New Year's Resolutions for a more polite 2013

I like New Year's Resolutions.  My head knows they are doomed to fail but my heart wants to believe that this will be the year I finally see them through to December.  My resolutions usually involve the words "more" or "less" - more excercising, less cheese, more green tea, less coffee, more loving thoughts, less quick judgments.  

I never stick to these resolutions because even though I want the physical results of more exercise and less indulgence, I like the instant gratification of margaritas and Oreos more, plain and simple.  This year, I decided to liberate myself from resolutions I can't and won't keep and focus my goals on etiquette, something I care about and something I can always improve without any major sacrifices.

1. Don't judge people by their affiliations - I will refrain from categorizing people into groups - new age flake, union member, environmental quack, left-wing nutcase, right-wing nutcase, working parent, stay-at-home mom, etc. I will remember that everyone is an individual, no one is defined purely by their situation and everyone has something to offer.

2. Listen more than you talk - Hearing is not listening.  No matter how bored I am, I will resist the urge to interrupt someone just so I don't have to listen to them anymore. When people are talking, I will listen rather than spend my time formulating what I am going to say next. If I need to extricate myself from a conversation, I will let them finish and then politely excuse myself and run to the bar.

3. Learn to say no - When someone asks me to do something I definitely don't want to do and will only regret (and kvetch about) later (e.g. chair their fundraising committee, buy their raffle tickets, organize their bridal shower), I will firmly and politely decline immediately without guilt, ambiguity or remorse and I will try not to give it a second thought or wonder what they think of me.

4. Give people the benefit of the doubt - Have you ever decided someone was horrible the first time you met them?  What if that was the worst day of their whole life and they are actually awesome?  If everyone in my life had met me on the crappiest day of my life, I would have no friends. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but only once or twice :)

5. Don't put mean things in writing - As delicious as it is to gossip or complain about people via email, text or Blackberry messenger, I vow to keep my more salacious comments to an in-person discussion.  Before wielding my electronic sword, I will contemplate how I would feel if it ended up on the Internet.  I could just vow to never say anything unkind ever again but, as I said, I am no longer making resolutions I can't keep.

6. Doublecheck the recipient of every electronic communication before sending - see Resolution #5.

7. Don't ruin a polite gesture with indignation - The next time I hold the door for someone and they breeze right through without a word, I will not yell, "You're welcome!" in a loud, snarky voice.  After all, I held the door open to be kind, not to be rewarded.  But while we're on the topic, would it kill you to say thank you?

8. Keep the Sharpie sheathed - The next time I pass a sign with an egregious grammatical error, I will not pull out my Sharpie and correct it.  Even though I consider it a helpful public service, I have been told by others it is tantamount to vandalism.

9. Help the hapless - When people have loud cell phone conversations in places from which I cannot escape (elevators, buses, cashier lines), I will "help" them become better citizens by pointing out their rudeness in the hopes of saving someone else in the future. I will do this in a kind and educational way, even if they respond to me with profanity, as is so often the case.

And finally, all joking aside, and perhaps the only resolution that matters...

10. Never resist the opportunity to be kind - All day, I'm presented with opportunities to practice random acts of kindness and for some reason, I don't follow through on many of them. I don't move fast enough to hold the elevator door open.  I want to complement someone on their outfit but I am shy and not sure how they will take it.  The person behind me in the grocery store checkout only has one item yet I don't offer to let them go ahead because I don't feel like it.  In 2013, most of all, I want kindness, in all its forms, to be the driving force for all of my actions.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me

I have a special place in my heart for outdoor ice rinks.   In the small Ontario town where I grew up, the local skating rink was a meeting place for tweens and teens from early November right through to March.  With no smartphones or computers, limited use of a landline and few channels on the TV, it just didn't make sense to stay inside when the thrill of outdoor fun was a short drive away.  We were dropped off by parents who knew we would be safe, with just enough money to buy a hot chocolate.  It was where we connected, hung out, gossiped, flirted and, although we didn't realize it, stayed fit and avoided obesity.

The rink of my youth is no longer there.  Warmer winters and fluctuating temperatures make it near impossible to keep a natural rink frozen these days. But an artificial rink has taken its place and with the same rural setting of birches and pines, it looks almost authentic. It's managed by the town and, to make it fair for everyone, hockey players alternate with family skaters every other day.  I took my kids skating there on Christmas Eve, which was designated as a family skating day.

We arrived at the rink to a hockey game in full swing.  Disgruntled parents told me that the hockey players - all teenage boys - had been asked to leave but had refused.  A few adults and older kids were braving it out on the small patch of the ice surface that wasn't absorbed by the hockey game but many families stood on the sidelines, unwilling to risk the wrath of flying pucks. 

After an enthusiastic goalie collided with a young girl, tensions came to a head and a profanity-laced shouting match ensued.  As a visitor from "the big city", I glided into the heart of the hockey game, reminded them that it wasn't a hockey day and asked them to leave.  The biggest of the players, a hulking boy of about 17, looked at me and said, "We just want a little respect". 

I was momentarily stunned as this response was the last thing I expected.  I calmly explained that they weren't respecting the rules of the rink.  He said that they knew this but they still expected to be treated with respect and didn't appreciate being yelled or sworn at and if the families had shown them respect they would have left earlier.  At this, a few of the other hockey players gathered around echoing their leader's sentiments that they are good kids who just wanted a little respect.

My inside voice said, "You don't deserve respect and you certainly haven't earned it," but, in the interest of the end goal and unwilling to appear like an old codger, I smiled sweetly and said, "Well I am asking you respectfully to leave now."  It worked. They packed up and went on their way.

Teenagers behaving badly is nothing new.  Pushing boundaries, breaking the rules, being self-absorbed is part of the teenage DNA and I was the same when I was that age.  The difference is, my friends and I never expected respect and we certainly didn't expect it when we were acting like jerks. We didn't get any respect but we really didn't care.  We had no notion that it was our entitlement and we seemed to get along just fine without it.  Then again, we weren't exposed to reality shows where spoiled, self-absorbed people are celebrated for embarrassing themselves.

30 years later, I still cling to an old-fashioned notion that respect must be earned but I think it dates me.  I asked a 20-something friend about this and he said respect doesn't need to be earned and everyone is worthy of respect until they demonstrate that they don't deserve it, a kind of 'innocent until proven guilty' approach.  This seemed very tolerant and inclusive and characteristic of the millennials but it was hazy to me.

What do you think?  Is it time to shelf the old 'respect should be earned' mantra?

Etiquette for parents, non-parents and would-be parents

I lucked out when I became a parent.  I had my kids at the same time many of my friends were having theirs and while this made those early years a lot more fun, it also spared me (and them) from the social minefield that sometimes occurs within a group of friends when one becomes a parent and "breaks up the band".

I always wanted to be a mother and knew that it would happen eventually so I enjoyed several years of career development, travel, sleep, dating and partying safe in the knowledge that one day I would be ready to put aside my dancing shoes for something different, something with staying power.

During these years, colleagues would have babies and bring them into the office for viewing and while I'd ooh and aah along with everyone else, I was in such a different head space that much of it seemed obligatory and after ten minutes or so, I'd wonder back to my office to think about the weekend's plans.

These days my weeknights and weekends tend to revolve around my kids - helping them with homework, going to the dollar store for project supplies, attending birthday parties and ferrying them to swimming, karate, soccer and other activities.  When I do go out with girlfriends, it's usually a quick lunch squeezed in between our respective appointments and we seem to talk mostly about parenting.  It's not that we're incapable of more sophisticated conversation; it's just that we're at a stage in life where parenting is important and all-encompassing and that's where the discussion usually gravitates.  There is an unspoken assumption that we will eventually move out of this stage and resume our life of partying, albeit aboard a seniors river cruise.

Not all my friends have children.  I have some friends who have chosen not to have children and others who would like to become parents but haven't been successful so far.  Finding conversation that works for everyone is a bit of a delicate balance.  For example, several years ago, I spent an afternoon with four old friends.  At the time, four of us had babies and one was happily child-free.  The parents were swapping war stories of sleepless nights and endless exhaustion and after a while our childless friend snapped, "If having children is so unpleasant, why did you even bother?" A chill set over the conversation before I gently explained that what may seem like complaining was really a way of bonding and coping with the challenges of new motherhood.  Her question was rude but she had a point and we hadn't realized we had been excluding her.

I can chat endlessly about my children with friends who have kids the same age and they are usually happy to indulge me because they are experiencing many of the same issues and have the same concerns and they're thankful to share ideas and solutions.  However, when I get together with friends whose kids are much older than mine, we don't spend much time on parenting.  They have already passed through the stages I am experiencing and they are dealing with other challenges like missing a child who has gone off to university. We politely ask after each other's offspring and either reminisce about past years or look forward to future years and then move on.

I'm sure my tales of getting an eight-year-old to do his homework are boring and tedious to my friends who have chosen to remain childless and likewise, I often can't relate to their stories and how they fill their time but that doesn't mean I don't ask.  When friends connect, I think it's prudent to at least ask for an update on the people and things that are precious to them, whether that's children, pets or their latest dance club exploits before moving on to mutually interesting topics.

It's also good to remember that prattling on about kids can be difficult for friends who want to be parents but for whom it hasn't happened yet. When I was expecting my second child, a friend who had been trying to have a baby for several years told me that she found it hard to spend time with me.  I wasn't offended.  I appreciated her honesty and felt sadness that something that came so easy to me was frustrating, even heartbreaking for her.  I respected her position and while I don't assume all women who are trying to conceive feel the same way, it has made me more cognizant of how I talk to people who are going through this.

Photos are another touchy subject.  Although we've never actually set official guidelines, my close circle of parent friends don't inundate each other with photos capturing our children's every stage.  We slip them in holiday cards and very occasionally email a proud moment but we don't pull out photo albums during dinner.  We love each other and, by extension, we love each others kids but the truth is most parents are just as bored as non-parents with oversharing.

I'll close this post with a plea for non-judgement.  We live in a culture that currently celebrates babies and motherhood, where celebrities grace magazine covers just for getting pregnant and the baby products industry is worth $30 billion.  With all this, it's easy to assume that parenthood is the only route to happiness for women and that's just ridiculous.  There are countless ways to have a rich, rewarding, full life and having children is just one of them.  If you have friends who have chosen not to reproduce, respect their choices and don't presume that your life is more meaningful than theirs. Likewise, I expect my childless friends to respect my choices and to accept that, while I love catching up with them, my schedule is not as flexible and I'm more inclined to go home after dinner than to continue the night elsewhere.

Teaching your kids manners when the adults are behaving badly

As any parent can tell you, it's hard to teach manners to kids.  Getting your kids to say 'Please' and 'Thank you' and 'Nice to meet you' without constant prompting requires Herculean effort on a daily basis for years before it finally becomes second nature to them.  And it's near impossible to reinforce the need for manners when popular kids programs feature characters who talk down to the adults in their lives (if there are any around) and get lots of canned laughter for rude behaviour and impertinent remarks.

But what about when it's the adults that are behaving poorly?  How do you deal with an eight-year-old who asks, "Why do I have to take off my hat at the table when (insert loutish adult here) doesn't have to and he's an adult?"

At a recent Thanksgiving dinner with my spouse's large extended family, two of the adults brought their smartphones to the dinner table.  Both are parents.  One tapped quietly, checking emails and texts and ignoring the conversation around her.  The other played a loud video on her device and passed it around for everyone to enjoy.

The device made its way down the table, being passed from person to person along with the creamed corn and the gravy.  As it approached me, I wondered how I would deal with it.  We have a strict 'No smartphones at the dinner table' rule in my house.  My kids don't have their own phones yet so the rule is both a reminder for their father and me in the present and a preemptive strike for my kids in the future. So, face-to-face with something I had sworn to my kids was 'rude', I ran through my options:

• Take the phone, glance at the screen, smile weakly to safe face, and pass it on? (safe but wimpy)
• Get up from the table and pretend to go to the restroom just as it was about to be passed to me? (safe but cowardly)
• Go on a rant about how nothing is sacred anymore and the ancient Mayans were right when they suggested the world should end in 2012 (confronting rudeness with more rudeness)
• Get over myself, join the fun, laugh at the video and be a good sport (and lose this teaching moment?)

In the end, I mashed all the options together and said, "I'm going to pass because we don't allow phones at our dinner table and if the kids see me with this, they'll use it against me."

I got a few eye rolls from my dinner companions but that's to be expected.  They have already branded me as weird for my insistence that they don't post photos of my kids on Facebook.  But I was slightly concerned that I had hurt the feelings of the smartphone owner.  After all, while she has a different set of etiquette rules than me, she genuinely thought she was providing entertainment value with her Youtube offering.  I glanced  glance down the table to see her reaction but I need not have worried.  She was busy looking at photos on the other phone that was at the table and hadn't even noticed.  Such is the short attention span associated with anything electronic nowadays.

In case you're wondering, the video featured a dancing vegetable...

Are you guilty of Death by PowerPoint?

I created the ghastly image above in exactly four minutes using the full range of PowerPoint's handy-dandy text, image and design options.  It's an extreme example to be sure but will not be completely foreign to anyone who has worked in an office environment in the past decade.

You may already be familiar with the phrase, Death by PowerPoint, and while there have been no confirmed cases of people who have actually expired while enduring a PowerPoint presentation, workplaces across the universe are rife with stories of people who metaphorically died, or at the very least, stated that they would rather die, than sit through yet another boring slide show. Not surprising when you consider that 30 million slide-driven presentations are delivered every day.

Toronto communicator Eric Bergman tackles the PowerPoint epidemic, its most common symptoms and potential cures, in his new book, 5 Steps to Conquer Death by PowerPoint.  The book chronicles PowerPoint's journey from shiny new software to boardroom staple, examines the underlying assumptions and misconceptions that force us to choose bullets over conversations, and provides guidelines for breaking free of our addiction.  More importantly, Eric goes back to the communications principles behind sharing data of any kind and reminds us that, before assembling any presentation, we need to be mindful of the needs and wants of our audience.  He even includes a downloadable Audience Manifesto that you can give to the next presenter you hire.

I am not a huge fan of PowerPoint but I can't say I hate it either.  I am not a natural presenter and in my experience, there are very few people who are capable of taking the stage and delivering information in a way that is informative, passionate, and captivating all on their own.  I approach public speaking with hours of preparation, weeks of rehearsal and tons of butterflies flitting around in my stomach.  Other people have the confidence to "wing it" but even then, only a few of them can truly pull it off and many of them are just confusing the desire to speak about themselves with the ability to inspire an audience.

When I present to a large group, I like the security of a few slides behind me.  They serve as an anchor to calm my nerves and prevent me from rambling or going over my allotted time.  So, for those of us who perform better with slides as a backdrop, Eric's five-step process helps ensures they augment our words rather than detracting from them.  The five steps are:

1. Put your audience first - Focus on two-way symmetrical communications where both the presenter and the audience have their needs met and there is equality between the information being shared and the questions and feedback from the receivers.
2. Structure the conversation - The spoken word thrives in an environment of storytelling even when you're imparting complicated information
3. Minimize visual aids - Question the value of each and every slide and only include visual aids if they supplement your story.  If possible, use flip charts, props or audience participation to bring things to life.
4. Convey your message and your personality - Every presentation needs a message and a call to action but no one will accept it if you are not personally believable.  Relaxed conversation is your best presentation style.
5. Answer questions throughout - Telling people you'll try to make time for questions at the end suggests they are not important.  If you have 20 minutes to present, plan a 10 minute presentation and make conversation a priority.

I liked Eric's inclusion of scientific research on how adults learn, the impact of body language and how we receive and process information.  Rookie and seasoned presenters alike will appreciate his Basic Presentation Framework which I'll be using to structure my next presentation.

In closing I'll admit that I would challenge Eric's assumption that we choose PowerPoint without thinking and just accept that it's the standard way of delivering information.  This may be the case for some users but most communicators I know agonize about whether slide-based presentations are necessary or useful and regularly question their value.  When I was running a PR agency, we often suggested to clients that we present without slides only to have them insist upon a formal presentation complete with paper copies they could scribble notes on.  Some of them urged us to put as much detail as possible on every slide so they could meet at a later date to review them on their own.

As all agency people know, getting clients to embrace modern approaches to communications is not just a matter of education.  Sometimes you just have to wait for them to come around.  But now I'm thinking that sending them Eric's book as a gift might not be a bad idea.  Thoughts?

Life is better when you know what to expect

Twenty years ago, I landed an amazing job at Canada’s largest public school board.  Reporting to a fabulous communications director, my role was to help our 200 schools better communicate with parents and the school community.   Two weeks in, my boss asked me to meet with one of our elementary school principals to chat about public relations tactics.  It was my first opportunity to actually counsel someone.  I was nervous but I prepared copious notes and took comfort in the knowledge that an informal discussion would be a trial run for more structured presentations in the future. 

When I arrived at the school and told the secretary I was from the communications department, she immediately picked up the microphone for the school’s PA system and announced “Will all staff please report to the lounge for the public relations presentation”.  

My heart started to race when I heard the word ‘presentation’.  I didn’t have a presentation.  I didn't even have handouts.  I wasn’t prepared to impress anyone.  It was supposed to be just a chat, a CHAT! Panicked, I weighed the options available to me.  I could race back to the parking lot, get in my car and flee.  Sure, I’d probably get fired, but I wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of being unprepared for a presentation.  I could pretend that I’d fallen ill and the meeting would have to be postponed to a later date.  This wasn’t totally inconceivable given that I already felt sick to my stomach.  In the end, I stayed, plastered a smile on my face, thanked everyone for giving up their lunch to listen to me and spoke with minimal authority from the notes I had written for what was supposed to be an informal chat between two people.  It wasn’t my finest hour but I learned a valuable lesson that served me well for the rest of my career – always confirm what is expected of you in any business meeting.

Being clear about your expectations is a vital part of business etiquette.  The purpose of etiquette is to enhance the comfort of the people around you and what’s more uncomfortable than arriving at a meeting, only to find that you’re in a pink sundress and everyone else is wearing a navy blue suit.  If you’re hosting a meeting, whether it’s a conference, social gathering, new business presentation or staff BBQ, it’s your role to tell people what they can expect and what is expected of them.  Here are some tips to help you:

Be crystal-clear about dress code – Let people know how you’ll be dressed or what is expected and refrain from using ambiguous terms like smart-casual or relaxed black-tie.  Rather than fall back on confusing terminology, I usually try to spell it out in a way that leaves no room for interpretation (e.g. Our office has casual Fridays so we’ll be wearing golf shirts and khakis to the meeting and you can feel free to do the same).

Set them up for success – If someone will have a speaking role at the meeting, explain the parameters.  Let them know that you’re looking forward to hearing their presentation, that you’ve allotted 20 minutes and that you will have an LCD display ready for them.  Let them know who else will be in the meeting, who else is presenting and who, if anyone will introduce them. 

Have an agenda – If possible, distribute the agenda by e-mail before the actual meeting but at the very least, distribute it at the start.  That way, if someone has come unprepared, they’ll at least have a few minutes to collect themselves, and their thoughts.

Establish meeting rules – If the meeting starts at 4 p.m. and you have a hard stop at 5 p.m., let everyone know they should stick to their allotted time to ensure everyone has a chance to speak.  If you are chairing the meeting (and every meeting needs a chair), keep everyone on track.

Manage technology – Most people are not so important that they can’t go one hour without responding to e-mails but I regularly see people tapping away while others are talking.  If you’re the meeting host, let people know ahead of time what your expectations are regarding smart phones and IPads.  If the meeting is two hours or longer, tell them you’ll have a 5-minute break during which, they can check e-mails but you’re looking forward to receiving their full attention when the meeting is in session. (Note: as a former agency person, I realize you can’t say this to clients who check their emails while you’re pitching your little heart out).   

Share follow-up plans – If there are follow-up items, share the process with meeting attendees.  Let them know when they can expect to hear back from you and, if a decision is to be made (as in the case of an RFP), tell them how much time you will need to make it.

10 Not-So-Obvious Items for Your Event Bag

If you plan and manage special events, you have an event bag.  The bag (usually an old briefcase or gym bag) contains extra items that might come in handy for any event, on top of all the supplies you are already packing.  So while you will already have pens for the registration desk, your event bag will contain an extra box of pens for when the ones you have go missing, which they will.  A well-stocked event bag usually contains typical office equipment such as scissors, a stapler, Sharpies, name tag holders, string, tape (of the duct, masking and double-sided variety), thumb tacks, pushpins, paper, USB sticks, and the like.

The event bag needs to be checked and inventoried before each event and in a perfect world, it would be restocked immediately after every event but, as any event planner will tell you, restocking the bag is usually the last thing anyone wants to do in the exhausted hours immediately following an event so it gets tossed into a corner where it remains until it's opened hours before the next event.

If you regularly plan events you know all the staples you need for your kit but there are many more, not-so-obvious items you may want to include.  Following is my list of the top ten must-haves for your event bag, based on two decades of managing (mostly) successful events.

1. Plastic ties (see photo above) - At every event, there is something that needs to be secured, fastened or otherwise jury-rigged onto a pole.  When that happens, nothing beats plastic industrial ties.  They adjust to any size and you can just snip off any extra length with scissors.

2. Eye drops - Spectacular events don't happen overnight.  A seamless execution is the result of months of careful planning and last minute changes.  It is very rare to get a good night's sleep before an event, usually because you are still at the venue hanging banners at midnight.  To ensure you look fresh and awake at event time, always carry different varieties of eye drops.

3. Adhesive bandages - All that last minute lifting, hanging, shoving, cleaning wreaks havoc on your fingers and minor cuts and scrapes are the inevitable result.  Having these on hand will prevent you from dripping blood onto your beautiful rented table-cloths.

4. Chargers - Of course your cell phone is dead.  You were up all night trying to find a florist who could deliver 1000 purple lilies by morning since the florist you already booked fell ill.  Your event kit should include every type of wall charger available for today's array of smart phones, cameras, music players, etc.

5. Flashlight - Have you ever crawled under a stage trying to figure out why your PowerPoint presentation isn't working or your exploding confetti gizmo has malfunctioned?  It's a lot easier when you can see where you're going.

6. Sewing kit - I have never staged an event in 20 years where we didn't need to pull out the sewing kit. Dropped hems, popped buttons and inappropriate cleavage present themselves in the moments before the lights go up.

7. Stain remover - It's hard not to spill coffee on your shirt when you're quaffing gulps between table setups. A dab of stain remover may not hide it entirely but it will at least diffuse it over a larger area so it fades. If you have a car, bring along an extra blazer as well.

8. Flat shoes - Every seasoned (female) event planner knows that you wear flat shoes during set-up and put on the heels when it's event time.  Nowadays you can buy ballet flats that role up into a ball and come with their own carrying case.

9. Snacks - It's time for the event and you realize you've been onsite since 6 a.m. and haven't had a thing to eat.  When there's no time to nibble (and there never is), you can hit up your event bag for granola bars, protein bars, chocolate, etc. If you're super organized, you can include a small cooler with cheese strings and other items.

10. OTC medicine - Don't let your great work be sidelined by migraines, indigestion or nausea.  A well-stocked event bag can double as a portable medicine chest.

Those are just a few of the not-so-obvious essentials I make sure to include.  What are some other surprising things you pack for events?

You're never too senior to carry boxes in PR

 Your first job promotion is a mixed blessing.  When you hear the news that you're moving up the ladder, you feel great.  You've proven yourself worthy of more responsibility, you have a more important-sounding title and hopefully, a pay increase. But the initial elation wears off when you realize that colleagues who were friends last week now report to you, HR has been added to your job description and you don't actually get to ditch all the things you disliked about your former role.  In fact, a promotion often means you will do your former job, as well as a new one.

In 20 years experiencing my own, often stumbling, movements through the management ranks and witnessing the behaviour of my own team members once they've been promoted, I've noticed one constant - delegation is not what it's cracked up to be.  In fact, it's much less fun than anyone ever imagines.

While a junior role requires you to draft a news release and submit it for review, your shiny new senior role has a lot more steps.  You have to receive the assignment from your manager, choose a team member to handle it, meet with them to discuss it, set expectations and deadlines, follow up if the deadline is looming and you haven't seen anything, review the draft, meet with the staff member to share your feedback and provide suggestions for improvement, set another deadline for the revised draft, and then go through the process all over again.  And when you do finally have a workable document, you must resist the urge to rewrite the whole thing and accept that just because it's not "the way you would do it" doesn't mean it isn't good quality.  

In a management role, even if you only have one direct report, this scenario repeats itself all day everyday and due to the frantic, often last-minute nature of public relations, many assignments don't have the luxury of time for training and mentorship so you do them yourself anyway and at events, you'll often find yourself carrying boxes, fetching water for speakers, tracking down A/V people and other tasks you thought you had left behind when you were promoted. No such luck.

When I finally became a vice president at a PR agency, I thought, "This is it.  I've arrived.  No more schlepping boxes for me."  Only, it didn't work out that way.  While there was certainly a delineation between my role, the most junior person in the office, and everyone in between, I still found myself carrying boxes of press kits, straightening signage, picking up lunch for demanding celebrity spokespersons and, on one occasion, doing a midnight Wal-Mart run because, after setting up for an early morning event, a client was unsatisfied with the particular shade of purple on the tablecloths. I could have delegated the task but I was the only person who owned a car, I lived closest to the store and my staff, who had been on their feet for 18 hours, were exhausted.  It was not the time for a power play.

When I kvetched about this to a mentor of mine who is president of a large global agency based in Atlanta, he said, "You have to realize that, in PR, no matter how high up the chain you are, you will never stop carrying boxes."  While I was immediately gratified to find out I wasn't alone, I was distressed to realize that if even he was admitting this, then it must be true.

He went on to explain that while everyone in an agency has a different role and each step involves the shedding of old duties and the responsibility for new ones, everyone on a team is responsible for the final product whether it's a perfectly executed communications plan, a spectacular launch event or successfully shepherding the organization through a crisis.  He also reminded me that event management is a big part of PR agency life and no matter how far ahead you plan and how many times you confirm the details, things will go wrong.  Speakers cancel, planes are delayed, product is stopped at the border, A/V systems malfunction, taxi drivers get lost, flowers wilt, employees get ill, there aren't enough coat hangers, client approval is late, and so on.  But the show must go on and at that point, it's all hands on deck to make it happen. While someone has to take charge and direct traffic, there's no reason that person can't also carry boxes, if that's what's required to make it happen.  

In his book, The 48 Laws of Power, which I recommend as a fascinating insight into how people operate, author Robert Greene suggests that to attain true power, you must "Keep Your Hands Clean" and avoid doing the dirty work.  He would suggest that, at a big business event, the true leader arrives at the last minute looking fresh and professional wearing a clean suit and carrying nothing.  This will set him or her apart from the "workers" who have only a few minutes to wipe the dust off their clothes, throw on their event shoes, slick on some lip gloss and squirt Visine into tired eyes before the lights go up.  

I'm sure Greene would disagree with my mentor's assertion that you'll always carry boxes in PR, at least in the sense of establishing your credibility as a powerful leader.  Others leadership gurus would say you need to roll up your sleeves to gain the support of your team. 

What do you think about carrying boxes?  Good or bad leadership strategy?

Why We Need An Undo-Send Button

I'm old enough to remember when there was no e-mail and I have no doubt that it has revolutionized the way we do business and coupled with smart phones, it enables us to work from any place at any time. This is good if you'd rather handle correspondence from your Muskoka dock, but bad if you're expected to respond to e-mails during your daughter's dance recital.

But e-mail's greatest benefit - quick and easy communication - is also its biggest downfall because it doesn't account for the limitations of the human brain. While some of us can manage multiple tasks at once, research has shown that none of us do it well, and with the same kind of attention to detail we would apply to single tasks. And with many people juggling multiple email accounts, Twitter handles, Facebook pages and Blackberry messenger contacts, it's inevitable that eventually, a mistake will be made and the wrong message will be sent to the wrong person. If you have done this, you know that it creates an extremely uncomfortable situation, for both the sender and the recipient.

I had my own e-mail mishap several years ago. A situation had been annoying me for a while and rather than dealing with it in a mature and forthright way, I chose to kvetch to someone else by e-mail, only I accidentally sent it to the subject of my aggravation. While the message was more factual than gossippy it was still derogatory and was the kind of content that belonged in a private conversation, not an electronic missive. I realized my gaffe about a nanosecond after I hit Send and the ensuing physical reaction was quite remarkable. Within two minutes, my heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, a hive-like crimson flush was breaking out across my face and an unprintable string of profanity was coming out of my mouth. I believe it was the modern-day equivalent of the fight or flight response our neanderthal ancestors experienced when confronted by a hungry sabre-tooth tiger. Our bodies send out a shot of adrenaline to help us deal with a perceived danger but while the caveman used the adrenaline to hurl a spear at the tiger or high-tail it out of there, my adrenaline just collected and pooled in the pit of my stomach until I felt quite sick.

In my panic, I immediately sent a quickly-crafted apology email which acknowledged my guilt but didn't do anything to repair the damage or address the underlying issues. At the time, I had just finished reading The FourAgreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you haven't read this book, I recommend it. It's a quick, light read and helps you put life's ups and downs in perspective. In short, the four agreements are 1. Be impeccable with your word, 2. Don't take anything personally, 3. Don't make assumptions and 4. Always do your best.

Since the text was fresh in my mind, I decided to apply it to the matter at hand. Obviously I had failed miserably at Agreement #1 as I had used my words carelessly but I was determined to rectify the situation in a more appropriate way. Ruiz spends almost an entire chapter on apologies and the fact that humans are the only species who relive a mistake over and over. His advice, (which is infinitely easier said than done) is to apologize quickly and sincerely and then let it go. The rest is up to the other person. So, tail between my legs, I went to see the recipient of my misfired e-mail and apologized, in person. While she accepted my apology with grace, it took a while for us to rebuild our relationship and it actually took a similar mistake on her part for it to return to normal, our mutual errors having cancelled each other out to the point that neither existed anymore and the air was finally cleared.

There are many lessons here - address issues before they get out of hand, don't use e-mail to deliver sensitive information, always double-check the To and CC boxes before you send but in my experience, most people only make a mistake like this once. The experience is too traumatic to be repeated.

Do you need to go on an information diet?

Do you use your smart phone as an alarm clock and then immediately start checking e-mails?

If so, you might want to think about embarking on an information diet. Clay Johnson, the man behind Barack Obama’s social media strategy, shared highlights from his book, The Information Diet, at this year’s MESH conference

According to Johnson, when we search on the Internet, we are often looking for validation of our existing opinions rather than information that will help us become informed. We already have our biases and so if we want the details of a specific news story, we tend to search the websites of the media outlets which most conform to our own point of view, whether that’s TMZ, Fox News or the Toronto Star. If we are annoyed with our spouse, worried about our kids or concerned about our appearance, we search for others who are experiencing the same things and who react the same way, rather than seeking out different opinions.

Johnson believes many North Americans are over-consuming useless information because it’s readily available. To prove his point, he asked the audience to name Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband. Many people yelled out the answer. He then asked if anyone knew the child poverty rate in Toronto and the room went silent.

In his book, The Information Diet, Johnson recommends we take the following steps to trim our information waistline:

1. Become a conscious consumer of information – Every time you visit a website, ask yourself if it’s vital to what you are trying to achieve in life. Rather than mindlessly consuming information all day, schedule time for different types of Internet use.

2. Seek whole news – Johnson says the life cycle of an event starts as actual truth, becomes reworded truth, turns into processed truth, is reported in the media and ends up on TV, where it’s furthest from the truth. While it’s not always possible to find out the truth, get information from multiple news sources and points of view.

3. Be a producer more than a consumer – If you check emails and news sites before breakfast, you’re starting your day as a consumer of other people’s thoughts and opinions. Try to start your day as a producer of your own content, through your blog, Twitter stream or website. Johnson recommends writing 500 words before 8 a.m.

4. Subtract junk from your daily intake – Remember that your clicks have consequences and, because the Internet stores information about you, your reading patterns affect everyone in your demographic. Remember that the next time you stop by Perez Hilton.

5. Content is not a commodity – Until we are comfortable with the concept of paying for filtered, fact-checked, responsible content, we will continue to be spoon-fed a steady diet of misinformation.

6,000 people have already taken the pledge to go on an information diet. To learn more, visitwww.informationdiet.com

---

5 Lessons I've Learned About Freelancing So Far

Snazzy new logo? Check.  Website? Check.  Solid business plan? Well, sort of.

Just over six months ago, I started a freelance communications business.  With two decades of industry experience under my belt, including 7 years owning an agency, I was ready to truly work on my own.  When I shared my plans to go solo with acquaintances, the response ran the gamut from, “You’ll be surprised how hard it is to make a go of it” to “They’ll be lining up to pay for your services as soon as you hang out a shingle”.  The advice was well-intentioned but not particularly helpful as the people who provided it were speaking from their personal experiences which were informed by the economic environment in which their own freelance endeavours had flourished or floundered.   

I didn’t prepare a formal business plan when I started and it would have been a waste of time if I had because the ups and downs of these two quarters have helped me clarify the kind of work I truly enjoy, the emerging trends I need to focus on and the amount of hours I want to spend building my business and more importantly, my personal brand.  I also know that meaningful freelance work will always be a part of my life, even if I choose to become an employee or take a contract somewhere.

As I completed my own mid-year review, I challenged myself to write the five most valuable lessons I’ve learned so far.  Here they are:

1. Flex time isn’t free time – As a freelancer, you need to be hyper-vigilant about carving out, organizing and protecting your work time.  Sure, you can do your grocery shopping on a Wednesday morning but in order to meet client deadlines, you’ll probably spend a sunny Saturday afternoon holed up in front of your computer.  The ability to work when and where you want is a selling feature of the freelance life but if you’re easily distracted, it’s probably not the life for you.

2. Do what you do best – When you freelance, there is no workforce, team or department to share your mistakes, absorb your poor judgement or fix your mediocre work.  It’s just you and while it’s tempting to be a jack of all trades, you need to zero in on your strengths and build your business around them.  Work only with clients who are a good fit with your skills, approach and expertise and only accept assignments you know you can excel at.

3. Build your brand relentlessly - If a potential client Googles you, what will they find? If you’re a freelance communicator, their search should reveal a current website, a showcase of your content in the form of a blog or newsletter, a professional presence on Twitter and Linked In, examples of how you give back to the industry through volunteering or mentorship.  You need to make time to cultivate a professional reputation that goes beyond your paid work.

4. Network strategically – As a sole practitioner, you can spend your life in coffee meetings.  A few will yield paid work eventually.  Others will spark new friendships.  Some will frankly be a waste of time – time that could have been spent meeting deadlines, building your brand or learning something new.  Networking is imperative to your success but decide how many hours you will devote to it and be judicious about how you approach it.

5. Learn to say no – The word “no” is a freelancer's best friend so learn to use it and use it with conviction.  Say “no” to people who want you to work for free, family members who need you to pick up dry-cleaning, work that doesn’t fit your abilities, and endless, drawn-out RFP processes with minimal chance of success.  Learning how to effectively say “no” will enable you to say “yes” to more of the things that will make you happy.

Handling Awkward Situations With Class

In a truly cringe-worthy spectacle, back-from-obscurity talk show host Kathy Lee Gifford made a spectacular faux pas yesterday while interviewing Martin Short.  After pronouncing his marriage a showbiz success story, she asked him how many years he had been married and other lighthearted questions like how he keeps things romantic with his wife.

While it's true that Martin and his wife Nancy Dolman were married for 36 years, the sad truth is that she passed away from ovarian cancer in 2010.

There were many ways that Short could have handled this extremely awkward situation and no one would have judged him if he had become irate, but he chose to be a class act and show us all a thing or two about grace under pressure.  He answered her questions and moved on without correcting her.  Short is a seasoned professional who knows how to think on his feet and while I don't know what was going through his mind, he probably decided that informing the hapless Kathy Lee that his wife was dead on live TV would only make it worse for everyone.

After the segment, Kathy Lee apologized to Short on Twitter but I'm hoping she took the time to do it in person as well.  And, I'm sure there's a researcher at the Today Show who is dusting off his or her resume this morning.

On the other side of the spectrum, at an awards ceremony I attended last night, someone was called up to the stage to present an award.  When the MC handed her the microphone, she explained to him that he had pronounced her last name incorrectly and informed him of the correct pronunciation.  The MC was obviously uncomfortable and under the circumstances, the correction seemed unnecessary. It was a long night and it's unlikely that the paths of these two people will cross again.

While most of us will never have to deal with questions about a deceased spouse on live television, we could all learn from Martin Short on how to handle someone's gaffe with aplomb.

Should you disrupt your primary job function to be "nice"?

But I was just trying to be nice...

Last weekend, I left the cottage with my kids to return to Toronto for an afternoon engagement.  I had just enough time to get there with one coffee stop and one bathroom break. Yes,  I should have given myself more time but that's another story.

Feeling groggy and facing a three-hour car trip, I decided to pick up some coffee at a local coffee shop to steel myself for the trip. I won't name the coffee chain here but it is a huge chain with a great deal of Canadian share of heart and a long history in this country.  Some would characterize their coffee as uninspired but I like it.  It's mild and reliable and I know exactly how it will taste and that appeals to me. 

Mindful of my impending deadline, I checked the drive-thru line and since there were only two cars in it, I calculated I could complete my transaction in five minutes, seven if someone was ordering a sandwich.  I would have gone into the store but I was alone with my kids and wasn't in the mood for what would happen if they came face to face with the doughnut display case.

When I joined the drive-thru line, I was third.  One car was at the window already and another had just placed an order.  After ten minutes, the line hadn't budged and new cars had joined in behind me.  I assumed that perhaps the driver in the first car had ordered breakfast for several people and it was taking a while to microwave the eggs and sausage.  After 15 minutes,  there were eight cars behind me and I started to worry that something was wrong and the mechanism that signals waiting cars to the drive-through was malfunctioning.  So, jammed in a static line with no way out, I did something I almost never do.  I honked my horn, quickly and only once.  Seconds later, a furious voice came through the order speaker announcing that the staff of this particular coffee chain do not appreciate it when people in the drive-thru honk their horns and to stop it at once.

Soundly put in my place, I slunk down in my seat and waited my turn.  Finally the first car drove off, the second one was dealt with quickly and I sheepishly pulled up to the window.  If looks could kill, I wouldn't be here to write this post so, I smiled wanly at the clerk and explained hat I had honked my horn because I became frustrated with the delay and lack of communication.  She smiled back and said, "Oh, that's okay. The driver of the first car was going somewhere and asked us for directions.  Two of us were trying to help him get where he was going."

I was floored.  I know that she truly believed that by explaining that the holdup was due to their efforts to be nice, I would trade in my impatient attitude for a newly-acquired appreciation of their sense of community. Sadly, it had the opposite effect.  Although I didn't verbalize it, inside I was thinking, "I waited for 20 minutes so you could give someone driving directions?"  At this point, I just wanted to pay for my coffee and get out of there, which I did, after lifting the lid to make sure all looked normal.

I fumed all the way home and pondered why I was so upset about what was, at its base, a gesture of kindness.  It occurred to me that, in our paid work, whatever that might be, we all have things that are considered our primary function.  A plumber's primary function is to repair broken pipes, a coffee chain employee's primary function is to serve coffee and in my role as a freelance communicator, my primary function would be to communicate on behalf of my clients.  In the course of our day to day life, we also encounter requests for help or other interruptions, that do not coincide with the primary functions of our paid work but could be considered part of the primary function of our existence as human beings and citizens in a society.  But we can't respond to everything that is put in our path. We need to assess, consider the consequences and make decisions.  While most people would willingly arrive late at a meeting so they can help the victim of a car accident, it's probably not a good idea to make customers wait 20 minutes for coffee so you can tell someone how to get to a bed and breakfast.  In this case, there was an easy fix.  The coffee chain employee could simply have asked the driver to pull over, come into the store and wait until there was a lull in the customer traffic.  

Later on that day, I tweeted to the coffee chain that I had experienced a service disruption in one of their franchises.  They responded immediately and suggested I call their guest services line so that I might explain the situation in detail the next morning.  I did so, spoke with a wonderful woman who apologized profusely and promised to follow up with the store in question.  

Overall, I was pleased with the customer service response and I hung up the phone, relieved that, despite a small blip, I had been treated with respect and kindness and could continue to patronize my favourite coffee shop. 

How About Some RFP Etiquette?

So, did we win?

The Request for Proposal (RFP) is popular these days.  With shrinking budgets and increased pressure to demonstrate due diligence, more organizations are issuing RFPs to ensure they choose the right external partner, or at least create the perception of doing so.  When consultants choose to participate in an RFP process, they do so knowing that they may not win and even if they do, they will probably never recoup the hours of unpaid time they spent responding to the proposal.  When the search ends, there will be one winner and multiple losers but all candidates should be treated with respect, honesty and professionalism.  If organizations insist on using RFPs, I'd like to see them adopt these etiquette guidelines for issuing, managing and closing the process:

1. Be honest - I recently reviewed an RFP that painted a rosy picture of a company but a quick Google search revealed the organization was in a shambles. Why hide this?  No one can prepare a thorough, appropriate response if they don't have the necessary background and context.

2. Share your process - RFPs are a ton of work so help people decide if it's worth participating. Share your plans for decision-making - the deadline for proposal submission, what should be included, when the shortlist will be announced, what is involved in phase 2, when you will make your final decision and how you will inform participants.  If an incumbent has been invited to participate, be honest about that.  It's important.


3. Don't kick tires - Most of the research, writing and collation of RFPs is done after hours and on top of an existing work load.  Don't issue an RFP unless you have the budget and the intention of hiring an external partner. Nothing is more frustrating than putting hours of unpaid time into a proposal only to find out that you've decided to manage your campaign "in house".

4. Answer questions thoroughly - If candidates have questions for clarification, take the time to provide proper answers.  The best approach is to collect all of the questions and combine both questions and answers in one document.  One-word answers or responses like "whatever you think is best", "anything goes" or "wow us" are unacceptable.

5. Don't ask for ideas - It's unrealistic to expect anyone to provide creative, feasible ideas based on a couple of paragraphs in your RFP.  Phase 1 is about qualifying candidates, and looking for expertise, experience, case studies, references, etc.  If you narrow the pool to a shortlist, meet with them to provide the information they need to develop workable ideas. Better yet, wait until you've actually hired someone.


6. Remove the guessing game - If you have a budget (and you should if you're serious), share it, or at least include a range. If consultants have no idea what they're working with, it's impossible to provide the best case studies and references and brainstorm appropriate ideas.  


7. Avoid the revolving door - It's efficient to book several presentations on one day but try to hold them in a room with two doors or leave time between visits.  It's awkward for everyone when candidates meet each other in the hallway.

8. Practice proper follow-up - No one should ever find out they didn't win an RFP in AdNews.  Acknowledge receipt of all proposals and honour the dates in your initial process. If you are delayed for some reason, let people know when they can expect to hear from you again.  When you choose a winner, inform the unsuccessful parties before making any announcements.

9. Use only what you pay for - I recently participated in an RFP which stated that all submitted ideas, even from consultants who didn't win the business, would automatically become the property of the issuing company.  Why should they?  If you choose a partner and start to pay them, you can use their ideas but it's unethical to use creative ideas from an agency you didn't select.

10. Give feedback - If someone has spent hours of unpaid time responding to your RFP, they deserve more than a cursory dismissal.  Let unsuccessful candidates know where they fell short and provide candid feedback to help them with future proposals. If you have been honest and professional about your RFP process, you should have no problem articulating how you made your final decision and what they could have done better.

Is it better to be right or happy?

Almost 20 years ago, a new age aficionado I worked with loaned me a cassette tape she thought (hoped?) would "broaden my outlook on humanity".  The tape was a recording of a talk given by Christina Thomas, a teacher of A Course in Miracles, a self-study program of enlightenment.  I enjoyed it quite a bit but the one statement that struck me most was Thomas' assertion that, in life, you can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy. the notion of getting rid of resentment as the route to happiness features quite broadly in A Course in Miracles and the many self-help movements it has birthed.

At 24, I thought this was complete hogwash and didn't see any reason why I couldn't be both right and happy. I also believed that it was bad luck to buy lottery tickets because it would be an affirmation that I wouldn't make my own millions, but that's another story. I returned the tape with thanks and, although the phrase didn't really leave my conscience, I didn't give it much thought for years.

Fast forward to 2011.  It's a day before my birthday and I'm convinced my husband has forgotten about it and I will be disappointed when it turns out to be a non-event instead of a celebration.  When I mentioned this to a mutual friend, he asked why I didn't just remind my forgetful husband of my impending anniversary and I launched into a rant about the fact that it's one day out of the whole year, it's important to me so it should be important to him, I've dropped numerous passive-aggressive hints he couldn't possibly miss.  I went on and on with variations on the popular female notion that, "if I have to remind him, then that takes the fun out of it".

After a few minutes of bewildered silence, my friend said, "You are setting him and yourself up for unhappiness and you need to ask yourself whether it's better to be right or to be happy."  Ah, that phrase again.  I left the conversation with that wounded sense of betrayal you feel when you bare your soul to someone expecting sympathy and you get rebuked instead.

But something about it stuck and when I was honest with myself, I knew my friend was right and I was the architect of my own misery.  My husband is an amazing guy who sometimes forgets things. Why did I so desperately need to "prove" this point?  The notion of being right versus happy gnawed at me over the ensuing months and I started to look for, and find, examples of it playing out all over society.  The estranged family member who realizes only after the death of an "enemy" that they no longer remembered what had driven them apart.  The politician who is willing to derail productive debate on an important issue because he's so focussed on his hatred of his adversary. The single-cause activist who makes it her life's mission to change one thing and misses out on everything else life has to offer.  These are extreme cases but we all struggle with the overwhelming need to prove a point from time to time, and end up spending hours rehearsing our positions, reliving unpleasant conversations, and eventually, regretting that all those hours could have been spent doing something enjoyable, something that didn't revolve around proving another person wrong.

There are some cases in life when I believe you can be right and happy.  For example, protecting my children from danger seems like the right thing to do and their continued safety and survival makes me happy.  But there are many more situations where you need to choose one of the two.  Every time I feel offended, insulted or otherwise put out by someone or some thing, I try to ask myself if I want to be right and therefore start down a path of attempting to show this person the error of their ways, regardless of the consequences or if I want to be happy, let them know gently that what they've said or done has upset me and then move on, whether they accept responsibility or not.  It's easier said than done but I've gained some mastery with practice. The trick, it seems, is to ask the question immediately before the negative thoughts start to take over.

So, a year has passed and another birthday is coming and this year, I decided I wanted my birthday to be amazing and devoid of the silly emotions that come with proving a point. So, starting a month ago, I reminded my family of the date and told them I wanted a huge celebration with decorations and breakfast in bed and gifts and champagne and foot rubs and singing and clowns...well you get the idea.   In other words, I communicated my wishes like a mature adult.  As a result, I'm really looking forward to this birthday instead of worrying that people will forget it.

So, is it better to be right than happy?  I can't deny that sometimes it feels good to be right but usually the euphoria is short-lived and is negated by the waste of time and energy it takes to get there.  Choosing happiness is more peaceful in the long run.

Why the World Needs More Introverts

Ponder these questions:
1. Do you prefer one-on-one conversations over group activities?
2. Do you like to express yourself in writing?
3. Do you tend to think before you speak?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, you just might be an introvert.  Maybe you already suspected this.  Maybe you know it but have spent a lifetime trying to pretend you're more extroverted than you actually feel.

Why would you do that?  Maybe it's because North American society dramatically undervalues introverts and as you traversed from elementary school to college to your first job, you might have learned that your introverted tendencies were something you needed to hide, fix or deny.

I've always known I'm an introvert but thanks to Quiet: The Power of Introverts in A World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain, a New York Times bestseller, I now have a better understanding of what that actually means.  Many people assume that introverts are shy, withdrawn and even antisocial while extroverts are loud, friendly and gregarious.  While these things may be true of some people, the truth is more complex.

For example, one of the main differences between introverts and extroverts is simply that extroverts can handle more sensory stimulation.  Loud music, roller-coasters, crowded streets or an animated group discussion don't bother the extrovert and in fact, they energize him.  If an introvert is exposed to these same things, she is thrown off-balance and, after a period of time, she feels over-stimulated, begins to shut down and is desperate to escape to quiet surroundings.

Consider public speaking.  Most introverts are terrified of speaking in public and experience a variety of mental and physical reactions to it.  These include sleepless nights, elevated heart rate, excessive sweating, shaking, vomiting and even fainting on the way to the podium.  But, because so many careers require public speaking, many have trained themselves to do it by only accepting engagements on topics where they have expertise, spending weeks planning, and practicing breathing exercises, etc. beforehand.  When it's over, even if it was a huge success, the introvert is completely depleted and needs to immediately retreat to solitude to recover.  While extroverts may also get butterflies before giving a speech, they don't put so much pressure on themselves to succeed, spend less time planning, wing it more.  If the speech is a success and the audience is pleased, the extrovert feeds off that and sticks around for the backslapping.

One of Cain's most interesting claims is the notion that extroverts react while introverts inspect. If an introvert and an extrovert both go to the same sales pitch, the extrovert is more likely to react instantly to what is being shared, to be wowed by high-pressure tactics and to be excited about the possibilities.  Inherently suspicious, the introvert will probably experience none of these things.  He'll need to go back to the office, think about what he heard, digest it, maybe do his own research and then come back with a host of questions.

When the extroverted tendency to jump in and see what happens is combined with the introverted need to inquire and make informed decisions, great things can happen.  Business partnerships, boards and senior management teams which value and include an equal distribution of both dispositions, have the perfect combination of fearlessness and risk aversion.

But this rarely happens.  Because our society values speaking up, sharing your opinion and excelling at teamwork, introverts rarely make it to the top and when they do, their cautious approach to change is often viewed as a hindrance.  Introverts dislike teamwork even though, fastidious about details, they often do the bulk of the work and demand little of the glory.  They are also less interested in wealth, fame and status than extroverts, which knocks many of them off the corporate ladder early on.

Cain believes that we live in a culture which admires risk-takers but a time which needs more heed-takers.  Some people have gone so far as to blame the 2008 economic meltdown on a lack of introverts in high finance, positing that, if only there had been more cautious, quiet, inquisitive people at the top, it never would have happened.  I'm not sure if that's true.  Perhaps they were there and no one listened.  Perhaps they don't have the chutzpah to make it in such a high-octane business and so there's a dearth of them at the top.

Reading the book has been therapeutic for me in the sense that I feel more comfortable with my introversion and realize that there's nothing wrong with my preference for working in solitude and my desire to always leave parties early, if I go at all. As the parent of a classic introvert, I'm also determined to let him be who he is and resist the temptation to "bring him out of his shell".

If you think you might be an introvert, you can take Susan Cain's quiz here   You might just be surprised.

Should parents make their adult children send thank you cards?

I'm still waiting...


If you read this blog or follow my tweets, you'll know I'm a big believer in thank you cards, the old-fashioned handwritten ones, not the e-mail versions that are so popular nowadays.  But, as I'm not a complete Luddite, I realize that many people don't write cards any more and I'll take an electronic thank you over nothing at all, which is also sadly becoming commonplace.

A while ago I wrote a blog post about five occasions that require a thank-you card so I won't list them here but suffice to say, a proper thank you is required anytime someone gives you a gift.  As a mother of young children, I consider it my responsibility to ensure that my sons write cards of gratitude for most gifts they receive.  If five friends come to their birthday party and leave with loot bags, the thank-yous are said when the gift is received and I don't feel a more formal follow-up is required.  However, if grandma or another friend or relative takes the time to give them something special, and especially if the gift is sent through the mail, thank-you cards are mandatory.

Do You Hide Behind A Social Media Alter Ego?

A few weeks ago, I was captivated by the news of Caterpillar closing its plant in London, Ontario.  Although it wasn't confirmed, it was widely suggested that the company was moving the jobs to a plant in Muncie, Indiana, a town that has been decimated by the American economic recession.  After reading a news story in the Muncie Star Press, I decided to add a comment from a Canadian point of view.  After I typed my comment, I hit submit and received a message stating that, in order to preserve the integrity of the comments section and keep it clean, all commenters are required to log in through their Facebook page so that their photo and real name will accompany their comment.

With my finger hovering over the keyboard, I thought about this for a couple of minutes before deciding not to submit my comment.  What scared me away?  I am not a troll who posts derogatory, inflammatory or offensive comments in response to news stories. I don't use profanity, never berate other posters and make every attempt to keep my comments on-topic and not go off on ridiculous tangents.  That said, I guess I'm not quite ready to be completely transparent with my personal opinions when it comes to highly-charged stories.  The few times I shared my honest opinion on the Caterpillar story - that the union had to accept at least some responsibility for the outcome - most people became enraged and spouted sentences that started with, "It's people like you..."

As an educated person working in a (mostly) creative profession, living in a (mostly) progressive city in a (mostly) democratic country, I feel like I exist in a network where certain opinions, attitudes and outlooks are considered normal and appropriate.  Our profession seems to be dominated by people who are slightly left of centre when it comes to issues of a political or social nature and sometimes it feels like there is no room for someone to diverge from popular opinion. It's almost like there are a set of opinions that are considered the "right" opinions on topics like religion, unions, politicians, climate change, poverty, etc. and when someone tries to share a different thought, even if it's only a slight variation on the commonly accepted viewpoint, it is not always accepted in the spirit of debate.

For example, while I can see how someone like Toronto mayor, Rob Ford turns many people off, I am not in complete disagreement with all of his ideas. I feel like I'm intelligent enough to make this assertion and I generally do my own research before forming opinions.  However, judging from the end-of-the-world tone of the local Twittersphere when he was elected, I don't know if I'd be comfortable sharing this on Twitter.

Some people have gone so far as to set up Twitter alter egos so that they might have their professional, politically-correct Twitter handles with their own photo, as well as another, anonymous one that they use when they need to put someone in their place or share an opinion that could be unpopular.  I know some of these people personally. They are not crazy right-wing nutcases with wild opinions but they are savvy enough to know that holding certain opinions is tantamount to professional and/or social media suicide.   The alter ego idea appeals to me but I don't trust my ability to keep my two accounts separate so it's a recipe for disaster.

As I write this, it occurs to me that I might be too sensitive.  A friend said to me once that if you're afraid to annoy people on social media you're not doing it right.  It's food for thought and I'm seriously considering it. But will you still like me?

Should You Interview Your Childhood Bully?

Why me?


I didn't have a childhood bully.  Like every other kid I had moments of extreme humiliation and embarrassment as a result of occasional bullying but I didn't have my own personal bully, someone who picked on me relentlessly over a long period of time.

But I witnessed a lot of bullying and mean-girling as a child and teenager and while I didn't actively participate, I'm ashamed to say that I stood on the sidelines and never attempted to rescue someone from their tormentor.  My parents taught us the importance of kindness and compassion but for most of my school life, my desire to fit in was greater than any sense of obligation to help others.  Looking back, I can see that I was just too insecure in my own skin to come to the defense of someone else.  Although I squirmed when I saw girls being bullied, I was just so relieved that it wasn't me that I stayed silent.  My inability to speak up has haunted me in the intervening decades and I often wonder whatever happened to one girl in grade five who was bullied every single day because she was poor, socially awkward and often wore her brother's hand-me-down clothes. I hope she's happy and fulfilled and that she never thinks about those days but what if she's permanently scarred?  What if the bullies, and me through my inaction, had such a negative impact on her confidence that she never hit her stride in life?

So I was intrigued by a Salon series,Interview With My Bully which encourages adults to track down their childhood bullies confront them and write about the experience. The published essays are fascinating.  Though the authors are successful, accomplished, mostly-happy adults, they have been unable to let go of the painful memories caused by a childhood bully and have tracked them down in the hopes of answering the question that has been bothering them for decades - Why me?  Some of the bullies are truly apologetic and welcome the chance to relieve their own conscience.  Others are surprised that they were capable of inflicting so much pain and are shocked to hear that they have been on someone's mind for so long.  And sadly, a few are still the horrible people they were at age 10, like the woman in the most recent essay who went on Facebook immediately after her interview to insult the person she had bullied as a child.

Most of the essayists are in their late 30s or early 40s which not only tends to be a time of reflection or renewal but also often coincides with their own kids reaching middle school.  They came of age at a time when bullying wasn't properly addressed in the school setting and in fact, many teachers could be considered bullies themselves.  Yes, I'm talking to you grade six gym teacher.  Today, bullying is discussed at length.      School boards have sweeping zero-tolerance policies.  Celebrities pledge their support for anti-bullying campaigns and in theory at least, children are supposed to feel more comfortable talking about it.  And yet, it continues.  Here in Toronto, there is a very disturbing case in the courts about a disabled youth who was bullied so mercilessly that he committed suicide.

Were you bullied as a child?  Were you a bully yourself?  Or, like me, did you stand by and do nothing while someone else was bullied?  If so, you'll find these essays very moving and maybe even be inspired to get in touch with some of the people from your school days.

If you're going to give someone the finger, make sure it's for a good reason

(AP Photo/NBC)

This is the perfect place for me to express my discontent with the world...

This morning I was crossing a busy street shortly after rush hour. Although I had the right of way, my presence on the road was holding up several motorists eager to make a left turn before the light changed. The driver of the first car in the queue was so impatient that she executed the turn as far as she could go without actually running me over and when I finally cleared her car, I swear I felt her bumper brush the bottom of my coat as she sped away. I immediately felt a tingling sensation in my right hand and I recognized it right away. I wanted to give her the finger. My body was telling me to do something that my mind knows is obscene, especially for someone who cares about etiquette. But I understood the impulse. In situations where you don't get a chance to voice your discontent to an anonymous jerk, it is a handy solution. By simply raising our hand and extending the middle finger, we are saying, "I see what you're doing and I can't stop you but I'm here to tell you that I am a human being. I deserve to be treated with some respect and I'm not going to tolerate your actions."  

So, is that what British rapper M.I.A was thinking when she decided to use a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to perform live at the Superbowl to give the audience the finger while proclaiming, "I don't give a shit"?  Probably not.  Like Janet Jackson's notorious 2004 wardrobe malfunction, the incident has been grossly blown out of proportion by U.S. media. Superbowl broadcaster NBC has apologized to viewers for its lateness in obscuring the gesture and in a statement, NFL spokesperson Brian McCarthy said, "The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing, and we apologize to our fans." I think what gets our southern neighbours so riled up in these situations is not so much the gesture itself but the perceived insult to football, a sacred part of American life whose importance borders on religion for many fans.

Do I think that a musician known for controversial behaviour giving a billion viewers the finger is shocking? Not really. M.I.A. is very outspoken about her causes and has been called both a 'refugee icon' and a 'terrorist sympathizer". I am however, annoyed by the forum she chose to make the statement. If you're really that against the world and corporations and everything they represent, is the Superbowl - a highly-commercialized event broad-casted to a billion global viewers - the best place to express it? I assume she received a big paycheque for her few minutes on stage and would have been well aware of what is and isn't considered appropriate and the restrictions placed on artistic 'creativity'.  At one time, most of us have dumbed down campaigns, presented plans that didn't represent our best work and resorted to what's safe rather than what's exciting.  We do it because the people who are paying us want it that way.  Like it or not, when we accept cheques from clients, we need to respect their brand, abide by their notions of what is and isn't appropriate and try not to embarrass them in public.

So, back to my desire to flip the bird to that driver this morning. I truly believe that our society functions better when we're all behaving ourselves but there are so many cases in life when anonymous people disrespect our boundaries, take what isn't ours, treat us like crap and then move on before we have a chance to protest.  So, I'm not going to say on an etiquette blog that it's ever appropriate but I understand the impulse and won't judge you if you fall victim to your baser instincts. Just make sure there are no cameras around.  You don't want your anonymous gesture to come back to haunt you.