Six common etiquette mistakes you probably don't know you're making

"Say, isn't that the new MAC Viva Glam shade?"





Those of us who believe in preserving etiquette are faced with a Catch-22 of sorts. Rude behaviour is all around us providing ample opportunity to educate people by showing them the error of their ways.  And yet, pointing out someone's ignorance is itself considered poor etiquette so we stand by mutely and let people carry on with their faux pas.  Enter the etiquette blog - a way to helpfully share the rules of etiquette without the risk of embarrassing the offenders.  That is of course, presuming that they are capable of embarrassment, a phenomenon I wrote about in a recent post on the disappearance of shame in modern society.  So, in the spirit of gentle reminders, here are six etiquette mistakes you probably didn't even know you were making:

1. Not excusing yourself to take a phone call - Despite what you may believe, there really is no public circumstance in which it's okay for you to interrupt an in-person conversation in order to talk on your cell phone.  This is especially true in situations where you're not only ignoring your companion, but also annoying strangers (e.g. inside an elevator or in a restaurant).  While it's better to turn off your ringer when you are in company, if you are expecting a call of an urgent nature that absolutely cannot be ignored, let your companion know at the start of your discussion and when the call comes, find a quiet place to take it.  The rule of thumb is that you should be at least 10 feet from other humans when you're conducting a cell phone call.  If you're an exceptionally loud person, make it 20.

2. Assuming you have a year to send a wedding gift - I believed this for many years but it's actually a myth and rightfully so.  According to Peggy Post at www.emilypost.com, if you wait a year, you're actually sending someone an anniversary gift, not a wedding gift.  While it can be cumbersome to tote a gift to a ceremony, and you may want to see someone's taste in home decor before choosing something, three months is considered the maximum time you can wait. 

3. Wearing your name tag on the wrong side - Many people believe that name tags should be worn on the left side because "that's where the heart is".  It's a lovely sentiment but unfortunately, it's wrong.  While it's easier for right-handed people to slap a name tag on their left side, it belongs on the right side.  Since we shake hands with our right hand, we have better eye contact with the other person's right side and therefore, don't have to strain to see their name and where they work. 

4. Having a sip when someone toasts you - At least once in your life, you will find yourself in a situation where someone makes a toast in your honour.  If you're a fabulous socialite, a major philanthropist or a politician who people actually like, this might happen often.  For most of us, it happens at weddings and the odd business dinner which we have organized.  While it seems only natural to raise our own glass when someone is complimenting us, etiquette experts remind us that "one never drinks a toast to oneself".

5. Leaving your napkin on the table when you visit the restroom - So you've had a couple of glasses of wine and you need to visit the ladies' room in the middle of dinner.  Perhaps you're leaving to take a phone call (see #1).  What do you do with your napkin?  Leave it on your chair, not beside your plate.  This spares your dining companions from having to stare at your lipstick marks or grease spots while you're gone.  When you no longer need it, it can go on the table as a signal to your waiter that you're finished. 

6. Sharing someone's email address without permission - Even if it's for a good reason (e.g. to refer some business to them), it is not appropriate to share anyone's email address without asking their permission or at least giving them a heads-up.  If you want to introduce two people via e-mail, let them know separately ahead of time before putting them together electronically.  And never, under any circumstances, share someone's email address with a person who is trying to sell something.

7. Neglecting to send thank-you cards after a funeral - A friend who recently lost her father suggested to me that people who sent flowers to the funeral home would understand that she was too sad to formally acknowledge their gesture.  I replied that, while another task is the last thing most people need during a bereavement period, thank-you cards are still required, and then I offered to help her write them out.  While everyone will completely understand if you take months to thank them, if someone has taken the time to purchase and send a flower arrangement, they deserve, and need, to be acknowledged.  But don't be afraid to ask for help with this.  You will certainly receive it. 

Should parents make their adult children send thank you cards?

I'm still waiting...


If you read this blog or follow my tweets, you'll know I'm a big believer in thank you cards, the old-fashioned handwritten ones, not the e-mail versions that are so popular nowadays.  But, as I'm not a complete Luddite, I realize that many people don't write cards any more and I'll take an electronic thank you over nothing at all, which is also sadly becoming commonplace.

A while ago I wrote a blog post about five occasions that require a thank-you card so I won't list them here but suffice to say, a proper thank you is required anytime someone gives you a gift.  As a mother of young children, I consider it my responsibility to ensure that my sons write cards of gratitude for most gifts they receive.  If five friends come to their birthday party and leave with loot bags, the thank-yous are said when the gift is received and I don't feel a more formal follow-up is required.  However, if grandma or another friend or relative takes the time to give them something special, and especially if the gift is sent through the mail, thank-you cards are mandatory.

Why I'm Teaching My Kids Cursive Writing

I miss you...

We recently added a new activity to our family's weekend routine.  On Sunday afternoons, I sit my sons at the dining room table with a pencil and some sheets of lined paper. I plop a bowl of candy in front of them for "motivation" and begin our weekly lesson in cursive writing.  For 30 minutes, they loop and slant their way through the alphabet, their names and a few other words.  This is not always a joyful family experience and it is often characterized by resistance and frustration about why they're the "only kids in their class who have to learn cursive". 

I became concerned when another mom told me that the Toronto District School Board had dropped handwriting from the curriculum. While that is not actually true, whether it is actually taught is up to individual teachers (like so much else) and it's definitely not a priority.  Even if it is squeezed in here and there, it's unlikely the kids will practice it enough to become proficient. 


While I wasn't labouring under the misconception that my kids were spending hours perfecting a scripted "d" while their teacher rapped the hands of those who went outside the lines, I was shocked and saddened to hear that it wouldn't play a vital role in their education.  I understand it's a dying art and it's not like I also expect them to master the abacus or slide rule, but I just hadn't prepared my mind (and my emotions) for the reality that they might never learn how to write properly.  

According to the experts, font is the future, and I can't say I disagree. My kids will graduate into an extremely competitive global environment and need to be adequately prepared with true 21st century skills.  There's no time to focus on things they won't use and in fact, many adults who grew up learning cursive don't even use it anymore.  Thanks to chip and pin technology, we don't need to sign our name when we use our credit cards and people take notes on their tablets or smartphones. Brides send thank you notes by email (when they send them at all), long distance correspondence takes place electronically and I can't remember the last time I received a postcard from a vacationing acquaintance.

I don't think of myself as a Luddite, and yet, putting pen to paper is such a fundamental part of my life that I just wasn't prepared to let it go. To say I love cursive writing is an understatement.  At conferences, I'm often the only person at my table taking notes the "old-fashioned way".  I write elaborate to-do lists and get a thrill every time I stroke my pen through a task that's completed.  I send handwritten thank-you cards all the time and write out almost 50 Christmas cards each year.  To be fair, I am gifted with the ability to write very neatly.  It has always come easy for me and I realize that for many people, no amount of practice can improve their messy scrawl.

But, while I have a tendency towards nostalgia, my desire to teach my kids cursive is not fueled purely by emotion.  According to researchers, writing by hand is more than just a way to communicate.  Cursive calls upon many different parts of the brain while printing and typing only use the left hemisphere of the brain, the side associated with linear, logical and sequential functions.  As well, handwriting reinforces reading and spelling, develops motor memory, teaches students to focus and may help them remember what they learn.  This last part rings true for me.  Despite their claims that the medium isn't important, I find it hard to believe that people who take notes on a laptop, while simultaneously checking emails and Facebook, are taking in as much relevant information as someone who is writing what they hear.

One could also make a case for the discipline developed when kids practice anything over and over, whether it's piano scales or soccer kicks. By allowing them to go directly from printing to the keyboard, are we denying today's children the confidence that comes from mastering a skill they have struggled with? 

And, as handwriting analysts (themselves a dying breed) will attest, the unique way in which our writing flows says so much about our personality, character and intentions, in a way that Helvetica never will.  A person's handwriting is an extension of who they are and   it's recognizable.  I feel an emotional tug when I receive mail addressed with my mom's patient, consistent script.

And so I plod along with my insistence that my kids learn to write properly.  I realize that short of an apocalypse in which all the technology disappears, it's a skill they won't use but all parents seem to have a couple of things they're "irrational" about.  Some parents think I'm crazy for doing this and I think they're crazy for giving an 8-year-old a Facebook account.  As parents, we make many decisions based on pure gut instinct and hope that they will turn out to be wise. 

What are your thoughts on teaching kids cursive?  Colossal waste of time or valuable learning opportunity? 

A Great Example of Class in a Careless World

Like many bloggers, I often use this forum as an opportunity to rant and becuase my focus is etiquette in modern society, or the lack thereog, sadly, there is no shortage of fodder for my soapbox.

But today, I have the privilege of sharing a good news story - an old-fashioned gesture of class and gratitude that is just too rare these days.

We had a delivery in our office yesterday. We get many deliveries in the course of a day but this one was extra special with a cherry on top. It was a box containing 12 cupcakes from Sugar Baking - six with chocolate frosting and six with vanilla frosting. Might I add, the best chocolate frosting ever!

Our surprise benefactor? The stylish Ian Capstick, owner of Media Style, seasoned communicator and passionate advocate of social media.

Opening the box elicited squeals of delight from my colleagues as we racked our brains to remember what we could have done to deserve such a welcome and delicious treat on a Thursday afternoon. When nothing sprung to mind, I got in touch with Mr. Capstick himself, who said simply that he liked reading our blogs, appreciated retweets from our staff and enjoyed meeting with my business partner, Martin Waxman, a couple of months ago.

In my etiquette training, people often ask if it's really necessary for them to send thank you cards for large gestures - business referrals, weekends at the cottage, job interviews. I sometimes need to convince them that it's not only worth it, but an obligation. And, here is an example of someone who sent sweet treats, simply to say, "Hey, I like what you're doing".

A surprising, and very encouraging show of class in a world where too often, we forget to say thank you.

Five Occasions that Warrant a Thank You Card

Saying thank you is one of the simplest and most effective ways to show your gratitude towards someone who has been kind to you. The act of kindness can be small (holding the door open), large (provided a job reference) or customary (sending flowers to someone recently bereaved) but an expression of thanks, whether verbal, electronic or hand-written should be automatic, perhaps even second nature.

And yet, these two unassuming little words cause so much confusion and angst for some that they avoid them all together. I would hate to think that people refrain from sending notes of appreciation because they are intimidated by the protocol around their use. So, no more excuses. Here is a brief summary of when and how to say thank you.

What occasions warrant a thank you note?
Anytime you feel the urge to thank someone is the right time but the following occasions actually demand it:

- When you have received a gift in your business or professional life
- When you have enjoyed someone's hospitality in their home
- If someone has hosted an event in your honour
- Gratitude for sympathy cards, letters or flowers
- When someone has done you a big favour like helped you move or sent a piece of business your way

Is it ever too late to say thank you?
While there is a cultural expectation that you will respond to someone's kindness in short order, it's easy to get caught up in the craziness of life and push your thank you notes further down your to-do list until the very thought of their tardiness keeps you up at night. While it might be embarrasing for you to thank Aunt Edna for the lovely toaster 12 months after you walked down the aisle, it's still necessary. There is no statute of limitations on thank you cards and believe me, people are waiting for them.

Do I really need to send a hand-written note?
What's wrong with writing out a thank you note? Personally, I find it therapeutic but I enjoy Gene Kelly movies and hard-copy newspapers so perhaps I'm out of touch. Hand-written notes are always appreciated and, in today's society with its profusion of electronic communications, they certainly stand out, but they are not always necessary. Formal occasions, such as weddings require a hand-written sentiment thanking your guest for sharing your special day and specifically mentions the gift and how you are using it. However, if a business acquaintance takes you for lunch, an e-mail later the same day will suffice. What's important is that you recognize and acknowledge that someone has shown consideration towards you.

What should I say?
Some people find it intimidating to write thank you notes but it's really quite simple:
-Keep it warm, sincere, enthusiastic and most importantly, personal. If you are sending multiple cards, each one needs to be different.
-If it's in response to a gift, mention the gift, how much you appreciate it and how you are using it
-Make it more about them (e.g. "you are always so thoughtful) than about you

Do I need to thank each person individually?
To express my condolences, I recently donated to a charity when an acquaintance lost a parent. One week later, I was shocked to find myself on the To list of a group e-mail thanking me and several others who had sent flowers or made donations. There are very, very few occasions in polite society where it's appropriate to say thank you to a group of people and this is definitely not one of them. While I'm pleased that there is an expression of gratitude, the use of a 'group' format suggests the sender doesn't value each individual's contribution enough to personalize it. Group thank-you cards are only appropriate where the entire group is already bound together by geography or circumstance (e.g. a department in your office or an existing online forum). If they were strangers before the event that precipitated their kindness, they need to be treated individually when you express your thanks.

There is much to be said on this topic and I'm only skimmed the surface. I would be interested in your feedback, questions or challenges.