8 Commandments of the Checkout Line

The funny thing about etiquette is, it’s the little things that drive us nuts.  Sure, there are thousands of etiquette books and hundreds of guidelines about netiquette and dress codes and proper forms of introduction but when it comes right down to it, we become most infuriated when people violate the small, unwritten rules of civility.  Few of us are offended if someone wears white after Labour Day or sticks their name tag on the wrong side of their body, but try to sneak 11 items into the express checkout lane and we turn into Emily Post.  In my observations of everyday etiquette, I have noticed that the grocery store checkout lane is a bottomless pit of bad manners so I thought I’d address some of the worst offences here, in Moses style.

1. Thou shalt not disobey the express checkout rules – If you’re able to shop for, and pay for, groceries on your own, you must know how to count to 10 (or eight, or whatever the case may be where you shop).  Eleven is not 10.  Twelve is not 10.  Only 10 is 10.  And, in case you’re wondering, two of the same item still counts as two, not one.

2. Thou shalt have your cards ready – Before you enter the store, or at least when your groceries are being checked through, locate the card you wish to pay with.  Nothing is more frustrating than seeing someone dig through a wallet or bag searching for an elusive debit, credit or worse, points card, while a lineup of shoppers fumes behind them.  Have your payment card at the ready and if you can’t find your Air Miles or PC Points card, just leave it and vow to be more organized next time.  I actually stood in line once while a cashier let someone go out to their car to look for a points card.

3. Thou shalt not force price checks – I get it. There’s nothing worse than picking up ten frozen pizzas because you think they’re $2.99, only to see them clock in at $5.99 but that doesn’t mean you can hold up the entire line to prove a point.  If the deal was advertised in the flyer, show it to the cashier.  If you thought you saw a sign, and there aren’t too many others in line, have them check.  But holding up five other shoppers because you’re convinced the margarine was $.10 off when you have no evidence to back it up, is not cool.

4. Thou shalt prequalify your coupons – So you’ve seen Extreme Couponing and you want to get in on the action.  Fine, frugality is good.  But, as a fellow couponer, I can tell you that Canadian coupons are much more restrictive than their U.S. counterparts and your efforts to save money will often be stymied by expiration dates, quantity limits and pairing restrictions.  Coupons are great but before you dig through your purse for that that crumpled scrap entitling you to $.50 off cheese strings, read the fine print.

5. Thou shalt try to pack your groceries quickly – Now that we pay for plastic bags and stores no longer pay teenagers to bag our purchases, many of us have to cram our fish fingers and milk into a mish-mash of reusuable bags, bins and backpacks.  Understandably, this takes time but there’s no need to be a perfectionist about it.  Finish the job as quickly as possible and move on so that the next customer can use the conveyor belt. 

6. Thou shalt not alleviate boredom by talking into your cell phone – I know checkout lines are boring but that’s what the National Enquirer is for.  If three-headed dogs aren’t your thing, browse the news on your smart phone but refrain from long, annoying conversations.  Remember that the people sharing the line with you are trapped and can’t get away from your inane conversation. If you can’t resist, at least hang up when it’s time to pay.  Trying to fish a credit card out of your wallet while simultaneously bending your head to keep your phone from falling, all while having a conversation, is not only time-consuming, it’s disrespectful.  

7. Thou shalt behave if you’re allowed to go ahead – Once in a while, you will find yourself behind someone with a bulging cart when you only have two things.  Depending on their mood, time constraints and level of awareness, they may let you go in front of them.  They may not and that’s their prerogative.  If they do let you go ahead, you must not hold them up in any way.  That means no questions, no price checks, no haggling over price.

8. Thou shalt not chit-chat – This is not really an issue in a large city where most transactions are anonymous and the chances that you know a cashier personally are minimal.  However, in the small town where I grew up, it’s not uncommon to wait in a checkout line while the customer in front of you chats with the cashier, getting caught up on everything from her mother’s hip replacement to the upcoming Rotary BBQ at the arena.  I know this is lovely and we all need to smell the roses, etc. but when people are waiting in line, it’s best to keep social chat for social events.

Is there anything you would like to add to the checkout line commandments?  I would love it if I could get two more to make an even ten. 

Should you disrupt your primary job function to be "nice"?

But I was just trying to be nice...

Last weekend, I left the cottage with my kids to return to Toronto for an afternoon engagement.  I had just enough time to get there with one coffee stop and one bathroom break. Yes,  I should have given myself more time but that's another story.

Feeling groggy and facing a three-hour car trip, I decided to pick up some coffee at a local coffee shop to steel myself for the trip. I won't name the coffee chain here but it is a huge chain with a great deal of Canadian share of heart and a long history in this country.  Some would characterize their coffee as uninspired but I like it.  It's mild and reliable and I know exactly how it will taste and that appeals to me. 

Mindful of my impending deadline, I checked the drive-thru line and since there were only two cars in it, I calculated I could complete my transaction in five minutes, seven if someone was ordering a sandwich.  I would have gone into the store but I was alone with my kids and wasn't in the mood for what would happen if they came face to face with the doughnut display case.

When I joined the drive-thru line, I was third.  One car was at the window already and another had just placed an order.  After ten minutes, the line hadn't budged and new cars had joined in behind me.  I assumed that perhaps the driver in the first car had ordered breakfast for several people and it was taking a while to microwave the eggs and sausage.  After 15 minutes,  there were eight cars behind me and I started to worry that something was wrong and the mechanism that signals waiting cars to the drive-through was malfunctioning.  So, jammed in a static line with no way out, I did something I almost never do.  I honked my horn, quickly and only once.  Seconds later, a furious voice came through the order speaker announcing that the staff of this particular coffee chain do not appreciate it when people in the drive-thru honk their horns and to stop it at once.

Soundly put in my place, I slunk down in my seat and waited my turn.  Finally the first car drove off, the second one was dealt with quickly and I sheepishly pulled up to the window.  If looks could kill, I wouldn't be here to write this post so, I smiled wanly at the clerk and explained hat I had honked my horn because I became frustrated with the delay and lack of communication.  She smiled back and said, "Oh, that's okay. The driver of the first car was going somewhere and asked us for directions.  Two of us were trying to help him get where he was going."

I was floored.  I know that she truly believed that by explaining that the holdup was due to their efforts to be nice, I would trade in my impatient attitude for a newly-acquired appreciation of their sense of community. Sadly, it had the opposite effect.  Although I didn't verbalize it, inside I was thinking, "I waited for 20 minutes so you could give someone driving directions?"  At this point, I just wanted to pay for my coffee and get out of there, which I did, after lifting the lid to make sure all looked normal.

I fumed all the way home and pondered why I was so upset about what was, at its base, a gesture of kindness.  It occurred to me that, in our paid work, whatever that might be, we all have things that are considered our primary function.  A plumber's primary function is to repair broken pipes, a coffee chain employee's primary function is to serve coffee and in my role as a freelance communicator, my primary function would be to communicate on behalf of my clients.  In the course of our day to day life, we also encounter requests for help or other interruptions, that do not coincide with the primary functions of our paid work but could be considered part of the primary function of our existence as human beings and citizens in a society.  But we can't respond to everything that is put in our path. We need to assess, consider the consequences and make decisions.  While most people would willingly arrive late at a meeting so they can help the victim of a car accident, it's probably not a good idea to make customers wait 20 minutes for coffee so you can tell someone how to get to a bed and breakfast.  In this case, there was an easy fix.  The coffee chain employee could simply have asked the driver to pull over, come into the store and wait until there was a lull in the customer traffic.  

Later on that day, I tweeted to the coffee chain that I had experienced a service disruption in one of their franchises.  They responded immediately and suggested I call their guest services line so that I might explain the situation in detail the next morning.  I did so, spoke with a wonderful woman who apologized profusely and promised to follow up with the store in question.  

Overall, I was pleased with the customer service response and I hung up the phone, relieved that, despite a small blip, I had been treated with respect and kindness and could continue to patronize my favourite coffee shop. 

Seven Secrets of Holiday Shopping Etiquette

Another Black Friday has come and gone in the U.S. and, as usual, the annual festive shopping spree was marred by unfortunate incidents.  At a Los Angeles Wal-Mart, an overzealous woman pepper-sprayed twenty other customers to "protect her purchases" from prying hands. In Little Rock, a screaming mob tussled over a $2 waffle maker and across the country, gun-toting thugs took advantage of the situation to hold up and threaten shoppers in parking lots.

I'm not going to comment on the economic realities and misplaced priorities that drive humans to hurt each other so they can have cheap, indented pancakes. But the disgraceful behaviour of these bargain-happy shoppers got me thinking about our own festive shopping season. Thankfully, we rarely have incidents of this magnitude but roasting hot malls, too few parking spots and increasing stress levels can cause even the most polite of us to forget it's the season of goodwill to all men (and women).  So, while there's still time, here are my seven secrets for holiday shopping etiquette:

Accept reality - Face it.  If you leave shopping until the last couple of weeks, you will not be able to avoid crowds and lineups.  Accept that before you go, arrive as early as possible, leave the kids at home, bring snacks and dress comfortably to mitigate the effects of holiday shopping syndrome.  Fighting against the inevitable is only going to make you cranky.

Don't expect special treatment - Keep in mind, everyone else is there for the same reason as you.  Despite what you may think, you are not busier, more frantic or more stressed than anyone else.  When it's time to pay for your purchases, get in line and brace yourself for a long wait.  Don't butt in or ask people if you can go ahead of them because you are due back in the office or because you have children, are old, are sick, etc.

Focus on the task at hand - Long lineups can be boring but please resist the urge to use the time for a loud cell phone conversation.   Customers who are already feeling frazzled don't need to hear you droning on about how busy the store is (they know) to your friends and family.  Plus, it usually means you will still be on the phone when it's your turn to pay.  This is not only disrespectful to the cashier, but it usually results in a longer wait for the people behind you as you try to load your purchases on the counter and fish out your wallet with one hand.

Keep it simple - I once fumed in a line-up as the person in front of me decided that December 23 was a good day to return and exchange a boatload of merchandise, all of which had been purchased at different times and on different credit cards.  Out of respect for your fellow shoppers, keep it simple, buy your stuff and move on.  Leave the complicated transactions for January and don't agree to sign up for the store credit card.  Be pleasant and offer seasonal good wishes but keep the unnecessary chit chat for a less frantic time.

Don't fuel parking lot rage - In the days leading up to Christmas, there are officially more drivers than parking spots so good parking manners are essential.  If you see a spot about to open up, pull off to the side of the aisle and turn on your indicator.  Try not to block the entire aisle.  If you see that someone has done this, don't swoop in and steal the spot out from under them. Bad manners and bad karma. Don't tailgate people as they come out of stores, creepily following them to their parking spots.  If you are leaving a parking spot, make it snappy. There's nothing worse than a person who takes ten minutes to arrange their shopping bags in the trunk while you're waiting to get into their spot. And, unless you want expletive-laden messages left on your vehicle, don't ever take up more than one spot.

Vent your anger where it belongs - Did you arrive at Toys R Us only to discover that location doesn't carry the thingamabob that was advertised in the flyer?  Is the 50 per cent off price not showing up after the item was scanned?  That's horrible luck but don't take it out on the store staff. They are not usually responsible for supply chain management or cash register coding and can offer nothing more than sympathy.  If you feel it's worth pursuing, ask to speak to the store manager or call the head office once you get home.  Or, vote with your feet and shop somewhere else.

Smile - Remember that the reason you're there is to buy gifts for people that you love and celebrate friends and family.  Regardless of your opinion on the 'consumerization' of the holidays, if you've chosen to participate, do it with a smile.  Say please and thank you and everything will be better.  This also applies to cashiers and other retail staff.  Yes, it's a busy time and the customers are frazzled but it's your job to make their lives easier so be pleasant about it.

Curtailed by a coupon

On my way home from work yesterday, I stopped at a supermarket to pick up some staples. I hate shopping during rush hour - parking is scarce, stores are crowded and everyone is tired and hungry. At the checkout, I found myself behind a woman who was searching for a coupon. Her purchases had been tallied and the cashier was waiting for payment as the frazzled customer rifled through her handbag and rummaged in her pockets, to no avail.

As time ticked on, most of the contents of her purse - old receipts, gloves, cell phone, wallet - spilled out onto the conveyor belt. When she couldn't locate the lost coupon, she attempted to negotiate with the cashier, asking her to give the discount without the coupon. The annoyed teenager explained politely that every coupon needs to be scanned. After a sigh of indignation, coupon lady thought it might be in her coat, which she had left somewhere else and the cash register was suspended in mid-checkout while she went off to look for it.

Eventually, I abandoned the line and went to another cash register, muttering under my breath that the woman's behaviour was impolite (I know, I know, an etiquette faux pas in itself. I blame my grumbling stomach). Coupon lady responded to this with a glare that would sink a ship.

When my groceries were bought and paid for and I was leaving the store, the woman was still frantically searching for the errant coupon.

I have absolutely nothing against saving money. We clip coupons in our household all the time. Sometimes we remember to take them when we go shopping and sometimes we don't and they are saved until next time. In this economy, everyone has a right to look for ways to trim costs.

However, since we share all of society's public spaces, we don't have a right to inconvenience others in our quest to meet our individual needs. If you're at a cash register and there are people behind you, find what you need quickly and move on. If you cannot find your coupon (or frequent flyer number or VIP card), you need to save it for next time and get better organized.