Respect the privacy of your online friends or risk losing them

Hi, I'm Louise and I'm not on Facebook. There, I said it.

I have nothing against the hugely popular social networking site (400 million users and growing) but while I use many online communications tools (including this blog platform) in my professional life, I prefer to "keep my socializing old-school" in my private life. I have a lovely circle of close friends and family members and, by choice or circumstance, we prefer to update each other over dinner or coffee every few weeks rather than electronically every few minutes. I'm also by nature quite a private person, have no desire to reconnect with high school friends or old boyfriends and don't relish the idea of photos of me in the 80s with a Flock of Seagulls haircut floating around in the ether. Neither am I a huge fan of other people's photos. Show me one or two every few months and I'm good. No, really!

I'm also fiercely protective of my children's right to privacy and would not mention their names online never mind post photos of them. As a parent, I believe it's my job to protect them and posting photos online without their consent, photos which will likely still be there when they become adults, is not okay in my books. I realize many parents disagree with me on this and I have heard all the arguments - "but they're password protected", "but it's just photos of them playing soccer, etc.", "but you can increase your privacy settings".

The thing is, if it's online, it could eventually end up somewhere you don't want it to be. In a recent article on online privacy, Toronto police detective Paul Krawczyk likened posting photos of children online to taking 1,000 photos downtown Toronto and leaving them hanging around.

And, it does seem that these online giants take somewhat of a lax approach to changing privacy settings without warning. Last summer, Canada's privacy commissioner ruled that the site's policies were in violation of federal privacy laws and just last week, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg revealed his vision to turn the Internet into one big social network with Facebook at the helm. And Google Buzz came under fire recently for automatically creating public circles of friends for users based on their most frequent e-mail contacts. Both of these actions were tweaked after a public outcry but some of the damage had already been done.

Having said all of this, I have seen some great business applications for Facebook, I know many people of all ages who love it and that, for people below a certain age, it is an essential way to communicate with friends. Everyone has their own gauge of what is and isn't appropriate for them. Perhaps you are unconcerned about sharing the most intimate details of your life with others, but, etiquette dictates that you follow a few simple rules when it comes to respecting the privacy of your friends and co-workers.

Don't post photos of other people's kids online - I am part of a large extended family and during get-togethers, many people casually snap photos without warning. At these events, I am the "downer" reminding everyone not to post photos of my kids or to name them on their Facebook sites. This usually doesn't go over well and many people think I am being needlessly paranoid but etiquette is about being sensitive to the feelings of others so if people are working hard to protect their own privacy you need to respect that. If in doubt, ask for permission.

Don't tag unflattering photos of people - Many times I have rejoiced in the fact that social networking sites did not exist when I was young and my judgement was unreliable. There are enough embarrasing photos of me to fill ten albums but they don't need to be dragged into the present day. When you upload a photo of anyone, you're not just subjecting them to humiliaton, you could also be helping to tarnish their online reputation.

Take a hint - Even people who enjoy social networking sites and use them regularly, have their boundaries. People choose online "friends" based on their own set of criteria. Perhaps they don't want to revisit the glory days of high school. Maybe they're uncomfortable friending employees. Or, maybe they just don't care for you. Ask once and then let it go. Don't be annoying and, if you're over 13, please don't poke people. Would you do that in real life?

Too much information - Resist the urge to use social networking sites as therapy. Whatever you're going through, it will be more productive (and ultimately therapeutic) for you to hash it out in person with a friend, co-worker or, even a therapist. Sharing the gory details of your breakup on your wall and asking others to weigh in is not only very unbecoming, it's unfair to the other person (no matter how angry you are).

Don't share e-mail addresses - The golden rule when it comes to e-mail addresses is that you should never share one without permission. This means, if you would like to introduce two people by e-mail, you need to get permission from both first. Cumbersome maybe but essential if you want to practice good online etiquette. This is especially true if you want to provide an e-mail address to someone who has something to sell, whether it's Tupperware or a graphic design service. If sending a group e-mail to people who do not already know each other, use a bcc list or, better yet, send separate, personal e-mails.

Hopefully this helps. I'll end with two thoughts. If someone has posted an unflattering photo of me on Facebook, please don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss!

Second, if this post has got you thinking about online privacy, Fast Company has published a great guide on how to audit your Facebook privacy settings,

The Importance of Little Lies

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies! Stevie Nicks had the right idea when she implored a potential lover to just tell her what she wanted to hear instead of the truth. I have always loved this song although I never knew why and now I think I do.

On the weekend, I watched The Invention of Lying, a sweet little movie in which the characters live in an alternate reality where no one has ever told a lie and, in fact, no one has the ability to lie. Many things about this mythical world appealed to me immensly. There is no crime or corruption since most criminal acts depend on some kind of subterfuge. People don't have delusions of grandeur because they are unable to fabricate the details of their lives. Everyone knows exactly where they stand with everyone else. On the down-side, there are no novels, movies, plays or anything that would rely on fiction (a lie). And, sadly, people are labelled from birth as ugly, beautiful, intelligent, dim-witted and their destiny is basically marked out for them based on these traits.

Finally, there's no such thing as religion. I guess Ricky Gervais, the writer and main character is making the assumption that all religious texts are made up. If you know me, you know where I stand on this particular point but I won't go into it here.

The fun starts when Gervais' character Mark discovers he has the ability to lie. He tells a bank teller he has $800 in his account when in fact he only has $300, and because she has no concept of deceit, she believes him and gives him the money. He tells an attractive woman that the world will end if she doesn't have sex with him and, panicked, she agrees. However, once the novelty wears off, Mark uses his newfound skill to make people feel better about themselves. He tells slow people they are geniuses, plain people they are stunning and depressed people that they're happy. And they all believe him! Eventually, he's making up fantastical stories all over the place and the masses start to see him as a messiah. A religion is born!

As an etiquette afficionado, I generally don't advocate lying. As an entrepreneur I can get behind the "fake it until you make it" approach to business but overall I consider honesty to be the best policy. In fact, until I watched this movie, I would have told you that I never lie but it brought to light all of the tiny lies that our society is based on and how important those little fibs are to our day-to-day interaction with people.

How many times do we tell people that we're fine when we're not? It's not that we're out to deceive them, it's just that we don't have the time or inclination to share the details and we know that when they asked "how are you", they weren't really interested in the gory details of our lives anyway. If a friend or spouse asks us if they look attractive, fat, thin, etc. our responses are usually a massaged version of the truth or even a bald-faced lie. Our desire to protect their feelings takes precedence over the need to be honest. If someone gives us a gift we hate, we don't say so. We accept it graciously, store it in a closet and display it in the living room when they come to visit. When my husband asks me how much that new bag cost, I artfully shave a few dollars off the total and mumble something about a sale, even if I bought it full-price.

I hadn't really considered all these things as lies until I saw the movie and started to think about all the ways deception is woven into our society. The people in the movie were born into a world without lies and had never known anything else but if we were to suddenly start telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth all the time, I feel it would have an enormous impact on our whole society - good and bad.

We're just not ready for it. Or, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men "you can't handle the truth".

"The Gold Should Have Been Mine" and Other Olympic faux pas

Something happened to me last month. I became a fan of the Olympic Games and not just an occasional fan - an uber fan - and no one was more surprised than me. I have never been interested in the Olympics of either the warm weather or snowy variety. In my view they were an over-politicized, cash grab with hokey pomp and circumstance and an overemphasis on speed and brawn. I went into the 2010 Winter Olympics with the same attitude but on opening day, my kids asked if I would watch the opening ceremonies with them and so I did. I was curious to see how Canada would present itself on the world stage but I wasn't expecting too much and then it happened. I got sucked in! The national pride, beaming athletes, the cool outfits, the home-grown superstars, the special effects, the holographic whales...I was still watching long after the kids went to bed and I was glued to the TV right up until Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal two weeks later.

I'm still not sure how it happened but I'm glad it did. I approached it with a cultivated insoucciance and the next thing I knew, I was racing to the The Bay for official merchandise and chatting about triple toe loops and how shameful it would be if Canada didn't win hockey gold.

So what do the Olympic Games have to do with etiquette? Well, lots apparently. Along with the thrills, spills and chills there were many moments of genuine class and more than a few etiquette blunders. So I decided to award my own gold, silver and bronze medals for Olympic manners.

And the awards for great Olympic etiquette go to...

GOLD - Sydney Crosby - Crosby was interviewed shortly after scoring the winning goal for Canada in the men's hockey finals and when asked how he "did it", he answered in his trademark soft-spoken way that "it just went in". In a sport with so much bravado and chestbeating, it's wonderful to see this young man, one of the best hockey players in the world refer to the goal of his life with such shyness and humility.

SILVER - Julie Chu - When the U.S. Women's Hockey Team lost to Canada, they had the unfortunate role of accepting their silver medal immediately after and therefore were forced to deal with the loss in a public ceremony. This must have been tough and many of them showed it but one of them showed grace under pressure. When Julie Chu accepted her silver medal, she smiled and waved her appreciation to the (mostly Canadian) crowd. She, alone among her teammates, embraced the Olympic spirit.

BRONZE - Sven Kramer - the Dutch speed skater was disqualified shortly after a record-breaking performance that would have almost guaranteed a gold medal. The reason? His coach, momentarily distracted, sent him into the wrong lane. Ouch! Interviewed immediately after, a livid and heartbroken Kramer openly blamed his coach for ruining his Olympic dreams. I'm not an Olympic athlete (or any kind of athlete) but if I had spent my entire life training for one day and someone else pulled the rug out from under me, I'd be mad too. The next day, however, Kramer announced that all was forgiven and together, he and his coach are moving forwards to more victories as a team. Classy!

Honourable Mention: I would be remiss if I didn't include the stellar behaviour of Canadian hockey fans who spilled out into city streets after Canada beat the U.S. in overtime for Olympic gold. The celebration included shouting, hugging, singing and even an impromptu ball hockey game at Yonge & Dundas but no violence, looting or injuries. Just one more reason to believe that "the good old hockey game, it's the best game you can name" as immortalized by Stompin' Tom.

And now for the bad behaviour awards...

GOLD - Evgeni Plushenko - My first thought when I saw the Russian skating star was "boy he needs a new barber" and it went downhill from there. I have no issues with his performance which, in my humble opinion, was spectacular. It was his attitude towards winning a silver medal that nets him a gold medal for bad manners. When it was his turn to go to the second place podium, he unnecessarily climbed over the first place podium to get there. To add insult to injury, he refused to hold his head up during the medal ceremony. An Olympic silver medal is nothing to sneeze at but Plushenko's lack of grace made him an Olympic loser.

SILVER - Eddie McGuire and Mick Molloy - The Australian sports commentators described male ice skaters' routines as "Brokeback Mountain" exercises and said organizers were shocked that one ice skater wasn't gay. Never mind that Olympic calibre ice skating requires a phemonenal level of speed, strength and fitness but is this stuff really still considered funny in 2010? Pathetic!

BRONZE - U.S. Women's Hockey Team - As noted above, Julie Chu accepted her silver medal with grace and enthusiam and put to shame her scowling, crestfallen teammates. I can only imagine how difficult it was to lose such an important game and not have a moment to gain your composure before the medal ceremony. But, it's an Olympic silver medal! It's amazing! And, world-class athletes should have the training and decorum to smile through the pain.

I had to narrow my choices down from many possibilities. I would love to hear your thoughts on Olympic etiquette.

Are You Ready to be Judged on Twitter?

Last weekend, I took my five-year-old to the Royal Ontario Museum for the afternoon. On the way home, we caught the subway at the Yonge/Bloor station and had the pleasure of interacting with a wonderful ticket-taker. She playfully flirted with my son, talking to him about Valentine's Day, let him turn the ticket lever and even gave him a heart-shaped chocolate. He was thrilled and my faith in TTC customer service was renewed a little. I immediately pulled out my Blackberry and tweeted about my positive customer service experience.

If you live in Toronto, you'll know that our public transportation system (TTC) has taken a beating lately for shoddy customer service. While the organization's approach to service has never been stellar, riders frustrated with a recent fare hike, have taken matters into their own hands by posting photos/videos of napping ticket takers and drivers taking seven-minute coffee breaks while riders steam on idling buses. These photos have ended up on the front pages and home pages of media outlets.

By and large, these public "outings" have been supported by Toronto taxpayers, many of whom have grown weary with years of indifference and rudeness on the part of TTC employees. Protests from the union and its members fell on deaf ears because for the most part, TTC ticket takers and drivers have done little over the years to endear themselves to the people they serve and so, when they most needed support, it just wasn't there.

Many TTC employees complained that they were being held to a higher standard because they are public employees and that riders don't know the story behind their rudeness or apathy. Their union decried the nastiness of riders snapping photos and sharing them with the world. The general reaction was basically - if you do a good job and you're pleasant you won't have anything to worry about.

Personally, I don't think it's unreasonable for public employees to be scrutinized by the public. People who work in the private sector are scrutinized by the clients who pay their salaries so why should it be any different in the public sector? While the government jobs may not be glamorous (although some are) they are secure positions with decent pay and good benefits and don't seem to be tied to the ups and downs of the economy. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for them to be so unpleasant.

My experience with the pleasant ticket-taker got me thinking, what if we were all judged on Twitter? What if we all did our jobs knowing that, at any point, someone might tweet about our poor attitude or our great service. Would we complain that it wasn't fair or would we relish the opportunity to be publicly praised for our good works? If I knew that my clients were going to tweet about my company's level of service on Twitter, I might be inspired and encourage my staff to go above and beyond and see who could generate the most positive buzz. We all have off-days and we would hope those wouldn't be the ones that would be profiled but if they were, we would just have to try harder to gain back the trust of our publics.

Are you ready to be judged on Twitter?

Tweeting the not-so-friendly skies

Many of you have heard about director Kevin Smith's ejection from a Southwest Airlines flight. As it happens, I follow Kevin Smith on Twitter and, on Saturday night, during half an hour with nothing to do, I witnessed live, as did many others, Mr. Smith's colourful and vitriolic immediate reaction to this situation. He was obviously enraged and showed no mercy in his expletive-ridden criticism of Southwest Airlines cheered on by his adoring fans/followers.

As an etiquette afficionado, I'm all about customer service and from what I can ascertain, Mr. Smith did not receive the service to which he was entitled. But, while I believe that everyone deserves respect from the organizations with which they deal and I support initiatives which challenge poor treatment of customers, I wonder if immediately taking your frustration viral and saying whatever comes into your head, profanity and all, is the best way of dealing with it.

I always, always follow up on poor service and I strongly urge everyone to do it. As a customer, I feel an obligation to report if a company representative is not living up to an organization's promise and as a business owner, I know how valuable this kind of feedback is to maintaining and nurturuing a positive relationship with my clients.

However, because we live in a society that does not put a premium on human interaction, there are many moments when I have been so insenced by shabby service that my first instinct has been to pull out my Blackberry and start tweeting and, although I'm not a movie director with 1.5 million followers, I do have several hundred followers, most of whom are very engaged in the Twittersphere. In other words, I might be able to do a tiny bit of damage.

But shouldn't we be trying to resolve our issues on a higher level than the ones on which they were created? The service offender in question may have behaved like a cretin but responding in kind just sets off a war of words where the initial issue is forgotten and people take sides withouth having the facts.

So, I usually recommend a complaint hierarchy, if you will, that goes something like this:

Step 1 - Try to resolve the issue with the person who is directly responsible for it
Step 2 - If this doesn't work, think about what you need to resolve the issue (e.g. an apology, a refund) and speak with whoever is in charge of customer service
Step 3 - If you are still not satisfied, go as high in the organization as you can until the situation is resolved to your satisfaction
Step 4 - If you still don't get anywhere, go online for help. Blog about the situation or ask for help on Twitter but be professional and keep it factual.
Step 5 - When the situation is fixed, say thank you

Sadly, this strategy requires patience in the face of mounting anger. Conflicts are usually never resolved with the person who caused them (Step 1) and often, the only time anyone shows any real interest in helping is after Step 4 - when I've asked for it on Twitter. Kevin Smith knows this and Southwest has learned the hard way. But I still think a measured approach is more constructive than everyone just tweeting their rage and naming names.

On a final note, I'll say that the way this situation has spiralled in favour of Kevin Smith is a good reason why a) companies should always treat clients with respect and b) watch some movies guys. He's very recognizable!

You're As Big As A House and Other Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

I gained very little weight in either of my pregnancies due to prolongued morning sickness that lasted well into the ninth month and reared its head at all hours of the day and night. So, no one told me I was as large as a house (thankfully) but I was subjected to all manner of etiquette violations because, an impending birth, like all of lives monumentous occasions, brings out the crazy in people. I could write an entire blog about the dos and don'ts of maternity etiquette but I've distilled my pet peeves and advice to ten tips that will help whether you are the expectant mother, the doting partner, family, friends, colleagues, or a complete stranger. As a disclaimer, I have to admit that I've written these from the point of view of a woman who has carried two babies. I'm sure if my husband wrote this post, he would have different things to say...

1. Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

Are you pregnant? - If you have to ask, don't! All sorts of things can go wrong here. If the woman in question is not indeed pregnant then she does not need the implication that she has gained weight. Perhaps she is pregnant but has not yet shared her good news, in which case you've put her on the spot. Often times she has already delivered the baby but is still working on shedding the baby weight (no easy feat). Obviously, as women get farther on in the pregnancy, it becomes more obvious but I would say this is after the six month mark.

You're huge - Take it from me, if a pregnant woman has reached the point where her appearance elicits that kind of comment, she doesn't want to be reminded of it. She's large, uncomfortable and starting to wonder if she'll ever get her pre-pregnancy body back.

Are you planning to breastfeed? - Until I had my own kids, I didn't realize what a politicized issue this had become. How a mother will choose to nourish her offspring is a personal decision based on a host of factors. She should not have to disclose this to strangers or even well-meaning friends and colleagues. And, once the decision has been made, try to resist the urge to preach or change her mind.

2. Things You Should Try Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

Are you getting an epidural? - This question is often asked with the best of intentions and in the spirit of sharing your own experiences or giving advice. But pregnancy, especially with the first child is so overwhelming and unknown that it's really hard to make this decision until the moment arrives. If someone asks for your advice, feel free to share but if they don't, let them make up their own mind. And don't judge them if they change it when they're in labour.

Your whole life is going to change - Duh, no kidding! As anyone who has gone from childless to parent in 24 hours knows, this is true. But that doesn't mean that an expectant mother (or her spouse) needs to hear it over and over for nine months. If possible, share the joy of parenthood more than you talk about the lack of sleep.

3. Etiquette tips

Put comfort first - Just as you would with any friend or colleague who is not in their normal state of health, try to remember that a woman in the latter stages of pregnancy may not be able to stand for a long period of time, might need more water or more bathroom breaks. If you're having a gathering in your home, let the pregnant woman have the comfy chair. She'll love you for it.

Give up your seat - I was disappointed during both my pregnancies to see that the old rule of giving your subway seat to a pregnant woman was not followed by everyone. While people did occasionally offer me their seat, they were almost all females and elderly people. I don't want to tar everyone with the same brush but many able-bodied men looked right through me even when I was very obviously ready to give birth. I don't know if this was a lack of etiquette or a misguided fear of offending me in a post-feminist world but you should make the offer. If the person says "no" then at least you've done the right thing.

Keep your labour war stories to yourself - Many parents feel that someone else's pregnancy is an opportunity for them to talk about themselves. Sentences that start with "when I was pregnant" or "I hope you aren't as sick as I was" or 'I had the longest labour ever" are not helpful to someone who is already nervous about an unfamiliar stage of life.

Don't offload your junk - In the early years of parenting you amass hordes of stuff as you go through the stages of newborn, crawler, toddler, etc. until your home is filled to the brim with jolly jumpers, strollers, exersaucers, mobiles, sheets and clothes that no longer fit. Once your last child has used these acoutriments, the urge to rid yourself of them becomes an obsession and the temptation to dump it on an unsuspecting pregnant couple is almost too good to resist. But resist you must. Let them know you would be pleased to pass on your nearly-new items if and when they are interested. While some will appreciate it, others may want to buy their own baby things for varioius reasons and that's their decision.

4. For Spouses

Please don't complain about your pregnant spouse - I have a friend who's about to give birth and over dinner recently, her husband was kvetching about how she's become irritable. Maybe she has. She's probably exhausted, uncomfortable and anxious to bring a close to a tough nine months. Cut her some slack. I know that sometimes pregnant women can seem cranky and unreasonable. There is a famous story in my household from my second pregnancy when I asked my husband to bring me a Dairy Queen Skor blizzard and instead he went to Loblaws and bought a carton of vanilla ice cream and a jar of chocolate sauce. Apparently I went ballistic although my memory is foggy. Was I irrational? Absolutely! Did I have a right to be? Damn right.

A Couple of Things About Avatar

There was never any question that I would go to see Avatar. My husband and I love science fiction and, as fans of James Cameron's work, we followed the progress of his latest offering long before the title moved into the public consciousness. Film snobs we are not. Our life is already jam-packed with gritty realism so, on the rare occasion the stars align to give us a date night, we tend to favour escapism. While I'm happy to be challenged, provoked, or broadened by film, it's not necessary. In fact, sometimes, it's just too much work after I've put in a day at work and then tucked two rambunctious kids into bed. It is not important for me to be on the cutting edge, but it is important that I fill my precious leisure time with things I will truly enjoy.

So we have seen Avatar...twice...and we loved it. We've heard all of the arguments against it - it's all special effects and no story, the dialogue is leaden, the themes are cliche. Some of this criticism is warranted. It's clear that James Cameron has a viewpoint on war and climate change and he often uses a sledgehammer to drive home a point which could be made with a thumbtack. But that is immaterial. Avatar is a beautiful movie and more importantly, it's a movie event, the likes of which we haven't seen for many years.

From an etiquette point of view, Avatar has also renewed my faith in the movie-going public. Although I love going to the movie theatre, I am always dismayed by the lack of respect and manners displayed by my fellow attendees - feet on the back of seats, talking through the movie, constantly leaving the theatre to answer a ringing cell phone or worse still, answering it during the movie, texting with abandon, etc. At both showings of Avatar I attended, people of all ages behaved themselves. They were quiet, they were transfixed, they turned off their electronic devices and they stayed in their seats, not wanting to miss a thing. Whether or not you like Avatar, any movie that can do that has my vote.

While we're on the subject of etiquette, I generally argue against the excessive tooting of one's own horn, believing that if there is anything worth tooting, someone else will do it for you. Much ado has been made of James Cameron's overzealous acceptance speeches with such phrases as, "I'm the king of the world" (for Titanic) and now "I see you" (for Avatar). I get it, but I'm willing to make a teeny exception for James Cameron. Whether or not you enjoy his particular brand of entertainment, the man has a stellar track record, three blockbuster franchises (Terminator, Titanic and Avatar), the current #1 movie for ten weeks with a box office take that is rivaled only by another of his own movies. In his career he has contributed to the creation and perfection of film-making techniques and technologies that many of his peers have used to great effect. And, this is a guy who, over a 20 year time-frame has turned down many opportunities, preferring to retreat after each success, honing his craft and slowly working on his next project, determined to "do it right" even if it means being out of the limelight for years. Very few people in this world deserve to sing their own praises but I think, in his case, he's allowed.

Thoughts?