Teaching your kids manners when the adults are behaving badly

As any parent can tell you, it's hard to teach manners to kids.  Getting your kids to say 'Please' and 'Thank you' and 'Nice to meet you' without constant prompting requires Herculean effort on a daily basis for years before it finally becomes second nature to them.  And it's near impossible to reinforce the need for manners when popular kids programs feature characters who talk down to the adults in their lives (if there are any around) and get lots of canned laughter for rude behaviour and impertinent remarks.

But what about when it's the adults that are behaving poorly?  How do you deal with an eight-year-old who asks, "Why do I have to take off my hat at the table when (insert loutish adult here) doesn't have to and he's an adult?"

At a recent Thanksgiving dinner with my spouse's large extended family, two of the adults brought their smartphones to the dinner table.  Both are parents.  One tapped quietly, checking emails and texts and ignoring the conversation around her.  The other played a loud video on her device and passed it around for everyone to enjoy.

The device made its way down the table, being passed from person to person along with the creamed corn and the gravy.  As it approached me, I wondered how I would deal with it.  We have a strict 'No smartphones at the dinner table' rule in my house.  My kids don't have their own phones yet so the rule is both a reminder for their father and me in the present and a preemptive strike for my kids in the future. So, face-to-face with something I had sworn to my kids was 'rude', I ran through my options:

• Take the phone, glance at the screen, smile weakly to safe face, and pass it on? (safe but wimpy)
• Get up from the table and pretend to go to the restroom just as it was about to be passed to me? (safe but cowardly)
• Go on a rant about how nothing is sacred anymore and the ancient Mayans were right when they suggested the world should end in 2012 (confronting rudeness with more rudeness)
• Get over myself, join the fun, laugh at the video and be a good sport (and lose this teaching moment?)

In the end, I mashed all the options together and said, "I'm going to pass because we don't allow phones at our dinner table and if the kids see me with this, they'll use it against me."

I got a few eye rolls from my dinner companions but that's to be expected.  They have already branded me as weird for my insistence that they don't post photos of my kids on Facebook.  But I was slightly concerned that I had hurt the feelings of the smartphone owner.  After all, while she has a different set of etiquette rules than me, she genuinely thought she was providing entertainment value with her Youtube offering.  I glanced  glance down the table to see her reaction but I need not have worried.  She was busy looking at photos on the other phone that was at the table and hadn't even noticed.  Such is the short attention span associated with anything electronic nowadays.

In case you're wondering, the video featured a dancing vegetable...

Is karma real and should you be worried about it?

I detest loose ends.  I’m not talking about stray threads on hems or flyaway strands in my hairdo.  I refer to tasks that are not complete and have been languishing on my to-do list for days, weeks or even months.  I am tortured by un-purchased birthday presents, unpaid bills and unrealized dreams.

I walk around with an ever-present to-do list – in my notebook and in my head – constantly shedding and adding tasks but never decreasing in length.  Some items get carried over from month to month (stain threshold at back door) and others spend only hours on the list (find son’s hockey helmet).   Still others never seem to see the light of day (learn Mandarin) and exist only in my mind hoping to be transferred onto “the list” once some space frees up.

I can connect my general anxiety level to the amount of loose ends I have following me around and keeping me up at night.  When I strike my pen through a completed item, I experience a physical jolt of satisfaction.  The fewer things on my list, the happier I am and I hold to the belief that if I ever reach a zero balance on my to-do list I will experience a level of nirvana that I can only dream of.  When I explain this to people who do not worry about to-do lists, they think I'm crazy but the world needs all of us.

My obsession with loose ends makes it easy for me to believe in karma. Karma is one of those concepts that everyone kind of understands, like global warming or calculus, but can’t quite explain.  Spiritualists would say it’s an ancient universal balancing system while scientists claim it’s nothing more than basic cause and effect.  It is evident in many religious teachings, modern-day proverbs and motivational teachings: you reap what you sow, you get out of life what you put into it, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and so on.

Cause and effect is easy to quantify – neglect your diet and you gain weight – but the more spiritual side is harder to pin down.  Can it really be true that if you go through the world spreading misery, a universal force will see to it that you get what’s coming to you?  And on the flip side, if you treat everyone with kindness and respect, are you guaranteed a life free of pain?  We know it’s not that simple.  We all know horrible people who seem to carry on, get promotions and accumulate riches while others who behave like angels get more than their fair share of bad luck.

When I have knowingly done something unkind to someone, I feel crappy almost immediately and look for ways to “balance my karma” by doing something good.  The bad karma I’ve created for myself gnaws at me until I even it out.  Sometimes, I don’t have to try very hard and the universe takes care of it for me in the form of a parking ticket, plant that dies or skirt that’s suddenly too tight.   

So, to bring this back to my loose end theory, unbalanced karmic experiences are loose ends, rights that need to be wronged and wrongs that need to be righted so that I’m back on an even keel, with a blank slate and a promise to “only do good from now on”.

I realize that I’m oversimplifying a complicated concept, or maybe overcomplicating a simple concept, but I think I’m a believer in karma. I realize that it’s impossible to go through life without suffering, but my day-to-day life seems to be better when my outlook is positive and empathetic.

What are your thoughts about karma?  Universal law or new age mumbo jumbo?

How about a complaints democracy for volunteer organizations?

I am involved in various ways with a few different organizations that are staffed almost exclusively by volunteers.  Most of these volunteers also have day jobs and family responsibilities.  They have taken on the extra, unpaid work because they are passionate about the organization's mission or mandate and because it has an impact on their professional or personal lives.

Not everyone is suited to chair a committee or mobilize a team.  As with paid work, some people are the organizers, some are the planners and others show up to collect the tickets, serve the food or knock on the doors.  Some people don't have the time or inclination to volunteer and that's fine as well.  It's all optional.

Common across all volunteer organizations, are the complainers, questioners and advice-givers.  These are the people who didn't like the hot dogs at the charity BBQ, ask why you send out weekly emails on Thursdays instead of Fridays and helpfully suggest that you use an inordinate amount of your budget to "go green".

Some of these people have voices that are so loud and mannerisms that are so intimidating that even if they're the only person in a group of 20 who holds a particular opinion, no one challenges them.

When you pay an individual or a corporation for a service and that service is not delivered according to your standards, feel free to complain to anyone who will listen and to escalate your complaint until you receive a satisfactory resolution.   When dealing with volunteers, however, I'd like to see people adopt a more democratic process where the squeaky wheel finds no purchase and good enough is actually considered good enough.

The next time you want to offer a suggestion about how a volunteer can "do things better", ask these questions:

Is the volunteer doing something illegal, unethical or otherwise jeopardizing the reputation of the organization? - If the answer is yes, then this is a legitimate complaint that needs to be dealt with at a high level.  If the answer is no, ponder the following questions:

Is my suggestion actually feasible and can it realistically be executed using the current resources and within the existing time frame and regulatory constraints of the organization?  If not, shelf it or suggest a brainstorming session where people can share out-of-the-box ideas for future consideration.

Will my suggestion benefit other members of the organization or am I just airing my personal grievances? Before lodging a complaint, chat with others to see if it's a common problem. If it is, the association will probably appreciate the feedback.  If it's more personal in nature, let it go.  It's not useful.

Is my suggestion an easy fix or am I just adding to the workload of a volunteer who is already stretched too thin?  Most volunteers are open to questions and even complaints but few appreciate suggestions that pile even more work onto their plates.

Am I willing to participate in the solution or do I simply want to complain and let others do the heavy lifting? If you feel really strongly that something needs to be changed, offer to do some of the legwork to make it happen.  It will go a long way.

What do you think?  Should people be allowed to complain about anything they want?  Am I being too harsh? Are there any other questions complainers should ask themselves?

Why small business owners should just say no to gurus

When you own a small business, people (clients, employees, accountants, relatives and neighbours) are quick to tell you what you can do better. Some of these ideas have merit but most of them don’t. This doesn’t mean that the people sharing them are not bright or capable; it simply means that they don’t have enough context or perspective on your situation to present viable solutions for your business. They are familiar with the part of the business that they touch, but they don’t know your monthly overhead, the reason you’re keeping that problematic employee, why you walked away from a lucrative client, or the major development you’re working on behind closed doors but can’t yet disclose.

Many of the advice-givers are not small business owners themselves, never have been and likely never will be. They don’t know what it’s like to walk away from relative job security to start something fresh. It’s inconceivable to them that for the first few years, you will not take home the same salary you made as an employee because all of your profits will be reinvested in the company. They can’t imagine the agony of staying awake all night the first time you have to fire an employee or how many hoops you had to jump through to keep paycheques flowing in a recession.

While their advice is unsolicited and maybe annoying, all of these would-be sages can be shrugged off. Their intentions are good and, even if they’re not, they’re harmless.

Less harmless are professional “business gurus”, highly paid experts who rake in a lot of money telling others how to succeed. Their bestselling books promise to take your business to new heights, teach you how to swim with piranhas and show you how to get rich working only a few hours a week. They also take their winning formulas on tour, keynoting conferences and adding their voice to business columns. For the most part, they are well-educated, intelligent, articulate and authoritative and have achieved success in their field. I’m just not sure that qualifies them to give advice to small business owners.

Take Jack Welch for example. He joined GE, already a huge corporation, when he was 25 and worked his way up the ranks till he retired at 65. He was Chairman and CEO for 20 years, during which time, the company’s value rose 4,000 per cent. His personal net worth is estimated at $720 million. He has written countless bestsellers on his management style and is an inspiration to many.

Obviously, he is accomplished.  I’m not disputing his abilities but I do wonder what a small business owner can learn from a person who spent his entire career at one company.  Is a corporate hero qualified to give advice to someone running a small ad agency in Toronto or a metal fabrication shop in Dallas?

Guru is a Sanskrit word meaning teacher or imparter of knowledge. In ancient times, a guru was someone who ‘dispelled the darkness of ignorance’. But what if you’re not ignorant? What if you know what’s best for you and your business? What if you can trust your instincts?

A familiar suggestion from the business gurus is to “get out of your comfort zone”. The underlying premise is that your complacency and resistance to change is holding back your business. This is sound advice for corporate dinosaurs clinging to their glory days but I think it’s flawed advice for small businesses. What’s wrong with your comfort zone? It gave you the courage to strike out on your own, guided you into the right business niche and helped you assemble a team that works well together. The one time I followed this advice and ignored my instincts, the results were disastrous.

I’m not saying that no one has useful advice or that you can’t benefit from discussing business problems with a mentor. I just think you'll learn more from a retired restaurant owner than from someone who rode a corporate wave to fame.

In closing I’ll leave you with this wonderful quote about social media gurus from Olivier Blanchard, chief economist at the International Monetary Fund and one of the most cited economists in the world: “A social media guru is a term used to assign imaginary expertise in a nascent communications field to an individual with little to no real world business experience”.

Are you guilty of Death by PowerPoint?

I created the ghastly image above in exactly four minutes using the full range of PowerPoint's handy-dandy text, image and design options.  It's an extreme example to be sure but will not be completely foreign to anyone who has worked in an office environment in the past decade.

You may already be familiar with the phrase, Death by PowerPoint, and while there have been no confirmed cases of people who have actually expired while enduring a PowerPoint presentation, workplaces across the universe are rife with stories of people who metaphorically died, or at the very least, stated that they would rather die, than sit through yet another boring slide show. Not surprising when you consider that 30 million slide-driven presentations are delivered every day.

Toronto communicator Eric Bergman tackles the PowerPoint epidemic, its most common symptoms and potential cures, in his new book, 5 Steps to Conquer Death by PowerPoint.  The book chronicles PowerPoint's journey from shiny new software to boardroom staple, examines the underlying assumptions and misconceptions that force us to choose bullets over conversations, and provides guidelines for breaking free of our addiction.  More importantly, Eric goes back to the communications principles behind sharing data of any kind and reminds us that, before assembling any presentation, we need to be mindful of the needs and wants of our audience.  He even includes a downloadable Audience Manifesto that you can give to the next presenter you hire.

I am not a huge fan of PowerPoint but I can't say I hate it either.  I am not a natural presenter and in my experience, there are very few people who are capable of taking the stage and delivering information in a way that is informative, passionate, and captivating all on their own.  I approach public speaking with hours of preparation, weeks of rehearsal and tons of butterflies flitting around in my stomach.  Other people have the confidence to "wing it" but even then, only a few of them can truly pull it off and many of them are just confusing the desire to speak about themselves with the ability to inspire an audience.

When I present to a large group, I like the security of a few slides behind me.  They serve as an anchor to calm my nerves and prevent me from rambling or going over my allotted time.  So, for those of us who perform better with slides as a backdrop, Eric's five-step process helps ensures they augment our words rather than detracting from them.  The five steps are:

1. Put your audience first - Focus on two-way symmetrical communications where both the presenter and the audience have their needs met and there is equality between the information being shared and the questions and feedback from the receivers.
2. Structure the conversation - The spoken word thrives in an environment of storytelling even when you're imparting complicated information
3. Minimize visual aids - Question the value of each and every slide and only include visual aids if they supplement your story.  If possible, use flip charts, props or audience participation to bring things to life.
4. Convey your message and your personality - Every presentation needs a message and a call to action but no one will accept it if you are not personally believable.  Relaxed conversation is your best presentation style.
5. Answer questions throughout - Telling people you'll try to make time for questions at the end suggests they are not important.  If you have 20 minutes to present, plan a 10 minute presentation and make conversation a priority.

I liked Eric's inclusion of scientific research on how adults learn, the impact of body language and how we receive and process information.  Rookie and seasoned presenters alike will appreciate his Basic Presentation Framework which I'll be using to structure my next presentation.

In closing I'll admit that I would challenge Eric's assumption that we choose PowerPoint without thinking and just accept that it's the standard way of delivering information.  This may be the case for some users but most communicators I know agonize about whether slide-based presentations are necessary or useful and regularly question their value.  When I was running a PR agency, we often suggested to clients that we present without slides only to have them insist upon a formal presentation complete with paper copies they could scribble notes on.  Some of them urged us to put as much detail as possible on every slide so they could meet at a later date to review them on their own.

As all agency people know, getting clients to embrace modern approaches to communications is not just a matter of education.  Sometimes you just have to wait for them to come around.  But now I'm thinking that sending them Eric's book as a gift might not be a bad idea.  Thoughts?

8 Commandments of the Checkout Line

The funny thing about etiquette is, it’s the little things that drive us nuts.  Sure, there are thousands of etiquette books and hundreds of guidelines about netiquette and dress codes and proper forms of introduction but when it comes right down to it, we become most infuriated when people violate the small, unwritten rules of civility.  Few of us are offended if someone wears white after Labour Day or sticks their name tag on the wrong side of their body, but try to sneak 11 items into the express checkout lane and we turn into Emily Post.  In my observations of everyday etiquette, I have noticed that the grocery store checkout lane is a bottomless pit of bad manners so I thought I’d address some of the worst offences here, in Moses style.

1. Thou shalt not disobey the express checkout rules – If you’re able to shop for, and pay for, groceries on your own, you must know how to count to 10 (or eight, or whatever the case may be where you shop).  Eleven is not 10.  Twelve is not 10.  Only 10 is 10.  And, in case you’re wondering, two of the same item still counts as two, not one.

2. Thou shalt have your cards ready – Before you enter the store, or at least when your groceries are being checked through, locate the card you wish to pay with.  Nothing is more frustrating than seeing someone dig through a wallet or bag searching for an elusive debit, credit or worse, points card, while a lineup of shoppers fumes behind them.  Have your payment card at the ready and if you can’t find your Air Miles or PC Points card, just leave it and vow to be more organized next time.  I actually stood in line once while a cashier let someone go out to their car to look for a points card.

3. Thou shalt not force price checks – I get it. There’s nothing worse than picking up ten frozen pizzas because you think they’re $2.99, only to see them clock in at $5.99 but that doesn’t mean you can hold up the entire line to prove a point.  If the deal was advertised in the flyer, show it to the cashier.  If you thought you saw a sign, and there aren’t too many others in line, have them check.  But holding up five other shoppers because you’re convinced the margarine was $.10 off when you have no evidence to back it up, is not cool.

4. Thou shalt prequalify your coupons – So you’ve seen Extreme Couponing and you want to get in on the action.  Fine, frugality is good.  But, as a fellow couponer, I can tell you that Canadian coupons are much more restrictive than their U.S. counterparts and your efforts to save money will often be stymied by expiration dates, quantity limits and pairing restrictions.  Coupons are great but before you dig through your purse for that that crumpled scrap entitling you to $.50 off cheese strings, read the fine print.

5. Thou shalt try to pack your groceries quickly – Now that we pay for plastic bags and stores no longer pay teenagers to bag our purchases, many of us have to cram our fish fingers and milk into a mish-mash of reusuable bags, bins and backpacks.  Understandably, this takes time but there’s no need to be a perfectionist about it.  Finish the job as quickly as possible and move on so that the next customer can use the conveyor belt. 

6. Thou shalt not alleviate boredom by talking into your cell phone – I know checkout lines are boring but that’s what the National Enquirer is for.  If three-headed dogs aren’t your thing, browse the news on your smart phone but refrain from long, annoying conversations.  Remember that the people sharing the line with you are trapped and can’t get away from your inane conversation. If you can’t resist, at least hang up when it’s time to pay.  Trying to fish a credit card out of your wallet while simultaneously bending your head to keep your phone from falling, all while having a conversation, is not only time-consuming, it’s disrespectful.  

7. Thou shalt behave if you’re allowed to go ahead – Once in a while, you will find yourself behind someone with a bulging cart when you only have two things.  Depending on their mood, time constraints and level of awareness, they may let you go in front of them.  They may not and that’s their prerogative.  If they do let you go ahead, you must not hold them up in any way.  That means no questions, no price checks, no haggling over price.

8. Thou shalt not chit-chat – This is not really an issue in a large city where most transactions are anonymous and the chances that you know a cashier personally are minimal.  However, in the small town where I grew up, it’s not uncommon to wait in a checkout line while the customer in front of you chats with the cashier, getting caught up on everything from her mother’s hip replacement to the upcoming Rotary BBQ at the arena.  I know this is lovely and we all need to smell the roses, etc. but when people are waiting in line, it’s best to keep social chat for social events.

Is there anything you would like to add to the checkout line commandments?  I would love it if I could get two more to make an even ten. 

Life is better when you know what to expect

Twenty years ago, I landed an amazing job at Canada’s largest public school board.  Reporting to a fabulous communications director, my role was to help our 200 schools better communicate with parents and the school community.   Two weeks in, my boss asked me to meet with one of our elementary school principals to chat about public relations tactics.  It was my first opportunity to actually counsel someone.  I was nervous but I prepared copious notes and took comfort in the knowledge that an informal discussion would be a trial run for more structured presentations in the future. 

When I arrived at the school and told the secretary I was from the communications department, she immediately picked up the microphone for the school’s PA system and announced “Will all staff please report to the lounge for the public relations presentation”.  

My heart started to race when I heard the word ‘presentation’.  I didn’t have a presentation.  I didn't even have handouts.  I wasn’t prepared to impress anyone.  It was supposed to be just a chat, a CHAT! Panicked, I weighed the options available to me.  I could race back to the parking lot, get in my car and flee.  Sure, I’d probably get fired, but I wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of being unprepared for a presentation.  I could pretend that I’d fallen ill and the meeting would have to be postponed to a later date.  This wasn’t totally inconceivable given that I already felt sick to my stomach.  In the end, I stayed, plastered a smile on my face, thanked everyone for giving up their lunch to listen to me and spoke with minimal authority from the notes I had written for what was supposed to be an informal chat between two people.  It wasn’t my finest hour but I learned a valuable lesson that served me well for the rest of my career – always confirm what is expected of you in any business meeting.

Being clear about your expectations is a vital part of business etiquette.  The purpose of etiquette is to enhance the comfort of the people around you and what’s more uncomfortable than arriving at a meeting, only to find that you’re in a pink sundress and everyone else is wearing a navy blue suit.  If you’re hosting a meeting, whether it’s a conference, social gathering, new business presentation or staff BBQ, it’s your role to tell people what they can expect and what is expected of them.  Here are some tips to help you:

Be crystal-clear about dress code – Let people know how you’ll be dressed or what is expected and refrain from using ambiguous terms like smart-casual or relaxed black-tie.  Rather than fall back on confusing terminology, I usually try to spell it out in a way that leaves no room for interpretation (e.g. Our office has casual Fridays so we’ll be wearing golf shirts and khakis to the meeting and you can feel free to do the same).

Set them up for success – If someone will have a speaking role at the meeting, explain the parameters.  Let them know that you’re looking forward to hearing their presentation, that you’ve allotted 20 minutes and that you will have an LCD display ready for them.  Let them know who else will be in the meeting, who else is presenting and who, if anyone will introduce them. 

Have an agenda – If possible, distribute the agenda by e-mail before the actual meeting but at the very least, distribute it at the start.  That way, if someone has come unprepared, they’ll at least have a few minutes to collect themselves, and their thoughts.

Establish meeting rules – If the meeting starts at 4 p.m. and you have a hard stop at 5 p.m., let everyone know they should stick to their allotted time to ensure everyone has a chance to speak.  If you are chairing the meeting (and every meeting needs a chair), keep everyone on track.

Manage technology – Most people are not so important that they can’t go one hour without responding to e-mails but I regularly see people tapping away while others are talking.  If you’re the meeting host, let people know ahead of time what your expectations are regarding smart phones and IPads.  If the meeting is two hours or longer, tell them you’ll have a 5-minute break during which, they can check e-mails but you’re looking forward to receiving their full attention when the meeting is in session. (Note: as a former agency person, I realize you can’t say this to clients who check their emails while you’re pitching your little heart out).   

Share follow-up plans – If there are follow-up items, share the process with meeting attendees.  Let them know when they can expect to hear back from you and, if a decision is to be made (as in the case of an RFP), tell them how much time you will need to make it.