Six common etiquette mistakes you probably don't know you're making

"Say, isn't that the new MAC Viva Glam shade?"





Those of us who believe in preserving etiquette are faced with a Catch-22 of sorts. Rude behaviour is all around us providing ample opportunity to educate people by showing them the error of their ways.  And yet, pointing out someone's ignorance is itself considered poor etiquette so we stand by mutely and let people carry on with their faux pas.  Enter the etiquette blog - a way to helpfully share the rules of etiquette without the risk of embarrassing the offenders.  That is of course, presuming that they are capable of embarrassment, a phenomenon I wrote about in a recent post on the disappearance of shame in modern society.  So, in the spirit of gentle reminders, here are six etiquette mistakes you probably didn't even know you were making:

1. Not excusing yourself to take a phone call - Despite what you may believe, there really is no public circumstance in which it's okay for you to interrupt an in-person conversation in order to talk on your cell phone.  This is especially true in situations where you're not only ignoring your companion, but also annoying strangers (e.g. inside an elevator or in a restaurant).  While it's better to turn off your ringer when you are in company, if you are expecting a call of an urgent nature that absolutely cannot be ignored, let your companion know at the start of your discussion and when the call comes, find a quiet place to take it.  The rule of thumb is that you should be at least 10 feet from other humans when you're conducting a cell phone call.  If you're an exceptionally loud person, make it 20.

2. Assuming you have a year to send a wedding gift - I believed this for many years but it's actually a myth and rightfully so.  According to Peggy Post at www.emilypost.com, if you wait a year, you're actually sending someone an anniversary gift, not a wedding gift.  While it can be cumbersome to tote a gift to a ceremony, and you may want to see someone's taste in home decor before choosing something, three months is considered the maximum time you can wait. 

3. Wearing your name tag on the wrong side - Many people believe that name tags should be worn on the left side because "that's where the heart is".  It's a lovely sentiment but unfortunately, it's wrong.  While it's easier for right-handed people to slap a name tag on their left side, it belongs on the right side.  Since we shake hands with our right hand, we have better eye contact with the other person's right side and therefore, don't have to strain to see their name and where they work. 

4. Having a sip when someone toasts you - At least once in your life, you will find yourself in a situation where someone makes a toast in your honour.  If you're a fabulous socialite, a major philanthropist or a politician who people actually like, this might happen often.  For most of us, it happens at weddings and the odd business dinner which we have organized.  While it seems only natural to raise our own glass when someone is complimenting us, etiquette experts remind us that "one never drinks a toast to oneself".

5. Leaving your napkin on the table when you visit the restroom - So you've had a couple of glasses of wine and you need to visit the ladies' room in the middle of dinner.  Perhaps you're leaving to take a phone call (see #1).  What do you do with your napkin?  Leave it on your chair, not beside your plate.  This spares your dining companions from having to stare at your lipstick marks or grease spots while you're gone.  When you no longer need it, it can go on the table as a signal to your waiter that you're finished. 

6. Sharing someone's email address without permission - Even if it's for a good reason (e.g. to refer some business to them), it is not appropriate to share anyone's email address without asking their permission or at least giving them a heads-up.  If you want to introduce two people via e-mail, let them know separately ahead of time before putting them together electronically.  And never, under any circumstances, share someone's email address with a person who is trying to sell something.

7. Neglecting to send thank-you cards after a funeral - A friend who recently lost her father suggested to me that people who sent flowers to the funeral home would understand that she was too sad to formally acknowledge their gesture.  I replied that, while another task is the last thing most people need during a bereavement period, thank-you cards are still required, and then I offered to help her write them out.  While everyone will completely understand if you take months to thank them, if someone has taken the time to purchase and send a flower arrangement, they deserve, and need, to be acknowledged.  But don't be afraid to ask for help with this.  You will certainly receive it. 

Five Occasions that Warrant a Thank You Card

Saying thank you is one of the simplest and most effective ways to show your gratitude towards someone who has been kind to you. The act of kindness can be small (holding the door open), large (provided a job reference) or customary (sending flowers to someone recently bereaved) but an expression of thanks, whether verbal, electronic or hand-written should be automatic, perhaps even second nature.

And yet, these two unassuming little words cause so much confusion and angst for some that they avoid them all together. I would hate to think that people refrain from sending notes of appreciation because they are intimidated by the protocol around their use. So, no more excuses. Here is a brief summary of when and how to say thank you.

What occasions warrant a thank you note?
Anytime you feel the urge to thank someone is the right time but the following occasions actually demand it:

- When you have received a gift in your business or professional life
- When you have enjoyed someone's hospitality in their home
- If someone has hosted an event in your honour
- Gratitude for sympathy cards, letters or flowers
- When someone has done you a big favour like helped you move or sent a piece of business your way

Is it ever too late to say thank you?
While there is a cultural expectation that you will respond to someone's kindness in short order, it's easy to get caught up in the craziness of life and push your thank you notes further down your to-do list until the very thought of their tardiness keeps you up at night. While it might be embarrasing for you to thank Aunt Edna for the lovely toaster 12 months after you walked down the aisle, it's still necessary. There is no statute of limitations on thank you cards and believe me, people are waiting for them.

Do I really need to send a hand-written note?
What's wrong with writing out a thank you note? Personally, I find it therapeutic but I enjoy Gene Kelly movies and hard-copy newspapers so perhaps I'm out of touch. Hand-written notes are always appreciated and, in today's society with its profusion of electronic communications, they certainly stand out, but they are not always necessary. Formal occasions, such as weddings require a hand-written sentiment thanking your guest for sharing your special day and specifically mentions the gift and how you are using it. However, if a business acquaintance takes you for lunch, an e-mail later the same day will suffice. What's important is that you recognize and acknowledge that someone has shown consideration towards you.

What should I say?
Some people find it intimidating to write thank you notes but it's really quite simple:
-Keep it warm, sincere, enthusiastic and most importantly, personal. If you are sending multiple cards, each one needs to be different.
-If it's in response to a gift, mention the gift, how much you appreciate it and how you are using it
-Make it more about them (e.g. "you are always so thoughtful) than about you

Do I need to thank each person individually?
To express my condolences, I recently donated to a charity when an acquaintance lost a parent. One week later, I was shocked to find myself on the To list of a group e-mail thanking me and several others who had sent flowers or made donations. There are very, very few occasions in polite society where it's appropriate to say thank you to a group of people and this is definitely not one of them. While I'm pleased that there is an expression of gratitude, the use of a 'group' format suggests the sender doesn't value each individual's contribution enough to personalize it. Group thank-you cards are only appropriate where the entire group is already bound together by geography or circumstance (e.g. a department in your office or an existing online forum). If they were strangers before the event that precipitated their kindness, they need to be treated individually when you express your thanks.

There is much to be said on this topic and I'm only skimmed the surface. I would be interested in your feedback, questions or challenges.