Showing posts with label public relations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label public relations. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

You're never too senior to carry boxes in PR



 Your first job promotion is a mixed blessing.  When you hear the news that you're moving up the ladder, you feel great.  You've proven yourself worthy of more responsibility, you have a more important-sounding title and hopefully, a pay increase. But the initial elation wears off when you realize that colleagues who were friends last week now report to you, HR has been added to your job description and you don't actually get to ditch all the things you disliked about your former role.  In fact, a promotion often means you will do your former job, as well as a new one.

In 20 years experiencing my own, often stumbling, movements through the management ranks and witnessing the behaviour of my own team members once they've been promoted, I've noticed one constant - delegation is not what it's cracked up to be.  In fact, it's much less fun than anyone ever imagines.

While a junior role requires you to draft a news release and submit it for review, your shiny new senior role has a lot more steps.  You have to receive the assignment from your manager, choose a team member to handle it, meet with them to discuss it, set expectations and deadlines, follow up if the deadline is looming and you haven't seen anything, review the draft, meet with the staff member to share your feedback and provide suggestions for improvement, set another deadline for the revised draft, and then go through the process all over again.  And when you do finally have a workable document, you must resist the urge to rewrite the whole thing and accept that just because it's not "the way you would do it" doesn't mean it isn't good quality.  

In a management role, even if you only have one direct report, this scenario repeats itself all day everyday and due to the frantic, often last-minute nature of public relations, many assignments don't have the luxury of time for training and mentorship so you do them yourself anyway and at events, you'll often find yourself carrying boxes, fetching water for speakers, tracking down A/V people and other tasks you thought you had left behind when you were promoted. No such luck.

When I finally became a vice president at a PR agency, I thought, "This is it.  I've arrived.  No more schlepping boxes for me."  Only, it didn't work out that way.  While there was certainly a delineation between my role, the most junior person in the office, and everyone in between, I still found myself carrying boxes of press kits, straightening signage, picking up lunch for demanding celebrity spokespersons and, on one occasion, doing a midnight Wal-Mart run because, after setting up for an early morning event, a client was unsatisfied with the particular shade of purple on the tablecloths. I could have delegated the task but I was the only person who owned a car, I lived closest to the store and my staff, who had been on their feet for 18 hours, were exhausted.  It was not the time for a power play.

When I kvetched about this to a mentor of mine who is president of a large global agency based in Atlanta, he said, "You have to realize that, in PR, no matter how high up the chain you are, you will never stop carrying boxes."  While I was immediately gratified to find out I wasn't alone, I was distressed to realize that if even he was admitting this, then it must be true.

He went on to explain that while everyone in an agency has a different role and each step involves the shedding of old duties and the responsibility for new ones, everyone on a team is responsible for the final product whether it's a perfectly executed communications plan, a spectacular launch event or successfully shepherding the organization through a crisis.  He also reminded me that event management is a big part of PR agency life and no matter how far ahead you plan and how many times you confirm the details, things will go wrong.  Speakers cancel, planes are delayed, product is stopped at the border, A/V systems malfunction, taxi drivers get lost, flowers wilt, employees get ill, there aren't enough coat hangers, client approval is late, and so on.  But the show must go on and at that point, it's all hands on deck to make it happen. While someone has to take charge and direct traffic, there's no reason that person can't also carry boxes, if that's what's required to make it happen.  

In his book, The 48 Laws of Power, which I recommend as a fascinating insight into how people operate, author Robert Greene suggests that to attain true power, you must "Keep Your Hands Clean" and avoid doing the dirty work.  He would suggest that, at a big business event, the true leader arrives at the last minute looking fresh and professional wearing a clean suit and carrying nothing.  This will set him or her apart from the "workers" who have only a few minutes to wipe the dust off their clothes, throw on their event shoes, slick on some lip gloss and squirt Visine into tired eyes before the lights go up.  

I'm sure Greene would disagree with my mentor's assertion that you'll always carry boxes in PR, at least in the sense of establishing your credibility as a powerful leader.  Others leadership gurus would say you need to roll up your sleeves to gain the support of your team. 

What do you think about carrying boxes?  Good or bad leadership strategy?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

5 Lessons I've Learned About Freelancing So Far




Snazzy new logo? Check.  Website? Check.  Solid business plan? Well, sort of.

Just over six months ago, I started a freelance communications business.  With two decades of industry experience under my belt, including 7 years owning an agency, I was ready to truly work on my own.  When I shared my plans to go solo with acquaintances, the response ran the gamut from, “You’ll be surprised how hard it is to make a go of it” to “They’ll be lining up to pay for your services as soon as you hang out a shingle”.  The advice was well-intentioned but not particularly helpful as the people who provided it were speaking from their personal experiences which were informed by the economic environment in which their own freelance endeavours had flourished or floundered.   

I didn’t prepare a formal business plan when I started and it would have been a waste of time if I had because the ups and downs of these two quarters have helped me clarify the kind of work I truly enjoy, the emerging trends I need to focus on and the amount of hours I want to spend building my business and more importantly, my personal brand.  I also know that meaningful freelance work will always be a part of my life, even if I choose to become an employee or take a contract somewhere.

As I completed my own mid-year review, I challenged myself to write the five most valuable lessons I’ve learned so far.  Here they are:

1. Flex time isn’t free time – As a freelancer, you need to be hyper-vigilant about carving out, organizing and protecting your work time.  Sure, you can do your grocery shopping on a Wednesday morning but in order to meet client deadlines, you’ll probably spend a sunny Saturday afternoon holed up in front of your computer.  The ability to work when and where you want is a selling feature of the freelance life but if you’re easily distracted, it’s probably not the life for you.

2. Do what you do best – When you freelance, there is no workforce, team or department to share your mistakes, absorb your poor judgement or fix your mediocre work.  It’s just you and while it’s tempting to be a jack of all trades, you need to zero in on your strengths and build your business around them.  Work only with clients who are a good fit with your skills, approach and expertise and only accept assignments you know you can excel at.

3. Build your brand relentlessly - If a potential client Googles you, what will they find? If you’re a freelance communicator, their search should reveal a current website, a showcase of your content in the form of a blog or newsletter, a professional presence on Twitter and Linked In, examples of how you give back to the industry through volunteering or mentorship.  You need to make time to cultivate a professional reputation that goes beyond your paid work.

4. Network strategically – As a sole practitioner, you can spend your life in coffee meetings.  A few will yield paid work eventually.  Others will spark new friendships.  Some will frankly be a waste of time – time that could have been spent meeting deadlines, building your brand or learning something new.  Networking is imperative to your success but decide how many hours you will devote to it and be judicious about how you approach it.

5. Learn to say no – The word “no” is a freelancer's best friend so learn to use it and use it with conviction.  Say “no” to people who want you to work for free, family members who need you to pick up dry-cleaning, work that doesn’t fit your abilities, and endless, drawn-out RFP processes with minimal chance of success.  Learning how to effectively say “no” will enable you to say “yes” to more of the things that will make you happy.



Friday, January 8, 2010

New Year's Resolutions for a More Civil Society

They say if we don't learn from history we're doomed to repeat it and yet, despite multiple failures, each January many of us resolve to stop doing some things (e.g. smoking), do less of some things (eating) or do more of other things (exercise). Statistics show that most of us lose our momentum after about six weeks, as the heady exhilaration of January 1st gives way to the dreary reality of mid-February. And yet, hope springs eternal. Each New Year's Day brings the promise that this year we will be more diligent, less prone to temptation, tougher on ourselves. We will succeed.

This year, in keeping with my increased interest in all things etiquette, I decided to focus my resolutions on things that would help me be a more civil participant in the human race. I have chosen these resolutions for a couple of reasons. The first is purely self-serving in the sense that they don't involve dragging my exhausted self to the gym at 6 a.m. on a weekday morning, saying no to chocolate or limiting myself to one glass of wine. In fact, they can all be seamlessly integrated into the normal course of a day. The second and more important reason is that, despite my interest and passion for manners, I am a work in progress, constantly stifling my baser insticts as I strive to move through the world in a more civil way. I'll let you know how I'm doing six weeks from now.

1. Limit the use of profanity - From time to time, we find ourselves in a situation in which it seems no other word in the English language will suffice to express our level of shock, horror, rage, etc. as adequately as dropping an F-bomb. One simple four-letter word conveys so much and immediately signals the gravity of a crisis. But we can do better, non? Resorting to expletives is crass and unimaginative. Cultivate a richer vocabulary so you can rant in style.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt - If there are people out there whose only interaction with me was on the worst day of my life, they must hold a very low opinion of me and likewise, I have come across many horrid creatures in my day and walked away feeling that I have the full measure of that person...and it's not pleasant. But everyone has bad days, when the world conspires against you and after hours of mounting frustration, you finally snap on whatever hapless soul happens to be in the line of fire. Try to reserve judgement of anyone until you know them better. On the flip side, if you've given someone many opportunities to display their good side and you still haven't seen it, stop wasting your time.

3. Personalize whenever possible - If you read this blog regularly ( thank you!) you'll know I am not a fan of the group e-mail, holiday card, announcement, etc. I have heard all the arguments for why this approach is efficient, necessary, acceptable, etc. but I believe that relationships are created and maintained with a personal touch. As much as possible, ask, thank and apologize to people personally.

4. Three little words - And while we're on the subject of asking, thanking and apologizing, never underestimate the power of these words: Please, Thank You and I'm Sorry. I promise you that it is not possible to say them enough or to overuse them. In fact, I wager that the majority of full-on fights in intimate, social and business settings could be alleviated or avoided all together with these words.

5. Complain in the right way - I am a consumate complainer. By that I mean that, when I encounter poor service, I express myself to as many people as will listen. Let it be noted that I also provide feedback on excellent service as well. But there is a way to complain and a chain of events that one must go through in order to do it properly. Start with the person who is the source of your ire and give them a chance to explain and/or apologize. If the individual in question does not care, you are free to speak with their manager and to keep going until you get the resolution you desire. If you keep it clean and professional, it's acceptable to complain on Twitter, but not until you have at least attempted to resolve the situation through mainstream channels.

6. Count to ten - One of the reasons I became interested in etiquette is that I am blessed with a very short temper (a family trait passed on by my father). In my early 20s, it controlled me and, realizing that I couldn't go through life being a servant to this very unpredictable master, I started to find ways to keep it under wraps. Like many traits we're born with, it never really goes away, but I've learned various techniques to tame it. One is the old cliche of counting to ten. It really works: sends the rage back down to the pit of my stomach where it belongs and stops harsh words from forming in my mouth.

7. Lose the desire to be right - I'm one of those people who hates to be wrong. Isn't everyone? And if there's one thing that really irks me, it's when people argue with me about factual things that are easy to prove. Someone told me a long time ago that if I could lose the desire to be right, I would be much happier and I've been struggling with it ever since. Of course, there are many occasions in life when there is a need to set the record straight or defend oneself from unfair accusations. But there are also many less drastic situations where simply saying "I must have been mistaken" evaporates the tension and improves a relationship.

8. It's not all about you - I have two business acquaintances (who shall remain nameless) who know absolutely nothing about me. Why? Because they've never asked. It's not that they haven't had the chance. We've spent lots of time together, much of it in social settings, but they have never felt the need to ask me anything about my life. Of course I know a lot about them - their wedding plans, difficulty finding a housecleaner, life goals, etc. but I have not been given a chance to reciprocate. As humans, we love to talk about ourselves. It's only natural! But, remember to ask after each other. Even if you are profoundly uninterested in another's life, etiquette dictates that you at least inquire about the basic things - family, summer holidays, new job, etc.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Don't mean to burst your bubble but...

I have a confession. I swallow my gum and I have done so for my whole life. If my kindergarten playmate Georgina was right, then I have a gigantic ball of gum in my stomach that, even as I type, is strangling my intestines and ensuring a slow and painful death. We now know that while gum cannot be broken down in the normal way, it does eventually, make its way out of our systems.

Even as a tike, I was concerned about the etiquette of proper gum disposal and just couldn't bear the thought of holding chewed gum in my hands.


Today, gum, and how people chew it, is among my top five etiquette pet peeves so I thought I'd share a few tips on how to be a choiceful chewer.

It's not a spectator sport - What is it with gum that turns normally polite people into loud, insensitive boors? If you insist on chewing it, please keep your mouth closed. Chewing gum with your mouth open is a disgusting habit. Nobody wants to see the inside of your gaping maw every three seconds as you go through the mastication process.

Just say no to crack(ing) - I'm not sure why gum-chewing is such a noisy endeavour for so many people but it is exceedingly annoying for those in your proximity. I suspect that chronic chewers keep the same piece in their mouth for so long that eventually it's just a small, hard ball which rattles against their teeth causing that incessant snapping sound. You may not know you're doing it but it's driving everybody crazy.

Don't multi-task - In a professional setting, it's almost impossible to chew gum and speak at the same time. If you are in a meeting, job interview, presentation or any other situation in which you will be speaking to others with the intention of impressing them, ditch the gum beforehand.

Dispose with dignity - Evidence of our dwindling etiquette litters North American sidewalks in the form of hardened, black circles of used gum. The act of spitting out one's gum is a bit of a faux-pas pileup: you're spitting, littering and defacing in one fell swoop. When the gum in your mouth has lost its lustre, your civil options are: swallowing it, removing it with your hands and placing it in a garbage receptable, or, if there isn't one close, wrapping it in a napkin or piece of paper for disposal later. If at all possible, removing gum from one's mouth should be in private.

Friday, August 28, 2009

A Great Example of Class in a Careless World

Like many bloggers, I often use this forum as an opportunity to rant and becuase my focus is etiquette in modern society, or the lack thereog, sadly, there is no shortage of fodder for my soapbox.

But today, I have the privilege of sharing a good news story - an old-fashioned gesture of class and gratitude that is just too rare these days.

We had a delivery in our office yesterday. We get many deliveries in the course of a day but this one was extra special with a cherry on top. It was a box containing 12 cupcakes from Sugar Baking - six with chocolate frosting and six with vanilla frosting. Might I add, the best chocolate frosting ever!

Our surprise benefactor? The stylish Ian Capstick, owner of Media Style, seasoned communicator and passionate advocate of social media.

Opening the box elicited squeals of delight from my colleagues as we racked our brains to remember what we could have done to deserve such a welcome and delicious treat on a Thursday afternoon. When nothing sprung to mind, I got in touch with Mr. Capstick himself, who said simply that he liked reading our blogs, appreciated retweets from our staff and enjoyed meeting with my business partner, Martin Waxman, a couple of months ago.

In my etiquette training, people often ask if it's really necessary for them to send thank you cards for large gestures - business referrals, weekends at the cottage, job interviews. I sometimes need to convince them that it's not only worth it, but an obligation. And, here is an example of someone who sent sweet treats, simply to say, "Hey, I like what you're doing".

A surprising, and very encouraging show of class in a world where too often, we forget to say thank you.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Loose Lips Sink Ships...or Trains


Dear Incessant Cell Phone User:

I would recognize your voice anywhere. After all, I had to listen to it for five hours straight on the train yesterday. You probably didn’t notice me at all. I tend to keep a low profile on train trips and use them as a time to relax and unwind. But I noticed you. How could I not? You kept me and several other passengers entertained with your non-stop cell phone conversations. I guess you didn’t hear the announcement suggesting passengers keep cell phones on vibrate for the comfort of other guests. I guess it didn’t occur to you that perhaps your captive audience would have preferred to pass the time without the soundtrack of your business dealings.

I know what you do for a living. I know all about your company. I know what clients you represent, what their annual revenues are, which ones are gearing up for an IPO and who is currently working a name change through the legal system. I know who you called to pitch new business and I heard your tips for dealing with the SEC. I know your full name, how to spell it, your phone number and your e-mail address. We all heard when you spelled it out for that guy you were talking to about funding.

Miss Manners likes to say “polite people don’t hear things they’re not supposed to hear” and she’s right. I’m not a nosy person and, had I not been traveling alone, chances are I wouldn’t have paid so much attention to your conversations. But you were right behind me, I was by myself, my iPOD battery was dead and I had only a book to keep me company. You were speaking so loudly that I couldn’t help but overhear.

I must say, I admire your tenacity. You worked hard on that train trip. You used up every single minute working that phone. You obviously work very hard for your clients and they are lucky to have you as their representative.

But, in case you’ve forgotten, let me just take a moment to remind you of the basics of cell phone etiquette.
- One should try to refrain from using a cell phone in a place where others cannot escape from you ( a speeding train qualifies)
- One should try to refrain from using a cell phone within 10 feet of another person
- One should try to refrain from disclosing sensitive information on a crowded train

Best of luck with your future endeavours.

p.s. Hope things work out with the boat.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

An Obituary for the RSVP


An Obituary for the RSVP

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of RSVP, one of the finest examples of traditional European finery to cross the Atlantic. RSVP took his last breath on Saturday, quietly at home, surrounded by his close friends, the thank you card and the little wave when you let someone in front of you on the highway. Sadly many of RSVP's most cherished friends are also in poor health, having themselves succumbed to decades of atrophy and disrespect.

Although his final days were but a remnant of his earlier glory, RSVP enjoyed almost two centuries of respect and commanded a place of honour at gatherings across North America, whether they be gala affairs or backyard BBQs. In fact, there was a time when simply including RSVP at your event elevated it to a higher level of sophistication.

RSVP's storied life began in his native France where he was known as Repondez, s'il vous plait. In that country, RSVP enjoyed the same level of affection bestowed upon other well-known cultural icons including Edith Piaff and the Eiffel Tower. RSVP was well into middle age when he was lured across the pond to play a starring role at the parties of Americans who were experiencing newfound wealth and status due to the industrial revolution. Initially skeptical of this new land, as the years passed, RSVP grew to like and even embrace North Americans with the same fervour he had once reserved for his beloved France. Thad Manners, a biographer of RSVP, affectionately refers to this period in time as his "hayday" noting that in those days, RSVP was so highly regarded, those who showed up at an event without him were often turned away.

RSVP's health started to deteriorate about 50 years ago and, despite the best care from the world's most renowned etiquette physicians, attempts to restore his youthful vigour, were in vain. Always a class act, RSVP eventually accepted that nothing could be done and chose to live out his remaining days in relative obscurity. He made a rare public appearance a year ago, when he was coaxed out of retirement to receive a lifetime achievement award at a White House ceremony in his honour but, upon arriving, he was devastated to find that many of the guests no longer respected him and some didn't even know who he was. Like so many of these awards, it was bestowed too late in life to have any impact on his reputation.

Humiliated and beaten down, RSVP retreated to his summer home in Provence where it is said, he found a level of contentment and was able to forgive everyone who had treated him so shabbily in his later years.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The place where time stands still


Few things in life put the brakes on our hyper-digital, fast-moving society than standing in line at the bank. The whole in-person bank experience harkens back to a kinder, gentler and infinitely SLOWER time in history.

Yesterday, my business partner Martin and I walked to our bank to make a simple deposit. I won't reveal the identity of the bank, but, suffice to say, it's a large national one. Our intention was to do our business at the ATM, normally a routine 60-second transaction. Alas, it was out of order so we stepped inside (and back in time) to deposit a cheque the old-fashioned way and deal with a human being.

It's been a while since I've been inside a bank. I had forgotten how deserted they can be in the mid-morning. This particular site is actually quite aesthetically-pleasing. It has high ceilings, lots of white space and and the serenity of a library. Ceiling fans whirred above us and the staff (most of whom were sitting and chatting with each other) seemed to speak in hushed tones. and move in slow motion. There was no one in line and four tellers available so we were immediately served by a lovely, yet reserved gentleman. That's the good news. The bad news is, for some reason, what takes 60 seconds at the ATM took 10 minutes at the teller and consists of odious filling out of forms, answering of questions and signing of documents. I had also forgotten how difficult it is to sign a form using that pen that is physically attached to the counter with a 10-inch non-pliable wire.

My companion decided that, since we were already at the teller, it would be a good time to request a U.S. bank draft, something that was on his "to do" list. Bad idea! That took another 10 minutes with more forms to complete in triplicate. The capper came when the teller went to print the draft only to find out that not one, but two printers were malfunctioning. After minutes of pulling out and jiggling all of the wires and cables from the back of the machinery to no avail, a manager was summoned, the problem was fixed and the document was printed. I know it was a manager because unlike the tellers, his name badge had both a first and last name while the other employees, like Madonna, went only by their first names.

Throughout all of this, I was struck by complete lack of any sense of urgency exhibited by the people who work there. Even at the zenith of the printer debacle, no one appeared to be particularly phased. The funny thing was, I wasn't even upset. Granted, I didn't have anywhere important to go after that, but somehow, the slowed atmosphere calmed me in a way no yoga class ever has.

Finally, feeling good about a job well done, our teller asked if there was anything else he could help with. There was neither a hint of irony, nor any trace of the need to apologize for keeping us waiting so long. Most service-oriented businesses, upon delaying their clients waiting, will mumble at least a cursory, even fake apology. But not here, just a smile and an placid gaze which left me feeling that some insitutions are untouchable.

The next time I'm feeling overwhelmed with the fast pace of life today, I'll go stand in line at a bank. That will jolt me out of my nostalgic reverie.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A customer service experience from Abbot and Costello

Because this is an etiquette blog, I like to share customer service stories - both good and bad. This one doesn't really fit into either category. It's more bizarre than anything else.

For reasons I won't go into, I find myself having to take a three-hour bus trip this Friday. I visited greyhound.ca, the Canadian version of the bus company's consumer website to check out schedules and fares. I am delighted to find that they have an online purchasing option. I choose my date, time and fare and attempt to proceed to the actual purchasing part but alas, I am foiled. It won't let me. But that's okay. I am informed that I can call a toll-free number to get technical help. I dial the number. An automated attendant asks if I'm travelling in Canada or the U.S. I find this odd since I got the number from the Canadian website. When I tell the computer that I'm travelling within Canada, she tells me I need to dial the Canadian number and provides it. I dial the number. I get another automated attendant and after pressing numerous buttons in an attempt to reach a live person, I am connected to an agent.

The agent is lovely and polite. I tell him I had trouble purchasing my ticket online and he explains that this is because the website doesn't actually offer the capacity to purchase tickets online. This, of course, is in direct opposition to the flashing button that encouraged me to PURCHASE MY TICKETS ONLINE but I digress.

I ask if I can purchase the ticket through him and he agrees. Once the transaction is complete he tells me that Greyhound cannot guarantee that I will actually get a seat on the bus because it's first-come, first-served. I ask how they can sell tickets in advance and then not guarantee seats and he explains that it is "greyhound policy". He tells me that in order to actually guarantee my seat, I can cancel my order with him and purchase it from the actual station at any point between now and Friday afternoon, or, arrive one hour ahead of departure. Both of these options will cost me an additional $5.

Sensing my confusion, he asks if he can help with anything else. I politely tell him that no, I'm watching my blood pressure, and thank him for my time.

Is the human animal's capacity for complicating even the most routine of transactions not amazing?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Are Today's Kids the Rudest Ever?


On vacation last week, I read this story about how today's kids might just be the rudest ever. I'm sad to say that, since both of mine were at that point, banished to their bedroom for exessively rude behaviour, I thought it might be true. I comforted myself with the knowledge that, although my boys had behaved deplorably, the fact that they were, at this very moment, facing the consequences of their actions, meant that they would eventually learn the value of kindness right?

I tend to agree with the author that today's tykes are bolder, more brazen and quicker to offer an opinion than those of earlier generations. When I was little, kids were seen and not heard. This is not necessarily a good thing but I don't recall ever being asked for my thoughts on what we would be having for dinner never mind if a teacher should be challenged for disciplining me. If I came home and told my parents that I had been reprimanded at school, their first question was always the same: "What did you do?" followed by "I'm sure you wouldn't have gotten into trouble if you didn't deserve it". The discussion usually ended there. Today, if a child gets into trouble, many parents act as their lawyer, arranging meetings with the principal, speaking in their defense and brokering agreements.

As the article points out, the self-esteem epidemic that many Gen Xrs and late Boomers have perpetuated with their children can have unintended negative consequences. According to pediatrician Dr. Philippa Gordon, "It may well be that today's parents are so fixated on their children's emotional wellbeing that they're teaching them that the well-being of others is comparatively unimportant." A friend of mine who is a flight attendant, regularly tells stories of youngsters snapping their fingers and barking orders at her while their parents tap away on BlackBerries or read, magazines in the next seat, blissfully ignorant of their child's rudeness or worse still, aware of it and unperturbed.

Years of being told that they are wonderful for simply existing can result in a rude awakening when 20-something grads are thrust into the workforce and find out that they might just be fairly ordinary after all. Dr. Jean Twenge, a professor at San Diego State University writes about this in her book, Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled, and More Miserable Than Ever Before. According to Twenge, we have moved from true self esteem, which is based on accomplishments to self esteem based on nothing but narcissism. Is it any wonder, when popular television shows feature young men and women crying on camera because they were eliminated from the opportunity to be the fake friend of a Hollywood socialite who has, despite overwhelming privilege, accomplished nothing with her life?

As a parent of two boys, I work really hard to teach them the importance of manners and respect for other people. But, I probably also tell them I love them every single day, which is a hallmark of my generation of parenting. I hope I'm not giving them too much self esteem. How much is too much?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Five Easy Ways to Celebrate National Cellphone Courtesy Month

Yes folks, it's that time of year again that I know you've all been waiting for - National Cellphone Courtesy Month. What's that? You weren't even aware that there was such a thing? Well I'm shocked. Surely you don't think that there's no need for it. Perish the thought.

Fellow etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore first declared July National Cellphone Courtesy Month in 2002 and sadly, it's still necessary, maybe even more so. Why, just a few weeks ago, President Obama had to interupt a speech because someone's cell phone, with a quacking duck ringtone no less, was going off. If the leader of the free world doesn't merit cell phone etiquette, is there any chance for the rest of us?

Wanna prove that you're not a total cretin when it comes to cell phone use? Here are my five tips for celebrating National Cellphone Courtesy Month. I'm sure you can abide by at least one of them for the rest of July.

1. Turn it off - That's right, I said it. Does it really need to be on all the time? Are you SO important? Next time you go for dinner or to a movie, just turn it right off. I'm not talking about putting it on mute or vibrate. I mean, press that big old red button that turns the screen black and put it at the bottom of your purse or pocket. Your date will thank you.

2. Prioritize real people - A real person, that is one who happens to be standing right in front of you ALWAYS takes priority over a virtual person. Simple as that. If you answer calls, respond to e-mails or send text messages while talking to another human, you are sending a message that they are unimportant to you. And we don't want to do that now, do we?

3. If you must answer... - Okay, I get it. You're so important that there are times you absolutely can't turn off your phone or ignore the beeping. Maybe you're waiting to find out that you've been cast in the latest installment in the Twilight franchise. Or you're about to "bag the elephant" client you've been chasing for months. Just have the decency to let people know ahead of time. Here's how: "I must apologize in advance. I'm waiting for a really important call and might have to answer my phone during our discussion". Simple!

4. Don't trap people - Unless your house is burning down, please try to limit cell phone use in any place where people cannot escape from you. This includes bank lineups, grounded airplanes, elevators and, shudder, bathroom stalls. There is nothing more ingratiating than having to listen to someone drone on in a loud voice about their plans for redecorating the guest room, the trials and tribulations of their love life or their latest "player" exploits. Yes, boastful jerk on the tarmac at Dorval. You know who you are.

5. Ditch the cute ring tones - Especially if the statute of limitations on your eligibility to join a frat house has expired. This is particularly relevant for employees who are looking to broaden their horizons. Nothing says "I'm not ready to be promoted" like Mr. T's voice blaring every time your phone goes off. Of course, if you're at work, it shouldn't really be on...Refer to point #1.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Friends don't let friends get spammed

According to the authors of SEND: Why People Email So Badly and How To Do It Better, 100 billion unsolicited commercial e-mail messages are sent everyday and the average North American white collar worker gets 50,000 to 100,000 e-mails per year. It's easy to point the finger at faceless spammers and naive do-gooders who pass on warnings about lurking viruses or poorly-written missives that we must "immediately share with ten friends in order for something good to happen".

But what about people we know? Friends, family members, colleagues and acquaintances who share our e-mail addresses without our permission or include us in the To list of their group vacation updates so everyone else can see our personal or professional e-mail. I'm sure many of them don't mean to be rude, perhaps they don't even think about it but the fact is, it's not okay to share someone's e-mail address with another person without their permission, especially if, in doing so, you expose them to unsolicited, unwanted e-mails. Even worse, "friends" who share your e-mail address with people who have something to sell without your permission: "Hi Ann, I thought you'd like to meet my friend Steve. His company makes the most amazing widgets. Steve, feel free to e-mail your catalogue to Ann. "

I found myself in this situation recently. At a networking event, I met someone who expressed interest in partnering with a current client of mine. I took his card and when I returned to the office, I called the client and asked if he would be interested in an e-mail introduction. He said "yes" so I called the gentleman I had met, confirmed his interest and asked if it would be okay to include his contact information in an introductory e-mail. He also said "yes" and so I composed an e-mail to introduce them to each other and they've now set up a meeting. Time consuming? Yes but proper e-mail etiquette.

There are occasions where it's acceptable to share e-mail addresses but only if a relationship - professional or personal - has already been established. For example, I could include the e-mail address of a coworker in a welcome message to a new client. Or, if I am a board member of a professional organization, I wouldn't be surprised to find my e-mail address, along with those of the other board members, in the To line. We have a prior, established relationship with a clear objective and an understood code of professionalism.

However, if one of those board members decided to include the addresses of the others in an e-mail to an outsider about a separate fundraising event, without their prior permission, it would no longer qualify as appropriate netiquette.

Rule of thumb: if you apologize anywhere in your e-mail for the way in which you're handling the communication (e.g. "sorry for the mass e-mail, I don't usually do this"), you might want to rethink it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Please excuse me, I'm Canadian, thank you very much

Is there such a thing as being too polite?

Canadians are known as a "polite people". Ask someone in any other country what comes to mind when you say "Canadian" and politeness will inevitably come up, along with reserved, conservative and hockey-mad. My personal list also includes tolerant, easy-going, peace-loving and multicultural...but I digress.

According to some thinkers, our global do-gooder reputation is starting to hurt us. Best-selling author Patrick Lencioni, author of books with great titles like Death by Meeting and The Five Disfunctions of a Team, suggests that our preocupation with politeness will affect our ability to come out of the economic downturn.

Speaking recently in Toronto, he suggested that Canadian business leaders are conflict-avoidant and as a result will try to avoid some of the tough decisions that need to be made to steer their organizations out of the recession, choosing instead to focus on external factors over which they have no control. This just leads to increased organizational angst because as everyone knows, when conflict is not dealt with at the top, it doesn't go away, it just migrates down the line where it plays out in other (mostly unpleasant) ways.

He argues that, if Canadian executives were not so afraid of conflict, they could use this time as an opportunity to be honest about their organizational strength and carefully refine the team, ideas and strategies. Alas, this means shaking things up, being willing to step on toes and embrace conflict and that's just not us, is it?

I'm not sure I agree completely. On the one hand, I feel that it is our conservative Canadian value system that has kept our financial institutions in check and healthy at a time when banks are collapsing all over the world. Yeah for that! But, I feel that our fear of conflict (especially among our elected officials) is also what enabled a large group of protesters waving a terrorist flag to close down important city streets in Toronto for days in a row, bringing traffic to a standstill and inconveniencing thousands.

There's a difference between being polite and being a doormat. It's possible to make the tough, sometimes unpopular, decisions without resorting to chainsaw tactics. I wager that you can be polite, classy AND tough as nails. It's all in the delivery.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Growing "list-less" with e-mail mailing lists

subscribe: v. 1 intr. (often foll by to) arrange to receive a periodical, service or a series of tickets in exchange for payment

unsubscribe: v.intr: remove oneself from a mailing list, esp. computer, etc.

I looked up these two words in the dictionary this morning because I am slowly going mad due to an upsurge in the volume of unsolicited marketing e-mails, newsletters, promotional offers, updates, etc. I receive.

This is not garden-variety SPAM. There are real people and organizations behind these online sales pitches and for some reason, they are labouring under the misconception that I am interested in their particular product or service. I could be, but the fact that they're sending it to me in bulk format with no personalization, tells me that they have not bothered to find out anything about me and are just playing the odds. Just this week I've been encouraged to redeem my frequent flier miles at an exciting new tropical destination, directed to a career website where I will find a fabulous new employee and invited to attend a marketing conference at Disneyworld.

I am a fanatical unsubscriber. If someone takes the time to send me a personal e-mail marketing their services, I will usually always respond but if I am the unwitting recipient of a bulk e-mail, I usually search for the unsubscribe button right away.

But this brings me back to my original point. In order to UN-subscribe from something, would I not need to have SUBscribed in the first place? Any time I am involved in any sort of transaction, via the Internet or snail mail, I fervently request not to receive any kind of follow-up promotional material. I scan the pages for the little box that indicates that I don't want to receive anything. I check it and then, just to be safe, I add a note reiterating my desire to be left alone. I never give personal information at a store check-out and I politely decline offers for those customer cards that entitle me to a free coffee after I buy 12 or some such thing.

But it doesn't work. Through a legal loophole in the privacy laws or flagrant disregard of them, they send me stuff anyway. I am currently receiving e-mail from some organizations from which I have unsubscribed several times. Each time I receive a pleasant follow-up e-mail telling me that while they're sad to see me go, my name will be removed from the list. Alas, no.

What's a girl to do? Any e-mail marketing experts out there who have a recommendation on how I can ebb the flow?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A good time to ditch the rules of etiquette?

If you haven't read Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers yet, I strongly suggest you add it to your list. In a nutshell, the book explores all of the various factors that need to come together for someone to be highly successful in a chosen field. Hint: it's not just talent and practice. To make his point, he looks at how things like date of birth, family, cultural legacy, friendships and luck play a role in an individual's success.
On the flip side, Gladwell devotes some time on the role of culture in the failure of certain operations in a chapter called The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes. To demonstrate this, he suggests that certain airlines were experiencing an above-average frequency of crashes because the cultural legacy of their personnel prevented the co-pilot from speaking up when the pilot made an error. The etiquette of the airline's home country was so steeped in layers of hierarchy that, even when faced with slamming into a mountain at 100 miles an hour, "underlings" could only hint at what lay ahead. To be direct about it would be a violation of their etiquette code.
Gladwell's assertion that something as seemingly obtuse as a plane crash can be chalked up to cultural background has received mixed reviews but I found it interesting that lives might have been saved had the shackles of old-world etiquette been loosened a bit. Digging deeper, he explains that Eastern speech methods are based on a lot of direct and nonverbal communications that support the words spoken while the Western approach to speech is much more concrete and direct. In Eastern cultures, the onus is on the listener to decide what has been communicated by coupling the words with the nonverbal signals. In a Western setting, it's up to a speaker to make sure her words are correctly interpreted.
I prefer the direct approach but, of course, it's what I know and what I'm comfortable with. But, in an increasingly global culture, this story highlights the need to be aware of cultural differences in etiquette expectations when doing business in other countries.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

A Tale of Two Cities

Last year, I travelled regularly throughout the U.S. on business. As an etiquette consultant, I'm always on the lookout for service that is exceptional or disappointing. Regardless of my experience, I usually take the time to share my perspective with management in a constructive way. As a business owner myself, I would want to know if my clients were less than pleased so that I could investigate the problem and find solutions.

In November, I experienced service levels at opposite ends of the spectrum during back-to-back stays at two hotels. One is a grand hotel in the old tradition and the other is of the newer boutique variety, but their rates are about the same (in the range of US $400 to $600 per night). My stay at The Ritz Carlton Tyson's Corner, Virginia, was excellent from start to finish. It is a beautiful property whose staff take delight in meeting your needs and who are able to fulfill any request - extra pillows, cold medication, shipping items home - almost immediately. The room service, dining and overall attention to detail was above par on every level.

From there I moved on to a trendy hotel in Manhattan where I was hosting a group of 30 guests. I had a detailed contract outlining what I could expect in return for bringing so much business their way and had paid the full cost in advance for extras like pre-arrival check-in so members of my party wouldn't stand in line. Despite the anticipated arrival of a large group, the hotel had a minimal amount of staff, who seemed to spend most of their time talking among themselves, as guests opened doors and struggled with baggage. The hotel had also inexplicably scheduled a computer upgrade for the day of our arrival which crashed their system and resulted in my guests having to be checked in with pen and paper by the one available desk attendant. Room service was sloppy and simple requests required tracking down staff who were usually ill-equipped to help. Case in point - when the business centre photocopier ran out of toner, the concierge asked me to replace it myself. I was prepared to comply out of desperation but was unable to as no one knew where the extra toner was stored.


Upon my return to Toronto, I wrote letters to the owners and managers of both properties. In my letter to the Ritz Carlton, I raved about the service and asked that my feedback be shared with the hotel staff. To the manager of the Manhattan hotel, I politely expressed my disappointment, invoked phrases from our signed contract, and asked that my concerns be addressed in a timely manner.

Within a couple of weeks, the general manager of the Ritz Carlton wrote back, thanking me for the kind words and committing to share my praise with his staff. A month later, I received a two-line e-mail from a staff member at the Manhattan hotel, who had 'intercepted' my letter to his boss. He said that he was conducting an investigation and would get back to me. Alas, that was the last I heard of him, despite a couple of follow-up e-mails on my part.

This reinforces my belief that organizations which are committed to outstanding service make it a priority on every level. Etiquette dictates that it is not necessary to respond to a thank you letter but the best companies feel the need to acknowledge the time you took to write one. On the other hand, an organization whose indifference to clients is evident from the moment you walk in the door, can hardly be expected to flip into service mode when they receive a complaint.
I make it my business comment on my experiences with service personnel, whether it's a coffee shop or luxury resort, and I'm happy to say I spend as much time praising as I do complaining. When I'm doing the latter, I often receive an apology, occasionally receive restitution and sometimes, am completely ignored which is the most frustrating of all.

Like most humans, usually I'm just happy to have someone acknowledge my existence and listen to me. You can thank me, disagree with me, even shout at me. Just don't ignore me please. My fragile ego can't take it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Impeccable Imperative

The notion of living life in an impeccable way is an ancient one. It was part of the teachings of Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus and is a frequent maxim in the discourse of new age self help gurus.

But what does it mean to be impeccable? My trusty Oxford Canadian Dictionary tells me it is to behave in a way which is both faultless and exemplary. Wow, that’s a tall order!
With all of the balls we have in the air today, who has time to be completely without fault, never mind set an example for others. That’s just too much pressure right?.

While there are saints among us who are profoundly kind to all they meet, giving of themselves and generally making the world a better place, most of us operate in a zero balance state – comfortable in the knowledge that we didn’t intentionally ruin anyone else’s day but conscious that there are occasions where we could have acted with more grace or class.

But this might be a rare case where technology can have a positive impact on etiquette. 50 per cent of Canadians over the age of 18 own a cell phone, most of which have the annoying ability to take photographs, anytime, anywhere, stripping us of our privacy and reminding us of the need to live impeccably. We are never alone anymore and, actions that cast us in an unfavourable light, can be captured and shared with the world.

So, how about living life under the assumption that everything you do or say in public is could show up in tomorrow’s newspaper or tonight’s evening news. Will you show more compassion, kindness and benevolence? Would you smile serenely at ingrates who cut you off in traffic or take more than eight items into the express checkout? Could you, by necessity, become a better person?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Will it make you proud when you're 50?

At age 15, I asked my parents if I could get a tattoo. They responded with some sound advice - tattoos are permanent and you don't want to do anything that will embarrass you when you're older. I chose not to proceed with my little rebellion and have no regrets. But times have changed. Tattoos can be removed and anyway, they're not the white-collar career killer they once were. In fact, in creative circles, they can be viewed as a sign of innovative self-expression, or, even more telling, ignored completely.

I often think of my parents' sage advice when I hear stories about today's jobhunters whose past decisions have come back to haunt them on the Internet. Unfortunately, it's a lot easier to thwart your future career aspirations these days. With a click and a keystroke, young people can sentence themselves to a lifetime of embarrassment as potential employers unearth drunken karaoke performances, poses in various stages of undress, or hateful diatribes typed in the heat of anger. And even if they don't post the offending items themselves, there's nothing to stop well-meaning (or coldly calculating) friends from doing it for them.

I don't judge these kids. Rather, I am thankful that these tools did not exist when I was young and foolish because I most certainly would have been a casualty of their ease and permanence. Long before I was middle-aged and conservative, I too lived in the moment, broke the rules and frequently found myself in situations of which I am not proud. I said things I didn't mean, did things that weren't becoming and sported hairstyles and apparel that was decidedly unflattering.

From an etiquette point of view, social networking sites like Facebook and My Space are almost unworthy of debate. Discretion is one of the pillars of courtesy and the Internet, by its very nature, is exceedingly indiscreet. Sharing only what's relevant, eliminating salacious details and modesty about one's achievements are all essential to good manners.

So, in an age where people are encouraged to air their dirty laundry on talk shows and win reality show competitions by proudly backstabbing their opponents, is there a place for discretion?

I believe so. In the rabble of today's society, discretion helps you stand out from the crowd and as a good friend of mine says, a sense of mystery keeps 'em guessing.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Do what you say, say what you do

Recently, my colleague Martin Waxman, shared an e-mail he had received from a business acquaintance we both know. In content, format and style, it is a fitting example of how even the etiquette-savvy among us get tripped up when using the Internet to do business.

The e-mail's objective was to encourage Martin to purchase tickets for an upcoming event. It should be noted that the event in question was obviously near and dear to the sender's heart, featured a high-profile speaker and had a charitable component. All good things.

What raised the etiquette flag was the way the message was delivered. The e-mail started with Happy New Year and went on to read: "I wanted to send you a personal note...". When I read this, my eyes immediately gravitated up towards the To field, which read: undisclosed-recipient. In my view, a 'personal' note goes out to one person and starts with a personal salutation which includes the recipient's name (e.g. Hi Martin, I wanted to send you a personal note...). You could probably bend this rule if you were sending it to a group that was already in formation or a group small enough in size, that all members could be called out in the body of the e-mail (e.g. Dear PR Club of Canada membes or Hi Martin, Louise and Amy).

I realize in a time-starved world, it's tedious to send 50 separate e-mails when you can, in theory, accomplish the same thing with one. But, in our somewhat impersonal society, don't people deserve to feel they are worthy of a truly personal e-mail, especially when you are asking them to spend money?

In this case, the sender could have easily avoided the etiquette gaffe by simply omitting the word 'personal' and being honest with recipients by apologizing for the mass mailing up-front. A little honesty and humility can go a long way, maybe even encourage people to open their wallets.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Remember the Golden Rule

I recently had the opportunity to hear Pete Blackshaw, author of the great book: Satisfied Customers Tell Three Friends, Angry Customers Tell 3,000. Pete believes that, “thanks to consumer-generated media, even a single disgruntled customer can broadcast his complaints to an audience of millions”.

He also claims that companies with great products and services are losing customers because of poor customer service. I immediately thought of some Canadian organizations which offer high-quality products but have abysmal customer service. In other words, everything is fine until you call the 1-800 line. In one protracted call, the company can destroy all the goodwill it has amassed. Before you know it, you’re part of a community of irate customers swapping nightmarish anecdotes.

Among the more exasperating features of faulty customer service is the repetitive script you’re subjected to while on hold. The last time I found myself praying for Muzak, I whiled away the minutes by jotting down my impression of the real meaning behind these words.

Script: Thank you for calling. We are currently experiencing a larger than normal volume of calls.
Real meaning: Our call volume is the same as it always is but, because we don’t care about your time, we refuse to hire any more operators.

Script: Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.
Real meaning: We know that your (enter deficient product here) is broken and you are so desperate to get it fixed you are willing to wait on the line for an hour.

Script: To help us serve you better, please tell us your account number, phone number, home address, etc.
Real meaning: We’re just keeping you occupied so you don’t realize how much time has passed. When we get you on the line we will drive you nuts by asking for this information again.

Script: While you’re waiting, why not visit our website where you’ll find answers to many of your questions in our FAQ page.
Real meaning: Even though you will most definitely not find what you’re looking for on our website, it is our hope that you’ll be too busy to call back today.

Customer service managers would do well to remember the golden rule of etiquette—treat others as you would like to be treated—when they are developing their consumer interface. If they did, they might not be tempted to use these terrible euphemisms for just plain bad service.