Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Should parents make their adult children send thank you cards?


I'm still waiting...


If you read this blog or follow my tweets, you'll know I'm a big believer in thank you cards, the old-fashioned handwritten ones, not the e-mail versions that are so popular nowadays.  But, as I'm not a complete Luddite, I realize that many people don't write cards any more and I'll take an electronic thank you over nothing at all, which is also sadly becoming commonplace.

A while ago I wrote a blog post about five occasions that require a thank-you card so I won't list them here but suffice to say, a proper thank you is required anytime someone gives you a gift.  As a mother of young children, I consider it my responsibility to ensure that my sons write cards of gratitude for most gifts they receive.  If five friends come to their birthday party and leave with loot bags, the thank-yous are said when the gift is received and I don't feel a more formal follow-up is required.  However, if grandma or another friend or relative takes the time to give them something special, and especially if the gift is sent through the mail, thank-you cards are mandatory.


Before they learned to print, I wrote their thank-you cards on their behalf, but since kindergarten, they've been writing out their own.  Despite this, I still encounter resistance every time I bring it up.  While my boys are only too eager to rip the wrapping paper off a present, they're decidedly less enthusiastic about formally thanking the gift-giver.  Nevertheless, cards are dragged out, pencils are shoved in little hands and, with some guidance from me on the right words, the task is (somewhat begrudgingly) completed.  I had hoped that, by starting this ritual early, it would become second nature by now but it still hasn't sunk in.  That's okay for now.  At their age, they are still more or less under my control so I can still "make" them do things they don't want to do.

But what about later on, when they're teenagers or even young adults?  Will they voluntarily continue the tradition I've started or will it fall by the wayside?  Since I probably won't be able to force them to sit at the table and actually write a thank you card or send a thank-you email, how do I know they'll "do the right thing"? Maybe they'll live in a society where thank-you cards are about as common as the buggy-whip or eight-track.

The subject came up recently when an old friend's daughter had a baby.  I've seen this girl grow up and consider her part of my extended family.  She lives about two hours away from me so when I heard about the new arrival, I bought a lovely gift and card and sent it to her by FedEx.  Months later, I haven't received so much as an acknowledgement that the gift was even received (although I verified with FedEx that it was delivered), never mind a thank-you card, or even an email or text message.

"It's the mother's fault.  She should encourage her daughter to use proper etiquette," said another friend of mine when I shared the situation with her.  While I do agree that it's up to parents to teach their kids proper etiquette, I don't like the idea of mothers being blamed for the shortcomings of their adult children (it's never the fathers of course) and I wonder how feasible it is for a mother to tell a 20-something child how to behave.  The conversation forced me to admit that my own fear of being judged as a "bad mother" is probably partially behind my insistence that my kids write thank-you cards.

I saw my friend, the new grandmother, recently and was planning to ask if she knew if the baby gift was received but I decided against it at the last minute.  Raising the topic would only make her feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to compound one etiquette faux pas with another.  No doubt, the baby has now grown out of the newborn outfit I purchased and I'll probably never know if it was liked, loved, loathed or even worn at all.

Do you have adult children?  Do they send thank you cards?  Would they listen to you if you suggested they need to do it?

14 comments:

  1. Oh, I hear you, Louise. I raised my children to write thank-you notes for all gifts received by mail, and they did so pretty happily. They are now adults. As far as I know, one of my daughters continues to write thank-you notes, usually by hand. Both will send thank-you emails when they receive a gift. I wish they would always write a note, but they are adults and I don't want to intervene. Like you, I have sent baby gifts and wedding gifts to some people without receiving any acknowledgment.

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  2. I was hoping that people not acknowledging gifts I sent was an anomaly. So sad to hear that it's happened to you too. That said, I'm glad to hear that teaching children proper etiquette at an early age sticks with them later. Very encouraging.

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  3. is it proper for parents to write a note of thanks for their adult childrens' wedding? my son was married last august and there are still no thank you's that have been sent out. i realize that many people do not even remember if they received a thank you or not, but i know that none have been sent. can i write a note to all that i know sent gifts or attended the wedding. so many of the gifts they received were quite substantial. i am exasperated. i definetly taught my son the importance of thanking people for their gifts. my husband and i are beside ourselves with this!

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  4. Oh, I feel your pain. I'm so sorry you're having to agonize over this when the people who should be concerned don't seem to be. I'm assuming that you've followed up with your son and daughter-in-law to remind them of their obligation to officially thank their guests and maybe even offered to spend an afternoon helping them to write them out? While I'm sure you're mortified, it's not really appropriate for you to send the cards. If there's someone that you specifically wanted on the guest list (e.g. an old family friend), you could perhaps send a note thanking them for attending but that's about it.

    p.s. I still haven't received a thank you note for the gift I posted about.

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  5. I thought about writing graduation thank you cards for my 18 year old daughter....."I apologize for my daughter's thoughtlessness and she was raised to know better, but I, as her mother, would like to thank you for your gift and acknowledging her on this very special occasion."

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  6. And here I thought I could teach my kids lessons that they would run with...Easier said than done eh? Since I wrote this post, many people have told me that they've been tempted to write thank you cards on behalf of their kids. At least then the gift givers wouldn't "blame the parents" :)

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  7. I dont think people should blame the parents, I raised my sons to write thank you cards for mailed gifts , where they could not call and say thank you.One of them has married and moved away, and now i am lucky if I get a phone call thank you from him or his wife, this is not how he was raised. However, the art of saying thank you has become increasingly lax.I am always bothered by people online that say, well if you are sending it for the right reasons, ie you want to give,then that should be enough for you, and you shouldnt expect a thank you, and make it seem as if there is something wrong with the giver for even expecting an acknowledgement and thank you. Or worse those that say they didn't ask for a gift so why should they say thank you. NONSENSE! saying thank you doesn't take long, it shows appreciation and gratitude, and gives joy to the giver who took considerably more time to send the gift. It should always be done, to ignore a gift by not acknowledging it is rude in every way, regardless of the new excuses for not doing it.

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    Replies
    1. I strongly agree with you on all points! I sought out this site because I wondered why adult children(nieces and nephews)are not taking on the social responsibilities of giving gifts or sending cards to family members celebrating special occasions like weddings and births. Their parents do it all!!These kids are in some cases married and all range in age from 20's to 30's!! I'm wondering if anyone can explain this! Not bragging, just thankful that my own children take care of their social obligations on their own!

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  8. Since writing this post, I've heard from many frustrated parents who are mortified by the ungrateful behaviour of their grown-up children. I guess as parents, all we can do is do our best to teach our kids manners and nag them till a certain age. I'm not sure what it is but I would certainly annoy them about specific things like thank you cards for wedding gifts until they're done.

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  9. Hi there, awesome site. I thought the topics you posted on were very interesting. I tried to add your RSS to my feed reader and it a few. take a look at it, hopefully I can add you and follow.













    Sending Gifts to Chennai

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  10. I am 13 years old when I get presents I write a list of what I get and who from I then phone up who I got them from to say thank you for my presents they were great... Should I still do thank you cards?

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  11. That's amazing that you take the time to say thank you on the phone. I think that's more than enough.

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  12. How about this? These two adult children, my nephew and niece, ages 21 and 24, live at home. My husband and I had made plans with their parents, my brother and sisterinlaw, well in advance to stop late morning (11 AM) for Christmas Day. We brought gifts (gift cards)and treats for all. Not only could my niece not be bothered to get up to see us, my sister in law felt compelled to write an email thank you note on their behalf. Part of me says, no more gifts, the other part is sad, because this is the first indication of their lack of appreciation.

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  13. What do you do when your adult college-aged relatives parents' send you their thank you notes via email! Yes, that happens to us all the time.

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