Respect the privacy of your online friends or risk losing them

I Louise and I'm not on Facebook. There, I said it.have nothing against the hugely popular social networking site (400 million users and growing) but while I use many online communications tools (including this blog platform) in my professional life, I prefer to "keep my socializing old-school" in my private life. I have a lovely circle of closefriends and family members and, by choice or circumstance, we prefer to update each other over dinner or coffee every few weeks rather than electronically every few minutes.I'm also by nature quite a private person, have no desire to reconnect with high school friends or old boyfriends and don't relish the idea of photos of me in the 80s with a Flock of Seagulls haircut floating around in the ether. 

Neither am I a huge fan of other people's photos. Show me one or two every few months and I'm good. No, really, that's enough!

I'm also fiercely protective of my children's right to privacy and do not mention their names online, let alone post photos of them. As a parent, I believe it's my job to protect them and posting photos online without their consent, photos which will likely still be there when they become adults, is not okay in my books. I realize many parents disagree with me on this and I have heard all the arguments - "but they're password protected", "but it's just photos of them playing soccer, etc.", "but you can increase your privacy settings".

The thing is, if it's online, it could eventually end up somewhere you don't want it to be. In a recent article on online privacy, Toronto police detective Paul Krawczyk likened posting photos of children online to taking 1,000 photos downtown Toronto and leaving them hanging around.

And, it does seem that these online giants take somewhat of a lax approach to changing privacy settings without warning. Last summer, Canada's privacy commissioner ruled that the site's policies were in violation of federal privacy laws and just last week, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg revealed his vision to turn the Internet into one big social network with Facebook at the helm. And Google Buzz came under fire recently for automatically creating public circles of friends for users based on their most frequent e-mail contacts. Both of these actions were tweaked after a public outcry but some of the damage had already been done.

Having said all of this, I have seen some great business applications for Facebook, I know many people of all ages who love it and that, for people below a certain age, it is an essential way to communicate with friends. Everyone has their own gauge of what is and isn't appropriate for them. Perhaps you are unconcerned about sharing the most intimate details of your life with others, but, etiquette dictates that you follow a few simple rules when it comes to respecting the privacy of your friends and co-workers.

Don't post photos of other people's kids online - I am part of a large extended family and during get-togethers, many people casually snap photos without warning. At these events, I am the "downer" reminding everyone not to post photos of my kids or to name them on their Facebook sites. This usually doesn't go over well and many people think I am being needlessly paranoid but etiquette is about being sensitive to the feelings of others so if people are working hard to protect their own privacy you need to respect that. If in doubt, ask for permission.

Don't tag unflattering photos of people - Many times I have rejoiced in the fact that social networking sites did not exist when I was young and my judgement was unreliable. There are enough embarrasing photos of me to fill ten albums but they don't need to be dragged into the present day. When you upload a photo of anyone, you're not just subjecting them to humiliaton, you could also be helping to tarnish their online reputation.

Take a hint - Even people who enjoy social networking sites and use them regularly, have their boundaries. People choose online "friends" based on their own set of criteria. Perhaps they don't want to revisit the glory days of high school. Maybe they're uncomfortable friending employees. Or, maybe they just don't care for you. Ask once and then let it go. Don't be annoying and, if you're over 13, please don't poke people. Would you do that in real life?

Too much information - Resist the urge to use social networking sites as therapy. Whatever you're going through, it will be more productive (and ultimately therapeutic) for you to hash it out in person with a friend, co-worker or, even a therapist. Sharing the gory details of your breakup on your wall and asking others to weigh in is not only very unbecoming, it's unfair to the other person (no matter how angry you are).

Don't share e-mail addresses - The golden rule when it comes to e-mail addresses is that you should never share one without permission. This means, if you would like to introduce two people by e-mail, you need to get permission from both first. Cumbersome maybe but essential if you want to practice good online etiquette. This is especially true if you want to provide an e-mail address to someone who has something to sell, whether it's Tupperware or a graphic design service. If sending a group e-mail to people who do not already know each other, use a bcc list or, better yet, send separate, personal e-mails.

Hopefully this helps. I'll end with two thoughts. If someone has posted an unflattering photo of me on Facebook, please don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss!

Second, if this post has got you thinking about online privacy, Fast Company has published a great guide on how to audit your Facebook privacy settings,

Friends don't let friends get spammed

According to the authors of SEND: Why People Email So Badly and How To Do It Better, 100 billion unsolicited commercial e-mail messages are sent everyday and the average North American white collar worker gets 50,000 to 100,000 e-mails per year. It's easy to point the finger at faceless spammers and naive do-gooders who pass on warnings about lurking viruses or poorly-written missives that we must "immediately share with ten friends in order for something good to happen".

But what about people we know? Friends, family members, colleagues and acquaintances who share our e-mail addresses without our permission or include us in the To list of their group vacation updates so everyone else can see our personal or professional e-mail. I'm sure many of them don't mean to be rude, perhaps they don't even think about it but the fact is, it's not okay to share someone's e-mail address with another person without their permission, especially if, in doing so, you expose them to unsolicited, unwanted e-mails. Even worse, "friends" who share your e-mail address with people who have something to sell without your permission: "Hi Ann, I thought you'd like to meet my friend Steve. His company makes the most amazing widgets. Steve, feel free to e-mail your catalogue to Ann. "

I found myself in this situation recently. At a networking event, I met someone who expressed interest in partnering with a current client of mine. I took his card and when I returned to the office, I called the client and asked if he would be interested in an e-mail introduction. He said "yes" so I called the gentleman I had met, confirmed his interest and asked if it would be okay to include his contact information in an introductory e-mail. He also said "yes" and so I composed an e-mail to introduce them to each other and they've now set up a meeting. Time consuming? Yes but proper e-mail etiquette.

There are occasions where it's acceptable to share e-mail addresses but only if a relationship - professional or personal - has already been established. For example, I could include the e-mail address of a coworker in a welcome message to a new client. Or, if I am a board member of a professional organization, I wouldn't be surprised to find my e-mail address, along with those of the other board members, in the To line. We have a prior, established relationship with a clear objective and an understood code of professionalism.

However, if one of those board members decided to include the addresses of the others in an e-mail to an outsider about a separate fundraising event, without their prior permission, it would no longer qualify as appropriate netiquette.

Rule of thumb: if you apologize anywhere in your e-mail for the way in which you're handling the communication (e.g. "sorry for the mass e-mail, I don't usually do this"), you might want to rethink it.