brought to light all of the tiny lies that our society is based on and how important those little fibs are to our day-to-day interaction with people.

How many times do we tell people that we're fine when we're not? It's not that we're out to deceive them, it's just that we don't have the time or inclination to share the details and we know that when they asked "how are you", they weren't really interested in the gory details of our lives anyway. If a friend or spouse asks us if they look attractive, fat, thin, etc. our responses are usually a massaged version of the truth or even a bald-faced lie. Our desire to protect their feelings takes precedence over the need to be honest. If someone gives us a gift we hate, we don't say so. We accept it graciously, store it in a closet and display it in the living room when they come to visit. When my husband asks me how much that new bag cost, I artfully shave a few dollars off the total and mumble something about a sale, even if I bought it full-price.

I hadn't really considered all these things as lies until I saw the movie and started to think about all the ways deception is woven into our society. The people in the movie were born into a world without lies and had never known anything else but if we were to suddenly start telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth all the time, I feel it would have an enormous impact on our whole society - good and bad.

We're just not ready for it. Or, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men "you can't handle the truth".

"The Gold Should Have Been Mine" and Other Olympic faux pas

2010-03-03T12:48:00.014-05:00

Something happened to me last month. I became a fan of the Olympic Games and not just an occasional fan - an uber fan - and no one was more surprised than me. I have never been interested in the Olympics of either the warm weather or snowy variety. In my view they were an over-politicized, cash grab with hokey pomp and circumstance and an overemphasis on speed and brawn. I went into the 2010 Winter Olympics with the same attitude but on opening day, my kids asked if I would watch the opening ceremonies with them and so I did. I was curious to see how Canada would present itself on the world stage but I wasn't expecting too much and then it happened. I got sucked in! The national pride, beaming athletes, the cool outfits, the home-grown superstars, the special effects, the holographic whales...I was still watching long after the kids went to bed and I was glued to the TV right up until Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal two weeks later.

I'm still not sure how it happened but I'm glad it did. I approached it with a cultivated insoucciance and the next thing I knew, I was racing to the The Bay for official merchandise and chatting about triple toe loops and how shameful it would be if Canada didn't win hockey gold.

So what do the Olympic Games have to do with etiquette? Well, lots apparently. Along with the thrills, spills and chills there were many moments of genuine class and more than a few etiquette blunders. So I decided to award my own gold, silver and bronze medals for Olympic manners.

And the awards for great Olympic etiquette go to...

GOLD - Sydney Crosby - Crosby was interviewed shortly after scoring the winning goal for Canada in the men's hockey finals and when asked how he "did it", he answered in his trademark soft-spoken way that "it just went in". In a sport with so much bravado and chestbeating, it's wonderful to see this young man, one of the best hockey players in the world refer to the goal of his life with such shyness and humility.

SILVER - Julie Chu - When the U.S. Women's Hockey Team lost to Canada, they had the unfortunate role of accepting their silver medal immediately after and therefore were forced to deal with the loss in a public ceremony. This must have been tough and many of them showed it but one of them showed grace under pressure. When Julie Chu accepted her silver medal, she smiled and waved her appreciation to the (mostly Canadian) crowd. She, alone among her teammates, embraced the Olympic spirit.

BRONZE - Sven Kramer - the Dutch speed skater was disqualified shortly after a record-breaking performance that would have almost guaranteed a gold medal. The reason? His coach, momentarily distracted, sent him into the wrong lane. Ouch! Interviewed immediately after, a livid and heartbroken Kramer openly blamed his coach for ruining his Olympic dreams. I'm not an Olympic athlete (or any kind of athlete) but if I had spent my entire life training for one day and someone else pulled the rug out from under me, I'd be mad too. The next day, however, Kramer announced that all was forgiven and together, he and his coach are moving forwards to more victories as a team. Classy!
Honourable Mention: I would be remiss if I didn't include the stellar behaviour of Canadian hockey fans who spilled out into city streets after Canada beat the U.S. in overtime for Olympic gold. The celebration included shouting, hugging, singing and even an impromptu ball hockey game at Yonge & Dundas but no violence, looting or injuries. Just one more reason to believe that "the good old hockey game, it's the best game you can name" as immortalized by Stompin' Tom.

And now for the bad behaviour awards...

GOLD - Evgeni Plushenko - My first thought when I saw the Russian skating star was "boy he needs a new barber" and it went downhill from there. I have no issues with his performance which, in my humble opinion, was spectacular. It was his attitude towards winning a silver medal that nets him a gold medal for bad manners. When it was his turn to go to the second place podium, he unnecessarily climbed over the first place podium to get there. To add insult to injury, he refused to hold his head up during the medal ceremony. An Olympic silver medal is nothing to sneeze at but Plushenko's lack of grace made him an Olympic loser.

SILVER - Eddie McGuire and Mick Molloy - The Australian sports commentators described male ice skaters' routines as "Brokeback Mountain" exercises and said organizers were shocked that one ice skater wasn't gay. Never mind that Olympic calibre ice skating requires a phemonenal level of speed, strength and fitness but is this stuff really still considered funny in 2010? Pathetic!

BRONZE - U.S. Women's Hockey Team - As noted above, Julie Chu accepted her silver medal with grace and enthusiam and put to shame her scowling, crestfallen teammates. I can only imagine how difficult it was to lose such an important game and not have a moment to gain your composure before the medal ceremony. But, it's an Olympic silver medal! It's amazing! And, world-class athletes should have the training and decorum to smile through the pain.

I had to narrow my choices down from many possibilities. I would love to hear your thoughts on Olympic etiquette.

Are You Ready to be Judged on Twitter?

2010-02-22T13:18:00.003-05:00

Last weekend, I took my five-year-old to the Royal Ontario Museum for the afternoon. On the way home, we caught the subway at the Yonge/Bloor station and had the pleasure of interacting with a wonderful ticket-taker. She playfully flirted with my son, talking to him about Valentine's Day, let him turn the ticket lever and even gave him a heart-shaped chocolate. He was thrilled and my faith in TTC customer service was renewed a little. I immediately pulled out my Blackberry and tweeted about my positive customer service experience.

If you live in Toronto, you'll know that our public transportation system (TTC) has taken a beating lately for shoddy customer service. While the organization's approach to service has never been stellar, riders frustrated with a recent fare hike, have taken matters into their own hands by posting photos/videos of napping ticket takers and drivers taking seven-minute coffee breaks while riders steam on idling buses. These photos have ended up on the front pages and home pages of media outlets.

By and large, these public "outings" have been supported by Toronto taxpayers, many of whom have grown weary with years of indifference and rudeness on the part of TTC employees. Protests from the union and its members fell on deaf ears because for the most part, TTC ticket takers and drivers have done little over the years to endear themselves to the people they serve and so, when they most needed support, it just wasn't there.

Many TTC employees complained that they were being held to a higher standard because they are public employees and that riders don't know the story behind their rudeness or apathy. Their union decried the nastiness of riders snapping photos and sharing them with the world. The general reaction was basically - if you do a good job and you're pleasant you won't have anything to worry about.

Personally, I don't think it's unreasonable for public employees to be scrutinized by the public. People who work in the private sector are scrutinized by the clients who pay their salaries so why should it be any different in the public sector? While the government jobs may not be glamorous (although some are) they are secure positions with decent pay and good benefits and don't seem to be tied to the ups and downs of the economy. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for them to be so unpleasant.

My experience with the pleasant ticket-taker got me thinking, what if we were all judged on Twitter? What if we all did our jobs knowing that, at any point, someone might tweet about our poor attitude or our great service. Would we complain that it wasn't fair or would we relish the opportunity to be publicly praised for our good works? If I knew that my clients were going to tweet about my company's level of service on Twitter, I might be inspired and encourage my staff to go above and beyond and see who could generate the most positive buzz. We all have off-days and we would hope those wouldn't be the ones that would be profiled but if they were, we would just have to try harder to gain back the trust of our publics.

Are you ready to be judged on Twitter?

Tweeting the not-so-friendly skies

2010-02-16T11:26:00.010-05:00

Many of your have heard about director Kevin Smith's ejection from a Southwest Airlines flight. As it happens, I follow Kevin Smith on Twitter and, on Saturday night, during half an hour with nothing to do, I witnessed live, as did many others, Mr. Smith's colourful and vitriolic immediate reaction to this situation. He was obviously enraged and showed no mercy in his expletive-ridden criticism of Southwest Airlines cheered on by his adoring fans/followers.

As an etiquette afficionado, I'm all about customer service and from what I can ascertain, Mr. Smith did not receive the service to which he was entitled. But, while I believe that everyone deserves respect from the organizations with which they deal and I support initiatives which challenge poor treatment of customers, I wonder if immediately taking your frustration viral and saying whatever comes into your head, profanity and all, is the best way of dealing with it.

I always, always follow up on poor service and I strongly urge everyone to do it. As a customer, I feel an obligation to report if a company representative is not living up to an organization's promise and as a business owner, I know how valuable this kind of feedback is to maintaining and nurturuing a positive relationship with my clients.

However, because we live in a society that does not put a premium on human interaction, there are many moments when I have been so insenced by shabby service that my first instinct has been to pull out my Blackberry and start tweeting and, although I'm not a movie director with 1.5 million followers, I do have several hundred followers, most of whom are very engaged in the Twittersphere. In other words, I might be able to do a tiny bit of damage.

But shouldn't we be trying to resolve our issues on a higher level than the ones on which they were created? The service offender in question may have behaved like a cretin but responding in kind just sets off a war of words where the initial issue is forgotten and people take sides withouth having the facts.

So, I usually recommend a complaint hierarchy, if you will, that goes something like this:

Step 1 - Try to resolve the issue with the person who is directly responsible for it
Step 2 - If this doesn't work, think about what you need to resolve the issue (e.g. an apology, a refund) and speak with whoever is in charge of customer service
Step 3 - If you are still not satisfied, go as high in the organization as you can until the situation is resolved to your satisfaction
Step 4 - If you still don't get anywhere, go online for help. Blog about the situation or ask for help on Twitter but be professional and keep it factual.
Step 5 - When the situation is fixed, say thank you

Sadly, this strategy requires patience in the face of mounting anger. Conflicts are usually never resolved with the person who caused them (Step 1) and often, the only time anyone shows any real interest in helping is after Step 4 - when I've asked for it on Twitter. Kevin Smith knows this and Southwest has learned the hard way. But I still think a measured approach is more constructive than everyone just tweeting their rage and naming names.

On a final note, I'll say that the way this situation has spiralled in favour of Kevin Smith is a good reason why a) companies should always treat clients with respect and b) watch some movies guys. He's very recognizable!

You're As Big As A House and Other Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

2010-02-05T10:25:00.009-05:00

I gained very little weight during my pregnancies. No, I'm not one of those lucky people who never puts on weight. It was due to prolongued morning sickness that lasted well into
the ninth month and reared its head at all hours of the
day and night. So, no one told me I was as large as a
house (thankfully) but I was subjected to all manner
of etiquette violations because, an impending birth,
like all of lives monumentous occasions, brings out
the crazy in people. I could write an entire blog about
the dos and don'ts of maternity etiquette but I've distilled
my pet peeves and advice to ten tips that will help whether
you are the expectant mother, the doting partner, family,
friends, colleagues, or a complete stranger. As a disclaimer,
I have to admit that I've written these from the point of view
of a woman who has carried two babies. I'm sure if my husband wrote this post, he would have different things to say but he didn't go through it now did he?

1. Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

Are you pregnant? - If you have to ask, don't! All sorts of things can go wrong here. If the woman in question is not indeed pregnant then she does not need the implication that she has gained weight. Perhaps she is pregnant but has not yet shared her good news, in which case you've put her on the spot. Often times she has already delivered the baby but is still working on shedding the baby weight (no easy feat). Obviously, as women get farther on in the pregnancy, it becomes more obvious but I would say this is after the six month mark.

You're huge - Take it from me, if a pregnant woman has reached the point where her appearance elicits that kind of comment, she doesn't want to be reminded of it. She's large, uncomfortable and starting to wonder if she'll ever get her pre-pregnancy body back.

Are you planning to breastfeed? - Until I had my own kids, I didn't realize what a politicized issue this had become. How a mother will choose to nourish her offspring is a personal decision based on a host of factors. She should not have to disclose this to strangers or even well-meaning friends and colleagues. And, once the decision has been made, she should not have to defend it to anyone. Try to resist the urge to preach or change her mind.

2. Things You Should Try Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

Are you getting an epidural? - This question is often asked with the best of intentions and in the spirit of sharing your own experiences or giving advice. But pregnancy, especially with the first child is so overwhelming and unknown that it's really hard to make this decision until the moment arrives. If someone asks for your advice, feel free to share but if they don't, let them make up their own mind. And don't judge them if they change it when they're in labour.

Your whole life is going to change - Duh, no kidding! As anyone who has gone from childless to parent in 24 hours knows, this is true. But that doesn't mean that an expectant mother (or her spouse) needs to hear it over and over for nine months. If possible, share the joy of parenthood more than you talk about the lack of sleep.

3. Etiquette tips

Put comfort first - Just as you would with any friend or colleague who is not in their normal state of health, try to remember that a woman in the latter stages of pregnancy may not be able to stand for a long period of time, might need more water or more bathroom breaks. If you're having a gathering in your home, let the pregnant woman have the comfy chair. She'll love you for it.

Give up your seat - I was disappointed during both my pregnancies to see that the old rule of giving your subway seat to a pregnant woman was not followed by everyone. While people did occasionally offer me their seat, they were almost all females and elderly people. I don't want to tar everyone with the same brush but many able-bodied men looked right through me even when I was very obviously ready to give birth. I don't know if this was a lack of etiquette or a misguided fear of offending me in a post-feminist world but you should make the offer. If the person says "no" then at least you've done the right thing.

Keep your labour war stories to yourself - Many parents feel that someone else's pregnancy is an opportunity for them to talk about themselves. Sentences that start with "when I was pregnant" or "I hope you aren't as sick as I was" or 'I had the longest labour ever" are not helpful to someone who is already nervous about an unfamiliar stage of life.

Don't offload your junk - In the early years of parenting you amass hordes of stuff as you go through the stages of newborn, crawler, toddler, etc. until your home is filled to the brim with jolly jumpers, strollers, exersaucers, mobiles, sheets and clothes that no longer fit. Once your last child has used these acoutriments, the urge to rid yourself of them becomes an obsession and the temptation to dump it on an unsuspecting pregnant couple is almost too good to resist. But resist you must. Let them know you would be pleased to pass on your nearly-new items if and when they are interested. While some will appreciate it, others may want to buy their own baby things for varioius reasons and that's their decision.

4. For Spouses

Please don't complain about your pregnant spouse - I have a friend who's about to give birth and over dinner recently, her husband was kvetching about how she's become irritable. Maybe she has. She's probably exhausted, uncomfortable and anxious to bring a close to a tough nine months. Cut her some slack. I know that sometimes pregnant women can seem cranky and unreasonable. There is a famous story in my household from my second pregnancy when I asked my husband to bring me a Dairy Queen Skor blizzard and instead he went to Loblaws and bought a carton of vanilla ice cream and a jar of chocolate sauce, thinking it would be cheaper if we made our own blizzards. Apparently I went ballistic although my memory is foggy. Was I irrational? Absolutely! Did I have a right to be? Damn right.

A Couple of Things About Avatar

2010-02-02T15:39:00.008-05:00

There was never any question that I would go to see Avatar. My husband and I love science fiction and, as fans of James Cameron's work, we followed the progress of his latest offering long before the title moved into the public consciousness. Film snobs we are not. Our life is already jam-packed with gritty realism so, on the rare occasion the stars align to give us a date night, we tend to favour escapism. While I'm happy to be challenged, provoked, or broadened by film, it's not necessary. In fact, sometimes, it's just too much work after I've put in a day at work and then tucked two rambunctious kids into bed. It is not important for me to be on the cutting edge, but it is important that I fill my precious leisure time with things I will truly enjoy.

So we have seen Avatar...twice...and we loved it. We've heard all of the arguments against it - it's all special effects and no story, the dialogue is leaden, the themes are cliche. Some of this criticism is warranted. It's clear that James Cameron has a viewpoint on war and climate change and he often uses a sledgehammer to drive home a point which could be made with a thumbtack. But that is immaterial. Avatar is a beautiful movie and more importantly, it's a movie event, the likes of which we haven't seen for many years.

From an etiquette point of view, Avatar has also renewed my faith in the movie-going public. Although I love going to the movie theatre, I am always dismayed by the lack of respect and manners displayed by my fellow attendees - feet on the back of seats, talking through the movie, constantly leaving the theatre to answer a ringing cell phone or worse still, answering it during the movie, texting with abandon, etc. At both showings of Avatar I attended, people of all ages behaved themselves. They were quiet, they were transfixed, they turned off their electronic devices and they stayed in their seats, not wanting to miss a thing. Whether or not you like Avatar, any movie that can do that has my vote.

While we're on the subject of etiquette, I generally argue against the excessive tooting of one's own horn, believing that if there is anything worth tooting, someone else will do it for you. Much ado has been made of James Cameron's overzealous acceptance speeches with such phrases as, "I'm the king of the world" (for Titanic) and now "I see you" (for Avatar). I get it, but I'm willing to make a teeny exception for James Cameron. Whether or not you enjoy his particular brand of entertainment, the man has a stellar track record, three blockbuster franchises (Terminator, Titanic and Avatar), the current #1 movie for ten weeks with a box office take that is rivaled only by another of his own movies. In his career he has contributed to the creation and perfection of film-making techniques and technologies that many of his peers have used to great effect. And, this is a guy who, over a 20 year time-frame has turned down many opportunities, preferring to retreat after each success, honing his craft and slowly working on his next project, determined to "do it right" even if it means being out of the limelight for years. Very few people in this world deserve to sing their own praises but I think, in his case, he's allowed.

Thoughts?

Napping employee has me rethinking my thoughts about privacy

2010-01-22T10:22:00.007-05:00

If you read this blog regularly (thank you), you know I am a big believer in privacy and generally not a fan of the many ways in which technology has infiltrated our public and private lives. I have also said that I am immensly thankful that cell phones, Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, etc. were not around when I was a misbehaving teen and a reckless 20-something. Some of my more impulsive antics would have provided great fodder for today's online rubberneckers and I (and everyone else of my generation) really dodged a bullet there.

My general position is that, just because you have the ability to snap a photo of someone and send it around the world, doesn't mean that it's appropriate. But, something happened here in Toronto recently that has me rethinking my views on our right to privacy. If you live here, you already know that yesterday, commuters on our subway system witnessed, photographed and shared a photo of a fare collector in full slumber (reclining, eyes closed, mouth open) as he was "working". As I write this, the photo has gone viral and news is spreading around the world.

The Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) is investigating the situation and my normal response would be to echo their request that we not "jump to conclusions" but this time I'm going to break my own rules and declare this unacceptable. This is not the place to rant about my belief that unions breed complacency but, as an entrepreneur who has steered my company through the worst recession in my lifetime with zero government help or support, during which time I had to bear the injustice of a garbage workers' strike based on ridiculous, outdated demands, I have had enough!

The taxpayers of this city have put up with too much for too long and, all things considered, have been very loyal, gracious and patient with the TTC in the face of ongoing fare hikes with no improvement in service. From an etiquette point of view, I have to say that I have always been disappointed with the level of service of TTC fare collectors. Even though I always greet them pleasantly, most never even raise their heads when I try to buy a ticket and many manage to conduct the entire transaction without lifting their eyes from their newspaper. I walk away feeling thoroughly invisible.

As a result, this group has failed to build any goodwill with me and I have difficulty digging deep to find any compassion for this particular employee. So, this time around I'm going to go against my instincts and, I say to those who would share this photo virally, post away! Maybe it will finally shake things up.

Have Reality Shows Killed Etiquette?

2010-01-13T10:35:00.009-05:00

The other day while at a salon, I had the chance to watch a program I have never seen before and hope to never witness again. It's called My New BFF and the premise involves a co-ed group of people, who,
for no readily discernible reason, are competing to be
the (albeit fake and temporary) best friend forever of
one Paris Hilton. In the segment I caught, a 19-year-old
woman was voted off the show, thereby losing her
opportunity to spend six months trailing behind this
creature like one of the lap dogs she purchases and
discards at will. What struck me was how the unfortunate
contestant took the news - she broke down in tears and,
sobbing loudly, told the camera that her life was over and
she didn't know how she would be able to continue.
I appreciate that most teenagers have not yet developed the ability to put things in their appropriate context but it saddened me that those tears wouldn't be shed for something more worthy of pursuit, say a university
scholarship or an opportunity to study overseas.

As it happens, I don't share the country's fascination with reality shows. I watched the first Survivor in the summer of 2000 and while I thought it was a novel concept at first, I lost interest when the contestants started to behave badly and I abandoned the genre after that. I know there is a reality show hierarchy of sorts and you could make an argument that shows like American Idol celebrate talent while My New BFF represents just a sad opportunity for people who are looking for their 15 minutes of fame. But I am unable to stomach any of them.

The problem is, I suffer from fontrum. According to the Urban Dictionary, fontrum is the act of feeling embarrassment for people who don't have the common sense to feel embarrasment for themselves. The symptoms of fontrum include a queaziness in the pit of the stomach followed by an overwhelming sensation that if you don't remove yourself from the situation in question immediately you will be faced with indisputable proof that the human race is, in fact, doomed.

My particular strain of fontrum is so acute that I am unable to enjoy live performances of any sort and even have to change the channel during painful Academy Awards acceptance speeches.

Evidently, millions of people are not afflicted with fontrum, and, some actually take pleasure in watching other people make a complete ass of themselves in the heat of competition. And it seems that the people who produce reality programming have no bottom. Just when you think the bar has gone as low as it possibly can, something else comes along to challenge your assumptions.

But my main beef with the reality genre is that there is no place for etiquette on these shows. Moreover, etiquette, civility and manners are viewed as weak and worse still, bad for ratings. While I can't place the blame of the decline of etiquette squarely on the shoulders of reality programs and their creators, they have certainly contributed in the following ways:

Lack of discretion - A civil approach to life is one in which the gory details of your personal affairs remain private. Dirty laundry is not for public consumption and it is certainly not for mass consumption. Moreover, rather than retreating after bad behaviour goes public, the perpetrators seem very pleased with themselves and in some cases, go on to win the million dollars, shot at love, bachelor/bachelorette, job with the Donald, in spite of their indiscretions.

Nice guys finish last - Richard Hatch set the standard on that first episode of Survivor and it's gone downhill from there. Perhaps it's naive to think that someone can win a competition on brains, diplomacy and finesse but celebrating someone who has none of these qualities doesn't bode well for the future of civility.

Misplaced ambition - In her brilliant book Generation Me, Dr. Jean Twenge theorizes that for many of today's young people, self-esteem is much more important than accomplishments, and I believe that the proliferation of reality shows feeds into this phenomenon by making icons and celebrities out of people who are famous more for their diva tendancies than any meaningful contribution to the world.

Lack of awareness - I am particularly annoyed by the reality shows whose focus is to document the exploits of various groups of young, beautiful, rich slackers (see The Hills, Laguna Beach, Princes of Malibu). That these do-nothings are able to aquire fame, magazine covers, fashion lines, CD recordings, etc. by virtue of being born into the lucky sperm club is a really sad aspect of our current culture. Free of the need to work, they could be using their wealth and privilege in so many positive ways but they choose fame over philanthropy.

Exploitation of children - If the definition of etiquette is a "sensitive awareness of the feelings of others" then parents who exploit their minor children for reality show fame are the worst etiquette offenders of the lot. As a parent, I am hypersensitive about my children's privacy and I believe that all children deserve to reach adolescence without the unwelcome baggage of magazine covers, embarrasing photos and Internet discourse waiting for them.

New Year's Resolutions for a More Civil Society

2010-01-08T11:31:00.006-05:00

They say if we don't learn from history we're doomed to repeat it and yet, despite multiple failures, each January many of us resolve to stop doing some things (e.g. smoking), do less of some things (eating) or do more of other things (exercise). Statistics show that most of us lose our momentum after about six weeks, as the heady exhilaration of January 1st gives way to the dreary reality of mid-February. And yet, hope springs eternal. Each New Year's Day brings the promise that this year we will be more diligent, less prone to temptation, tougher on ourselves. We will succeed.

This year, in keeping with my increased interest in all things etiquette, I decided to focus my resolutions on things that would help me be a more civil participant in the human race. I have chosen these resolutions for a couple of reasons. The first is purely self-serving in the sense that they don't involve dragging my exhausted self to the gym at 6 a.m. on a weekday morning, saying no to chocolate or limiting myself to one glass of wine. In fact, they can all be seamlessly integrated into the normal course of a day. The second and more important reason is that, despite my interest and passion for manners, I am a work in progress, constantly stifling my baser insticts as I strive to move through the world in a more civil way. I'll let you know how I'm doing six weeks from now.

1. Limit the use of profanity - From time to time, we find ourselves in a situation in which it seems no other word in the English language will suffice to express our level of shock, horror, rage, etc. as adequately as dropping an F-bomb. One simple four-letter word conveys so much and immediately signals the gravity of a crisis. But we can do better, non? Resorting to expletives is crass and unimaginative. Cultivate a richer vocabulary so you can rant in style.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt - If there are people out there whose only interaction with me was on the worst day of my life, they must hold a very low opinion of me and likewise, I have come across many horrid creatures in my day and walked away feeling that I have the full measure of that person...and it's not pleasant. But everyone has bad days, when the world conspires against you and after hours of mounting frustration, you finally snap on whatever hapless soul happens to be in the line of fire. Try to reserve judgement of anyone until you know them better. On the flip side, if you've given someone many opportunities to display their good side and you still haven't seen it, stop wasting your time.

3. Personalize whenever possible - If you read this blog regularly ( thank you!) you'll know I am not a fan of the group e-mail, holiday card, announcement, etc. I have heard all the arguments for why this approach is efficient, necessary, acceptable, etc. but I believe that relationships are created and maintained with a personal touch. As much as possible, ask, thank and apologize to people personally.

4. Three little words - And while we're on the subject of asking, thanking and apologizing, never underestimate the power of these words: Please, Thank You and I'm Sorry. I promise you that it is not possible to say them enough or to overuse them. In fact, I wager that the majority of full-on fights in intimate, social and business settings could be alleviated or avoided all together with these words.

5. Complain in the right way - I am a consumate complainer. By that I mean that, when I encounter poor service, I express myself to as many people as will listen. Let it be noted that I also provide feedback on excellent service as well. But there is a way to complain and a chain of events that one must go through in order to do it properly. Start with the person who is the source of your ire and give them a chance to explain and/or apologize. If the individual in question does not care, you are free to speak with their manager and to keep going until you get the resolution you desire. If you keep it clean and professional, it's acceptable to complain on Twitter, but not until you have at least attempted to resolve the situation through mainstream channels.

6. Count to ten - One of the reasons I became interested in etiquette is that I am blessed with a very short temper (a family trait passed on by my father). In my early 20s, it controlled me and, realizing that I couldn't go through life being a servant to this very unpredictable master, I started to find ways to keep it under wraps. Like many traits we're born with, it never really goes away, but I've learned various techniques to tame it. One is the old cliche of counting to ten. It really works: sends the rage back down to the pit of my stomach where it belongs and stops harsh words from forming in my mouth.

7. Lose the desire to be right - I'm one of those people who hates to be wrong. Isn't everyone? And if there's one thing that really irks me, it's when people argue with me about factual things that are easy to prove. Someone told me a long time ago that if I could lose the desire to be right, I would be much happier and I've been struggling with it ever since. Of course, there are many occasions in life when there is a need to set the record straight or defend oneself from unfair accusations. But there are also many less drastic situations where simply saying "I must have been mistaken" evaporates the tension and improves a relationship.

8. It's not all about you - I have two business acquaintances (who shall remain nameless) who know absolutely nothing about me. Why? Because they've never asked. It's not that they haven't had the chance. We've spent lots of time together, much of it in social settings, but they have never felt the need to ask me anything about my life. Of course I know a lot about them - their wedding plans, difficulty finding a housecleaner, life goals, etc. but I have not been given a chance to reciprocate. As humans, we love to talk about ourselves. It's only natural! But, remember to ask after each other. Even if you are profoundly uninterested in another's life, etiquette dictates that you at least inquire about the basic things - family, summer holidays, new job, etc.

But I Only Had Water - How To Split The Bill And Stay Friends

2009-12-14T16:04:00.010-05:00

Several years ago, I attended a birthday dinner for a close friend at a high-end restaurant of her choice. There were about 20 people at the table, half of whom I didn't know. At the time, I was trying to dig myself out of debt and had a very limited entertainment budget. Accordingly, I ordered one glass of wine and a small salad. Other guests ordered expensive entrees and, while some asked for appetizers "for the table", I made sure I didn't touch them as I was short on cash. When the waiter brought our group cheque, the person on my right (a stranger to me) grabbed it first and it gradually made its way around the table with each person putting in what they felt they owed.

When it finally came back to me, I put in my fair share and counted the large wad of cash in the billfold. To my horror, I realized that it was $30 short of the total, even before the tip was factored in. I got the group's attention and suggested that perhaps some people had forgotten to put in their share of the tax, tip and contribution to the birthday girl's meal. I was met with blank stares, awkward glances and a few murmurs that a couple of people had left early. After an interminable silence, a precious few of us cobbled together enough money to make up the difference and leave a decent, although not generous tip. While I was never able to prove it, I'm convinced that one or two of the guests contributed nothing at all and the whole experience left a very bad taste in my mouth.

I'm sure this scenario, or elements of it, are familiar to anyone who has ever dined in a group and it provides an opportunity to explore several dining etiquette questions: If someone organizes and hosts a dinner, who pays? Is it okay to establish how the bill will be handled at the beginning and ask for separate cheques? Should the bill be split evenly or according to what people owe? What is the appropriate protocol when everyone has contributed and there's still not enough?

Unfortunately, this is one of those murky etiquette areas where there is no correct answer, no Emily Post dictate from on high to reassure us that we're right and everyone else is wrong. It's really a question of the occasion, the group, precedent, and how well everyone knows each other. Sadly, group dining also involves facing up to some unpleasant human truths like the fact that, when we find ourselves confronting the honour system, not all of us will rise to the occasion and behave honourably.
Everyone has different beliefs about money and everyone feels strongly about it. My mother's theory was "it's made round to go round" but you might feel that "a penny saved is a penny earned". After more than 20 years on the group dining circuit, my personal theory is that every circle of friends includes a cheapskate. He's the one who whips out his calculator when the bill comes, doesn't have any cash on him when you're filling the car for a weekend trip, or always offers to bring the soft drinks to a pot luck dinner. Fiscal beliefs run deep and chances are remote that this person will change his ways and start throwing money around. But, he may have many other wonderful qualities. You need to decide if your friendship is more important than the fact that he has trouble parting with funds, and if it is, accept it and move on.
Does the host pay for everyone? There is an etiquette guideline about restaurant meals and that is, the person who does the inviting is the one who pays. While this might be clear in a business setting between two people, it's a bit murky in a social setting where someone might take responsibility for organizing a dinner get-together but has no intention of covering the cost. In this case, if you're concerned about how the bill will be divided, bring it up with the organizer before hand.
Do honourees pay for themselves? Although there's no firm rule, it's generally accepted that, when the occasion is a celebration of a birthday or other anniversary, the person being feted will be treated by the others. If this is the case, it's essential to ensure before the meal start,s that the other guests know they need to factor a percentage of her meal, tax and tip into their contribution. The easiest way to handle it is for the other guests to split the bill evenly, in which case the guest of honour can offer to perhaps provide the tip...or not.
When should you split the bill evenly? My belief is if this is a group of friends or family that you dine with often, or even a group that includes some strangers, every bill should just be split evenly to avoid awkwardness. Life is too short and the hope is that it will all even out over time. As they say, sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug. When the cheque is placed on the table someone needs to take charge, calculate the total including tax and tip and let everyone know how much they owe. Clean, simple and hassle-free!
But what if I only had a salad? This is where it gets tough. Some people routinely eat more than others. Some drink alcohol with every meal. Some never order dessert...and so on. There's no question that splitting a bill evenly favours the big eaters and drinkers and punishes those who didn't consume much. I have a friend who always orders less than everyone else and, when the bill comes, she takes it and announces what she owes and plunks down exactly that much in cash. The rest of us, who are not so concerned, usually split the remainder between us and we get back to the socializing part of the evening, which, after all, is why we're there. You could try this approach, or, you could follow the advice of another friend of mine who, after being repeatedly 'burned' by splitting the bill evenly, came up with her own system. When she arrives at a group dinner, she always asks the waiter for a separate bill on the pretense that she might have to leave early. Sometimes she does leave early and sometimes she stays till the end but she never pays more than her share.
If you're only paying your share, only eat your share - Some people want to have their cake and eat it too - literally. They order very little and only pay for what they actually ordered when the bill comes, but during the meal, they have no problems taking that last piece of bruschetta from the platter or dipping their fork into someone else's dessert. If you insist on just paying for what you ordered, you can't partake of the communal plates, lest you want to become the subject of negative post-dinner gossip.
Choose with care - If you are organizing a group dinner, you need to take into account the economic situations and desires of your guests. Chances are you guests are experiencing a wide range of fiscal realities. Some may be flush with cash and others could be unemployed or have fiscal obligations that you don't have. If you choose a high-end restaurant, be prepared for the fact that it might be difficult for some guests to attend. If you are a guest in this situation, it's okay to call up the organizer and let her know that you would love to go but you can't afford it. Maybe she'll offer to treat you, or maybe not.
Honesty is the best policy - If you're the big eater/drinker in the group and find yourself in a situation where the bill is not being split evenly, PAY YOUR SHARE. It's very poor etiquette to expect others to fund your hunger (or gluttony). Ante up and put in an extra share of the tip since the wait staff probably had to do more work for you. Believe me, nobody likes a mooch!

Getting Through The Holidays With Class

2009-12-09T11:24:00.007-05:00

Yes, it's that time of year again - a time of goodwill towards our fellow citizens, a celebration of family, a time when enemies lay down their swords and remember what's important in life. Or is it? While we all yearn to buy into the spirit of the holidays, for many of us, the festive season is too often characterized by roasting hot malls, drunken uncles, and gatherings we would rather not attend.

When people ask me about holiday etiquette, they're usually confused about the need to do something out of a misplaced sense of obligation. The truth is, the holidays ought to be fun and if you can manage your expectations and not get caught up in what you should do, or worse still, what others should do, you might just enjoy it better. Here are my answers to your top holiday etiquette questions.

Do I have to give (insert name here) a gift? -There is no rule that says you must give any other adult a present. Try to discuss with your spouse, family members and friends ahead of time how you are going to approach gift-giving and stick to the agreed-upon guidelines. Other than that, give someone a gift because you want to and give only what you can afford. Don't give to anyone with the expectation that you will get one in return. And, if someone gives you an unanticipated gift, there is no need to reciprocate. A simple thank you is good enough.

Do I have to participate in the office gift pool? - These things should always be optional. If you're organizing a Secret Santa, please let everyone know that it's optional and don't pressure anyone to join in. If you find you're the only person in your workplace of 20 employees who is not participating, you might change your mind but it's still up to you. If you want to give some co-workers a gift separately, do so in private.

Do I need to go to every party? - I have a rule about party invites. If I look ahead and feel that, on the day of the party, I will regret accepting the invitation, I politely decline. The truth is, I can't attend everything and so I ask myself if I enjoy the company of the host, if it's close to my house, or if attending will add to my stress level. No host will benefit from having me at their gathering if I really don't want to be there. On the flip side, if you are hosting a party, in either a business or social setting, invite as many people as you like but accept that not all will be able to attend. No one should feel forced to come to your gathering and if someone sends their regrets, it is not appropriate for you to ask why, offer to reschedule or try and coerce them to attend.

Do I have to go to the office party? - My inclination is to say "no" because all parties should be optional but you really have to gauge the culture at your workplace. In a previous job, I once decided not to attend the office holiday party because at the time, I had expressed displeasure with some new office policies and I felt it was hypocritical to raise a glass to people with whom I was currently at odds. While I kept my integrity intact, I paid for my decision for weeks afterwards as it was made clear to me, and everyone else in the company, that attendance at future holiday events would be obligatory.

Do I have to tip or give bonuses? - While there is no official obligation, if there is someone in your life - a hairdresser, caregiver or delivery person - who has served you especially well in the past year, a holiday tip or gift is a lovely way to express your thanks for a job well done. Again, think about who you would like to thank and give what you can afford in the form of baked goods, cash or a gift card. This website has guidelines on what to tip everyone from your building superintendent to your personal assistant. Note: if you are an employer and have given bonuses in the past but can no longer afford to do so, please let people know in advance. Many rely on these to cover holiday expenditures.

Do I have to take my shoes off at holiday parties? - I have to admit this is a tough one for me and I have declined invitations because of it. As a female, I choose my holiday party ensembles carefully and removing my beautiful stilletos just wrecks the whole look leaving me with pants that are too long and socks that just don't cut it. Plus, a few hours of standing on hardwood or ceramic tile really takes a toll on my poor feet. If footwear is not welcome at a party, it should be clearly stated on the invitation and if it isn't, call the host and ask for clarification. If you are throwing a party and would prefer your guests to remove their shoes, make it easy for them - thoroughly clean your floor or carpet before their arrival and place baskets or racks in the doorway so they are not forced to pick through a mountain of dirty footwear when they want to leave.

Do I need to bring a gift for the party host? - It is not a rule that you must bring something but it is a nice way to recognize your host's hospitality. As with all things, make it easy for your host to accept your gift. If you bring fresh flowers, bring them in a vase so they can be easily displayed. Your host will be too busy greeting her guests to look for a vase. Similarly, feel free to bring wine or treats but don't expect that they will be served that evening as they may clash with what she has prepared. I like to bring something the host can enjoy the day after the party like bubble bath, a houseplant or some organic coffee.

Is there such a thing as parking lot etiquette? - Parking lot etiquette should be general etiquette - an awareness of the feelings of others - but it's more often frustration and indifference that too often balloons into rage. If you've left your shopping till the last minute, accept the fact that it will take you a while to find a spot and make a resolution to get ahead of the game next year. While you need to drive around and look for a spot, try not to tail people who are walking to their cars - it's creepy (and embarrasing if, like me, you can't remember where it is)! When you see someone who is ready to pull out of a spot, indicate that you're waiting for it and pull in when it's clear. If you see a spot that another motorist is patiently waiting for it, don't swoop in and steal it at the last minute. And, please don't ever park one car in two spots. While I don't condone vandalism, you get what you deserve if people choose to vent their frustrations on your vehicle.

Is it okay to send a form letter in my holiday card? - Personally, I don't like this approach. It's highly impersonal and it usually comes across as a one-sided laundry list of everything that's happened in the past year delivered without any of the appropriate context or nuances. Besides, we send people cards to wish them well, not to talk about ourselves. Rather than blasting out a form letter to hundreds of people, take the time to send cards only to people you're close to, with brief, but personalized messages.

How can I get through the holidays? - It's been said that stress is the result of a gap between our expectations and our reality and no time is that more evident than during the holidays. No matter how hard you try to make everything perfect, there will always be something that won't go according to plan. I'm not saying you should have zero expectations but just do your best and go with the flow, accept the craziness, and, if all else fails, drink and eat your way through it and watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - your family will seem like the very epitome of civility compared to the Griswold clan.

Wishing my readers a beautiful, civil and enjoyable holiday season!

How May I (Not) Help You?

2009-12-02T17:13:00.004-05:00

This is a blog about business etiquette but I often use it as an opportunity to muse (rant) on the sorry state of what passes for customer service these days. And why not? The definition of etiquette is to have an awareness of the feelings of others and how your actions might have an impact on them. If that's not an apt definition for customer service then I don't know what is.

A recent shoddy customer service experience got me thinking about the customer service practices that have the most destructive effect on my resting heartbeat. That's no short list of course but, after much internal debate, I managed to narrow it down to five. I'd love to hear what yours are as well.

1. Having to listen to advertisements for the very product/service I am unhappy with while I wait for assistance - To me, there is no greater arrogance than the assumption that unhappy clients want to listen to you trumpet the virtues of your product while they fume at the other end of the receiver. You know who you are telecom conglomorate!

2. Not being able to press zero immediately - I don't know about you but the first thing I do when I dial a 1-800 number is try to zero out to a live human but the systems are on to me and a friendly voice tells me in no uncertain terms that "that command is not available".

3. Punching in all of my details on the phone only to have the customer service rep ask me for them when he/she finally answers the phone. What was the point of me entering my 10-digit phone number and 15-digit credit card number if it disappears into obscurity?

4. Customer service reps who call me back and only leave their first name and no extension - Whenever this happens, I call the number only to have someone ask me for the full name of the person, which I, of course am unable to provide. The person on the phone then offers to help me but only if I repeat the same sorry lament I gave to the other person before.

5. No apology - How hard is it to tell an irate customer that you're sorry they had a bad experience? No matter how upset I am, if the first person I talk to apologizes, things seem to go well. On the flip side, my rage increases with each unapologetic person I talk to.

Don't mean to burst your bubble but...

2009-11-25T15:40:00.008-05:00

I have a confession. I swallow my gum and I have done so for my whole life. If my kindergarten playmate Georgina was right, then I have a gigantic ball of gum in my stomach that, even as I type, is strangling my intestines and ensuring a slow and painful death. We now know that while gum cannot be broken down in the normal way, it does eventually, make its way out of our systems.

Even as a tike, I was concerned about the etiquette of proper gum disposal and just couldn't bear the thought of holding chewed gum in my hands.

Today, gum, and how people chew it, is among my top five etiquette pet peeves so I thought I'd share a few tips on how to be a choiceful chewer.

It's not a spectator sport - What is it with gum that turns normally polite people into loud, insensitive boors? If you insist on chewing it, please keep your mouth closed. Chewing gum with your mouth open is a disgusting habit. Nobody wants to see the inside of your gaping maw every three seconds as you go through the mastication process.

Just say no to crack(ing) - I'm not sure why gum-chewing is such a noisy endeavour for so many people but it is exceedingly annoying for those in your proximity. I suspect that chronic chewers keep the same piece in their mouth for so long that eventually it's just a small, hard ball which rattles against their teeth causing that incessant snapping sound. You may not know you're doing it but it's driving everybody crazy.

Don't multi-task - In a professional setting, it's almost impossible to chew gum and speak at the same time. If you are in a meeting, job interview, presentation or any other situation in which you will be speaking to others with the intention of impressing them, ditch the gum beforehand.

Dispose with dignity - Evidence of our dwindling etiquette litters North American sidewalks in the form of hardened, black circles of used gum. The act of spitting out one's gum is a bit of a faux-pas pileup: you're spitting, littering and defacing in one fell swoop. When the gum in your mouth has lost its lustre, your civil options are: swallowing it, removing it with your hands and placing it in a garbage receptable, or, if there isn't one close, wrapping it in a napkin or piece of paper for disposal later. If at all possible, removing gum from one's mouth should be in private.

Publicity in Exchange for Donations - The Etiquette of Charitable Giving

2009-11-10T13:13:00.009-05:00

As the holidays approach, we Canadians will be confronted with many opportunities to give - that is after all what the season is all about - despite its more prevalent consumer aspect already taking shape in Christmas displays at a mall near you. Perhaps we will show some kindness to a homeless person who we're usually to busy to see. Maybe we'll drop off some gifts at a toy drive or volunteer at a food bank. Or, if we have the means, we might make a $10,000 donation to a local radio station's fundraising marathon.

It could be said that charity - of the financial or symbolic kind - is the embodiment of etiquette - a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. In fact, it's difficult to find fault with the actual giving of oneself, whether that takes the form of a cheque or a gift of time. And yet, the whole notion of philanthropy is fraught with etiquette landmines. Once someone has donated to your cause, how long do you wait before asking again? Is it appropriate to ask colleagues to buy raffle tickets or chocolate bars to help raise money for their kids school, ballet group or hockey team? Do people have the right to demand things like building naming rights in exchange for gifts of money?

Of all the questions surrounding charity etiquette and ethics, I find this last one the most troubling. My personal belief is that all charity should be anonymous and while I won't go so far as to say that charity with publicity is no longer charity, I do wonder about the motivation behind it. I believe this is also a tenet of some of the world's religions, although many people who participate actively in these organizations don't seem to subscribe to it.

I'm not suggesting that philanthropy has to go undercover and consist of shadowy figures passing envelopes in dark alleys. I'm just saying that, it seems more in line with the spirit of giving if there is no expectation that anyone, short of the benefactor, will ever find out that you have given a donation, or the specific details of said donation. I still occasionally hear about anonymous benefactors making large bequests but the notion seems to have fallen away from our culture. Here in Toronto, if I walk on University Avenue from Queen to Bloor, I see many buildings - mostly hospitals and cultural institutions - emblazoned with the names of the donors who financed their construction. I suppose if a hospital needs a new cancer wing, then a gift with naming rights attached is better than no gift at all. And while I'm quite positive that the people whose names are on these buildings feel passionately about the cause and had the best of intentions, something seems off about the lengths they went to in ensuring that everyone in town would know what they did.

Many unsung heroes engage in simple acts of charity every day - showing compassion to a stranger, giving an employee time off with pay if they're going through a hard time, loaning money to a friend with no strings attached. No news release will be issued to celebrate these acts but, in terms of what makes us a civilized society, they are no less important than large cheques presented at gala affairs amid much fanfare and publicity.

Clearly, I have a strong opinion on this topic but I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you disagree.

How to Screw Up A Vaccination Campaign in 12 Easy Steps

2009-11-02T09:23:00.008-05:00

After months of conjecture and baffling discourse, H1N1 panic has gripped the North American population. And our governments have started rolling out an official innoculation campaign. To say that this campaign, and the clinics that kickstarted it, got off to a bumpy start is a gross understatement. Unmitigated disaster would be a more appropriate way to describe the chaos that characterized the first few days of Toronto's vaccination efforts, brought to you by the good people at Toronto Public Health. Note: I'm referring here to the management who organized the clinics, not the nurses and security guards who have been run off their feet and by all accounts, remained cheerful in the face of adversity.

As a PR agency, we produce an average of ten to twelve events per year. These range from intimate dinners for 20 to public events where we expect hundreds. Although every event is unique, the steps involved in pulling off a seemingly flawless event (there's no such thing as a truly flawless one) are the same and involve a lot of people working behind the scenes against a detailed critical path to ensure success. And, although granted, we're not trying to vaccinate a paranoid public, we face our share of setbacks - caterers who lose our paperwork, hotels which double-book our rooms, guest speakers who cancel at the last minute...well you get the idea. That's what contingency planning is for.

In observing how Toronto Public Health has executed the H1N1 vaccination campaign, it appears that management threw out, or decided to ignore, the most basic principles of event planning. If you're interested in organizing a disastrous event, following this twelve-step process will put you on the path to catastrophe.

1. Take your time - Even if you are briefed about the need for a potential event eight months ahead of time, make sure you don't do anything until a week or two before event day. That's just wasted time. If possible, right smack in the middle of the critical period when you need to confirm dates and product availabilities, go on strike for oh, six or seven weeks. During this time, make it illegal for anyone to work on the project.

2. Broaden your guest list - Don't make a list of your preferred guests. Rather, invite everyone on the planet. Take out a series of full-page advertisements in local newspapers to make sure that everyone knows they're invited to attend. For good measure, throw in some warnings about the dire consequences of not showing up.

3. Order limited quantities of everything - Even though you've done your best to ensure everyone in town will attend your event, make the assumption the vast majority will not show up. Order only enough product for a fraction of your guests. Same goes for things that will make the event go smoothly - chairs, pens, clipboards and food. If anyone brings up the words "contingency planning" remove them from the committee.

4. Confirm nothing in advance - You had one phone call months ago with your vaccine supplier and they said you would get a million doses. Now that your event is upon you, there's no need to call and double-check that it's still a go. People always do what they say they're going to do right?

5. Don't hire professionals - Sure, you work in a city with countless experienced event planners but you don't need to hire one of those people to help you. I mean, how hard can it be to organize a few thousand pregnant women, sickly citizens and fractious, bored toddlers.

6. Take the road less travelled - Sit down as a group and think about all the ways you could simplify your campaign roll-out. Ask yourself questions like: Is there any place in our society where large groups of children congregate during the day? or, If only there was a qualified health professional who pregnant women saw on a monthly basis. Decide that there's no such thing and the only way is for you to set up your own clinics.

8. Deliver mixed messages - At the start of your event, divide event staff into ten even groups. Give each group a completely different set of answers to key questions. For example: tell some nurses that kids five and under are eligible for the vaccination and tell others that it's only kids six months to four. Sit back and watch as the hilarity ensues.

9. Don't put any kind of system in place - Despite what centuries of history have taught us about what happens when you get large groups of people together, assume that only those who are eligible will show up, they will self-organize, form an orderly line, and not attempt to hold places in line for other family members. Ignore even the most rudimentary methods of crowd control - a roll of drink tickets or a series of staunchons. You won't need them.

10. Trim your guest list at the last minute - Two days before your event, decide that 90 per cent of the people you have invited are no longer welcome. Make no apologies and offer no assurances about when they will be reinvited.

11. Make sure it's convenient - When planning the event, think about what would be the most convenient time and place for you to hold it. Base this decision on things like the hours you normally like to work, any plans you might have for the evening. Resist the urge to consider things like the convenience of your guests. We don't want to give them too much control.

12. Deny, deny, deny - When the angry mob turns on you, deny that your complete inability to plan had anything to do with the disaster. Wherever possible, blame your suppliers, staff, and other stakeholders.

Houseguest etiquette - Ten tips that will get you invited back

2009-10-26T10:50:00.009-04:00

When I was ten, my family emigrated from Scotland to Canada. Both of my parents had large extended families and we were the only people any of them knew who lived in the "new world". For the first ten years of our time here, our summers were chock-a-block with family - close and distant - who thought it was just grand that they now had a free place to stay in Canada. The letters from relatives would start coming in the spring - one-page missives that started off asking after our wellbeing and would finish with a line or two about how they were planning a trip here in July and would it be okay if they visited us for a few days. Translation: they and their offspring intended to take over our home for three weeks, during which time, we would be obligated to ferry them to Niagara Falls, the CN Tower and other tourist traps. Some summers would see us hosting three different families.

My parents were too polite to refuse and while they enjoyed catching up with close family members, they both worked hard and it was hard for them to spend their entire hard-earned vacations waiting on others when all they wanted to do was relax. I made the decision then and there that I would never be taken advantage of by a houseguest and, either by circumstance or design, I have been successful. I am not averse to guests but it's possible I give off a vibe that suggests I prefer their visits to be brief.

If you would like to enjoy someone's hospitality, follow these tips for houseguest etiquette and you'll be guaranteed a second invite.

1. Ask, don't tell - Never take for granted that you are welcome in someone's home at the time of your choosing. If you're interested in staying with someone, or using their property, you need to request their permission. Your current relationship with the potential hosts will dictate the level of formality required for the request but you do need to ask if it's convenient. Announcing that you will be there next Friday to stay for the weekend is simply not appropriate.

2. Eliminate surprises - Under no circumstances should you show up unannounced! Your hosts might be delighted to see you but your presence in their home is still a disruption to their routine and they deserve the opportunity to plan for it ahead of time. Same goes for your entourage - whether it's your darling children, harmless pooch or sweet-as-pie girlfriend - don't bring another person unless you clear it with your hosts.

3. Share your itinerary - and stick to it. Don't force your hosts to go into a corner to whisper about when you're going to leave. Tell them. Let people know when you'll be arriving and when you plan to leave so they can reorganize their schedule. There's nothing worse than a houseguest who arrives with the words, "I'm not sure when we'll be going. Let's take it day-by-day and see how it goes..." Even if you will not be expecting them to entertain you, they want to know when their house will be their own again.

4. Get your hands dirty - This is not a hotel. You are staying with people who undoubtedly have busy lives and having you there should not add to their workload significantly. When you arrive, inquire about the routine for cleaning up, putting out the garbage, grocery shopping, etc. and offer to pitch in. Always offer to help with meal preparation and, if you have any culinary skills at all, make a few meals.

5. Contribute financially - This summer, we had guests who stayed for two nights. When they arrived, the first thing they did was unload a cooler from their trunk which contained a variety of snacks picked up on the way. Hallelujah! Nobody likes a mooch and if you stay in someone's home for more than two days and don't offer to help out with the expenses, that's what you are. You don't need to write a cheque for thousands of dollars but you need to be aware that an extra mouth to feed costs money. If possible, arrive with gifts of wine or food, offer to purchase groceries, take your hosts for dinner or simply give them some money to help pay for expenses while you're there.

6. Be invisible - When you depart, there should be no evidence of your stay, save perhaps from the pleasant scent of some flowers or a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Unpleasant reminders of your visit at any point in its duration - hairs in the sink, towels on the floor, dirty dishes, unmade beds, soiled laundry, items borrowed and not put back, long-distance charges - will put you on the DNI (do not invite) list for the future. Regardless of how you operate in your own home, when in someone else's you need to be pristine about your sleeping quarters and any other part of the home you use, especially the bathroom.

7. Cover up - You may love the feel of the crisp sheets on your naked body on a summer night but you'll have to suffer in pyjamas when you're a guest. Some people have a bit of an eww factor thinking of someone else's body parts on their clean sheets but, that aside, you need to be prepared for any eventuality - a 3 a.m. bathroom run, a fire alarm, whatever. Staying at someone's home requires you to dress appropriately at all times. They should not be treated to an early-morning vision of your bare behind as you rummage in the fridge for milk.

8. Respect the rules -Unless it's a college frat house (and even then), every home has rules. While they're not usually posted at the front door, they are there and some are more significant than others. Before you arrive, or shortly after, it's polite to ask if there are any rules of the home. These might include no smoking indoors, no television after 11 p.m., no overnight guests without permission, that certain rooms are off-limits. Whatever they are, respect them. If you don't like it, stay in a hotel.

9. Expect nothing - If, during the course of your vist, your host offers to take you to a local attraction, show or party, you are very fortunate and should thank them accordingly. Other than that, please don't expect them to drive you around town or accompany you to your list of must-see tourist traps. Chances are, they've seen them all before and would rather not spend their day off there. Do your homework ahead of time, collect information, research subway routes and be prepared to travel solo. Let them know what your plans are and invite them to come along. If they decline, don't push it.

10. Take a taxi - Remember that your hosts are under no obligation to pick you up from and drop you off at the airport. A trip to the airport involves a commitment of time, energy and exorbitant parking. If they offer to do this, thank your lucky stars (and them) but by no means, should you expect it. They're already opening their home to you.

BONUS tip - Always, always, always, send a thank-you card within one week of your stay. This is one of those situations in life when thank-you cards are non-negotiable...and I'm not talking about the e-mail kind.

How Not to Offend in 140 Characters or Less

2009-10-13T14:28:00.005-04:00

It's about time I did a blog post on Twitter etiquette. Notice how I didn't say "twetiquette" or "twittetiquette"? I know it's not really an etiquette faux pas but as an aside, I do get annoyed by the insipid trend of just adding a 'tw' to the front of every word when it pertains to Twitter.

But back to Twitter etiquette. As an old-fashioned gal, I am sometimes prone to lamenting that social media is the stage on which whatever remains of our society's civility will go to the gallows. But then I type "Twitter etiquette" into Google and I am pleasantly surprised by the amount of entries that pop up. Obviously, many people care about this issue. So with that, I give you my top ten tips for not being a huge ingrate on Twitter. Feel free to share your own personal faux pas and pet peeves in the comments.

1. Reveal yourself - Make it easy for other tweeters to know who you are, what you look like and where you stand. Take the time to prepare a proper bio including relevant details like where you're from, what you do, your interests and, if you have a particular axe to grind, then be up front about it. I personally think it's better to include a photo of yourself and not your cat, a cartoon character or that Twitter bird thingie. As with all things social media, transparency is key.

2. Use the DM properly - The DM (direct message) function is like a Web-based version of the text message and should be reserved for one-on-one coversations, making plans with another person, in-jokes, etc. Please don't use it to create work for people (e.g. Louise, visit my website and do my quiz) and refrain from those automatic DMs that get fired off to people's e-mail inboxes after they choose to follow you. I've never come across anyone who likes those but many people continue to use them.

3. Use the RT properly - From an etiquette point of view, one of the greatest features of the Twittersphere is the desire to give credit where credit is due, hence the RT fuction. Retweeting gives you the opportunity to share something of interest that another person has tweeted. Not only does this make you look smart and connected, it exposes the other tweeter's message to a wider audience and many people assert that retweeting is what keeps Twitter going. When retweeting, use RT@personsname before repeating their message. Try not to edit or rephrase their words. If you are retweeting something that someone else has already retweeted and need to cut characters, retain the original poster.

4. Don't abandon good grammar - You are not a 13-year-old texting her best friend about Friday night, are you? Take the time to spell properly, check your grammar, doublecheck your links and avoid childish abbreviations if possible. So while it's okay to use numerals instead of spelling out numbers and the '& sign' instead of 'and', don't use text abbreviations like c u l8er!

5. Don't be lazy - If you can't say it in 140 characters, use another platform for your ramblings. I sometimes have to rework my daily etiquette tip several times to make it fit and it's good writing practice. Please don't use multiple tweets to get out one sentence, leaving us hanging in between when you run out of characters.

6. Be fair- 140 characters leaves no room for context or nuance. Online or offline, it's unfair to trash a person, place or thing without providing any kind of background or back-up. If you're referencing a blog post or news story, provide the link and encourage people to make up their own minds. Resist the urge to use Twitter as your own personal soapbox. Disclosure: I've been guilty of this at times. It's that darn instant gratification thing!

7. Remember it's public - One of the downfalls of technology and social media is that it seduces us into believing we're in our own world when in fact, we're sharing it with 6 billion others. To use an old-school metaphor, don't tweet anything you would not want to see on the front page of the daily newspaper. This is doubly important if you're tweeting on behalf of an organization or workplace, or even if you just include your workplace in your bio. Think before you tweet.

8. Spread the love - Remember how unsure you were when you first joined Twitter? There are thousands of poeple like you every day. If you see someone inadvertently commiting a Twitter etiquette faux pas, help them out. Tweet a generic message about how to RT or properly give credit. Don't mock newbies, bring them along. And if someone says they don't see the value of Twitter or of social media in general, you don't need to immediately post a "they just don't get it" rant. Let them come on board in their own time, or not.

9. Avoid profanity - Remember that rule about counting to ten before you send a nasty e-mail? Well, it's the same with Twitter. If you're emotional, walk away from the computer. Don't embarrass yourself and others with foul language and mean-spirited words. You're more creative than that right?

10. Don't fight - I wondered if it was necessary to include this and decided that it was, just in case Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, Kanye West or one of those other badly-behaved celebrity tweeters was reading. Your dirty laundry belongs in the hamper, not Twitter.

Making Scents of Perfume Etiquette

2009-10-07T11:36:00.005-04:00

Today I'm going to share some tips on the etiquette of wearing perfume or cologne. The inappropriate use of scent on one's person is not just an office faux pas anymore. Some organizations have gone so far as to establish polices banning the use of endocrine disrupters and something called Fragrance Sensitivity is an issue addressed in the American Disability Act.

Before I get into the tips, I need to give you full disclosure. I love perfume and cologne, adore it, can't get enough of it. You will never, ever offend me by wearing too much of it. I love when someone walks past me on the sidewalk and leaves a little aromatic souvenir behind. I have a cupboard full of different scents and I actually spend time choosing them each morning, depending on my mood, outfit, plans, etc. Other women fetishize shoes or handbags but I'll walk right past those departments on my way to the fragrance counter. I love how particular scents can trigger memories. To this day, if I'm in close proximity of a particular French cologne, I'm transported to a six-month relationship I had almost a decade ago. And, if I get a whiff of the body lotion I was partial to while dealing with teenage tragedy, the pain of that time comes back to me. That's the power of scent.

But some people don't like scent, on themselves or on others, and there are some situations where one needs to exercise restraint in terms of the volume or type of scent chosen. Here are my tips for proper scent etiquette:

Don't overdo it - If more than one person tells you that you're wearing too much fragrance, you probably are and there are probably many more people who didn't have the courage to confront you. It's not your fault. Our ability to smell our own scents is diminished even while they might be screaming out to those around us. Start to use less and refrain from re-applying more than once a day.

Know when to wear it - Perfume should enhance, not detract from your image. Refrain from using strong scents or any perfume on days when you really need the focus to be on what you're saying (e.g. a job interview or a training session) and not on the musky odour emanating from your neck.

Don't trap people in a cloud of scent - Think twice about spritzing if you're going to be in close quarters with others (e.g. in an airplane or at the opera). Your aroma will envelope them in a smelly prison from which they can't escape.

Remember the two-foot rule - Like many of your unique attributes, your signature scent is supposed to be a special treat for those you allow to get close including your significant other, or others. Don't give it away for free to one and all. If someone says from across the room, "hey isn't that Escape?", chances are you've overdone it.

Apply in private - We are not chimpanzees. Like all aspects of human personal grooming, the application of perfume should take place in the privacy of your home or, if you must reapply, in the office washroom.

Consider the circumstances - Certain occasions in life call for discretion and modesty and should not be sullied by overbearing odours. These include funerals and hospitals.

Don't compete with other aromas - If you're attending an event where aroma is an important part of the experience (e.g. a wine tasting, or a gourmet meal), resist the urge to compete with the food. Believe me, you do not want to experience the wrath of a wine snob.

Cologne is not a deodorant - While it might have an immediate masking experience, wearing cologne or perfume in an attempt to cover up other, less desirable scents, such as body odour, cigarettes or alcohol can only result in disaster as all of the scents co-mingle to produce something mildly noxious.
Following these rules should put you in good stead with the general public or at least, ensure you won't be fired, dumped or avoided due to your smell. Unless, of course, you're hanging out with me. I love perfume!

Customer service so great it makes me want to sing

2009-10-01T13:53:00.007-04:00

Earlier this week, I wrote about the terrible customer service I received while trying to purchase a pair of boots at Sears. Today, I'm going to share the story of the retailer who successfuly sold me a pair of boots and my, what a difference an attitude makes.

After my upsetting experience at Sears, I decided to try my luck elsewhere and ended up at the Skechers store. If you're familiar with the Toronto Eaton Centre, you'll know this is a very short walk. It was lunchtime and the store was busy but bright and airy plus there seemed to be enough salespeople for the amount of customers. The music was a little louder than I like it but then, I am over 40.

I had no sooner spotted a fabulous boot when a smiling young man materialized to ask if I'd like to try them on. I must add that, at the time, he was already balancing about four boxes of shoes but still managed to stop and help me.

I sat down on the very comfy chairs (leather I think) and before I could blink he was back (still smiling) with my boots - right colour, right size. He handed the box to me and said he would be right back, as he went off to help another customer. He was only gone a moment or two when he reappeared, apologized that I had to wait for him (I hadn't really) and asked how I liked the boots.

I liked the boots and I'm not one to dither so I told him that I'd buy them and he accompanied me to the cash register where he made friendly chitchat while completing the transaction, thanked me for coming in to Skechers, and then (I loved this), he walked out from behind the counter to hand me my bag in person. Plus, it was a large reusable bag!

The whole thing took less than 10 minutes and I walked out of there with a great pair of boots - good product, great price, fantastic service.

This is how you do it!

Customer service so bad you want to cry

2009-09-29T10:00:00.010-04:00

For me, etiquette and customer service are entwined. The definition of etiquette - an awareness of the feelings of others and the impact of your actions upon them - applies perfectly to the concept of customer service.

If you read my blog regularly you'll know that I don't usually name names when posting about poor customer service but occasionally, I have an experience that is so bad I fee l I have to "out" the perpetrators.

Yesterday I went to the Sears store at the Toronto Eaton Centre to buy winter boots. Like many women, I start to think about my fall/winter wardrobe in late September and thought I would see what's available before all the sizes are gone. There were more than 20 customers milling around the shoe department and only two employees, a man who was run off his feet and a woman who was engaged in a lively conversation with three other women that obviously had nothing to do with shoes. To be fair, one of the three was trying on a pair of slippers but I waited for about 10 minutes while they chatted with nary a glance down towards her feet.

Finally getting the salesperson's attention, I handed her my boot of choice and she trundled to the back to find my size. She came back out a few minutes later because she had forgotten what size I said. When she came back, she had the right boot in the wrong size. When I asked if I could try it on in MY size, she rolled her eyes and brought out another pair. This time it was the right boot in the right size but the wrong colour. My patience growing thin, I asked her if she could please bring me a pair of boots in my size and colour of choice. After an exasperated sigh, she left, came back a few minutes later, threw a box on the floor and walked away. When I took off the lid, the boots inside were completely different than the sample I had shown her.

I went to find her and, suprise, found her again chatting with the three women as frustrated customers bided their time nearby. I asked her why she kept bringing me the wrong boots to try on and, sneering, she said, "I guess we just don't have what you want". Furious by now, I went to a nearby cash counter and asked to have the store manager paged. About five minutes later, he arrived. This is where it gets good. As I started to explain the situation to him, his cell phone rang and, HE ANSWERED IT! He then proceeded to have a 3-or-4 minute call while I stood there cooling my heels. When he finally got off the phone, I asked him why he took the call when he had a disgruntled customer standing in front of him. He looked at me incredulously and matter-of-factly said he couldn't NOT answer his phone. Can I take a moment here to remind everyone that the world will not end if you let a phone ring to voicemail once in a while?

While my experience in the shoe department frustrated me, I was really dismayed by the manager's actions. An organization's leaders set the tone for its approach to customer service and, by leaving me to stew while he had a conversation, it was clear that placating customers is not a priority.

Needless to say, I left and have no plans to return even though I had money to spend and found something I wanted to buy on that day at that time. I'm sharing my experience here. But, like my friend Eden Spodek says in a similar post on poor customer service , we can blog and rant online all we want. They won't have a clue and they might lose another customer or two. So what.

If customer service was a priority, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.

Technology Ruins Life's Guessing Games

2009-09-21T13:45:00.007-04:00

If "video killed the radio star" then smart phones are killing the music discussion.

A few weeks ago my husband, brother-in-law and his wife were sitting around a campfire in Northern Ontario. It was a beautiful night and much wine had been consumed. We were listening to Queen and the topic of Freddy Mercury's untimely death came up. We spent a mere 60 seconds trying to figure out how many years passed between Queen's first album and Mercury's passing. That's when one of us pulled out a BlackBerry, googled the question and read the answer verbatim from wikipedia, killing the conversation and effectively silencing the debate. Had this discussion taken place ten years ago, we might have passed an hour arguing about the year that Queen appeared on the music charts, sharing our recollection of how old we were and what was happening in our lives. The discussion would no doubt have included some unexpected revelations and surprises.

Later that same weekend, we were watching The Big Lebowski. Somewhere in the middle of the movie the Jeff Bridges character is experiencing a drug-induced trip after being poisoned. I mentioned to my husband that the soundtrack reminded me of a Kenny Rogers tune I used to know in another lifetime. He didn't believe me, but before I had a chance to defend myself, he whipped out his i-Phone and, thanks to Shazam, he was able to grudgingly confirm that I was right. Of course, that wasn't the point. Hearing the song had awoken a memory after almost three decades. As an adolescent I had a good friend whose mom idolized Kenny Rogers and played his records constantly to the point that I can sing along with all of his songs. In the years that followed my friend's family was shattered by some horrible secrets, she moved away and I lost track of her. But for those few years, playing Barbies in her basement, listening to country music, life was good. Of course, I never really got to share that story because, as with the Queen incident, technology had ruined the moment.

It's great that we no longer have to wait more than a few seconds to get the answer to life's pressing questions but the thing is, it's not really the answer that matters, it's the stories conjured up by the trip down memory lane that makes these debates fun. I don't know if technology makes us dumber or lazier but I venture it makes us less interesting.

Cyclists, don't hate me because I drive

2009-09-16T13:22:00.009-04:00

To the young woman in the pink helmet on Sunday night:

First of all, I want to apologize. I was in the wrong. I slowed down to make a right turn and forgot to look both ways. You were coming along on your bike and, though you were still quite far away from me, you yelled loudly to make sure I knew you were there. I heard you and I don't know if you noticed but I tried to placate you with a guilty smile. I'm assuming by the look of disgust on your face and the way you shook your head at me that it didn't work. I know what you were thinking - that I'm just another environmental-hating, self-important motorist who doesn't want to share the road. We were the only two people on that stretch of the road so I bore the full brunt of what I assume is your accumulated anger at motorists who don't see you.

On this particular evening, I was on my way to a client event. Not wanting to be away from my kids on a Sunday, I left home a little later than I should have and I was beginning to worry about being late. I was in a somewhat deserted part of town that I'm not familiar with and I was trying to navigate a series of one-way streets and when you saw me, I was a bit confused from having taken a wrong turn. It's no excuse of course for not seeing you but I offer it by way of explanation.

But, while I slipped up this time, I want you to know I'm a very careful driver. I respect the fact that I share the road with other motorists, cyclists and pedestrians, all of whom are trying to get somewhere in a hurry. I always try to give cyclists a very wide berth and I often slow down or stop to let them pass. I'm constantly checking my sideview mirrors to see if one of you is approaching and if you are, I'll often just wait for you to pass because I can't judge how fast you're going. I really do try to share the road in a respectful way but sometimes I veer a little too far over to the right (perhaps I'm being squeezed by a motorist to my left) and you let me know by hurling profanities, shaking your fist at me or slamming it on the side of the car. I don't even get mad when you come out of nowhere, plough through red lights or weave in front of me, inches away from my engine because you don't want to sit in the traffic jam we're all experiencing.

Using a downtown Toronto road is a daily feat of skill, finesse and courage. There's so much to focus on at once - traffic jams, construction, street cars, parked cars, taxis stopping to pick up or let off passengers, doors opening and closing without warning, honking horns, police cars, ambulances and fire trucks, people crossing on yellow or red lights, pedestrians who are too busy texting to watch for oncoming traffic, not to mention an ever-changing and ever-increasing series of one-way streets, no left turns and lanes that are northbound one day and southbound the next.

I was just wondering if maybe, given everything we all have to deal with, we could approach it in a less hostile manner. Just asking.

Tire Kickers - A Little Respect Please?

2009-09-14T11:23:00.009-04:00

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks, partly because I was in the country with my family, squeezing out the last days of summer. It was a wonderful vacation temporarily disrupted by a major etiquette violation I've decided to share in the context of a troubling trend for us entrepreneurs - the professional tire kicker.

An expression from the used car lot, the "tire kicker" is a person who wastes the time of a salesman though he has no intention of buying. We're not selling used cars at Palette PR but we are getting calls from many people who feel that investing in PR might be just what they need to weather the economic storm. Only, they're not sure how much they want to spend, what their objectives are, or when the project might start.

And, before taking the plunge, they need some assurance that it's the right step. This assurance comes in the form of a meeting in which we share our expertise, show examples of past work, talk about how we might help them and try to get a sense of what they're looking for. While we don't get an idea of the budget we are often promised that "while the initial amount will be on the low side, there is great potential for it to be increased if we're successful". This meeting concludes with a request for a two-or-three-page proposal in which we provide some free ideas for what a campaign might look like. A week or so later, we may be asked to come in and present the ideas in person to someone who is positioned as "the decision-maker". We are told that, if we can impress this mandarin, then the business is as good as ours. Sadly, all too often, this person has "difficulty understanding our vision" and asks for another memo with more detail on how things will play out. And on it goes until, after not hearing from them for a few weeks, we follow up with the potential client, only to find out that they have: a) decided they're not interested in PR after all, b) loved our ideas and have decided to do everything in-house, c) decided to work with another agency and haven't had a chance to inform us.

The person who disturbed the tranquility of my recent vacation was one such potential client, looking for PR assistance in an area in which I have considerable expertise. In order to make a decision, he needed a proposal very quickly. In a telephone conversation, I agreed to prepare a document for him within 48 hours. As an agency principal, I am always engaged in building the business so I begged forgiveness from my family, closed the door and put my work hat on. Five minutes after sending it to Mr. potential client, I received the following e-mail: "Thanks but we've already hired someone".

There is a professional way to look for an agency partner and many organizations respect it by clearly stating their budget, objectives and expectations for the project before meeting with agencies. Some work with search firms like Agency Link and some even compensate participating companies for ideas. When the process is over, these organizations call the unsuccessful parties as soon as the decision has been made and, in an ideal scenario, offer meaningful feedback that will help them do a better job next time.

I realize that, in trying times, it's tough to decide where to spend your marketing dollars and the wrong choice can have lasting consequences. But, that doesn't mean you have the right to waste anyone's time on phantom projects that may or may not happen, with a budget that may or may not materialize and the promise of future, more lucrative work that may or may not come to pass.

That's just not good etiquette!