Tipping wait staff - obligation or nicety?

They seem happy.  I wonder how much they'll leave me...


There has been a lot of discussion in Toronto media lately about whether the standard restaurant tip should go up to the Manhattan standard of 20 per cent from the current standard 15 per cent so I thought I'd sort out some of the misinformation that's out there from an etiquette point of view.  


Before I begin, let me say that I worked as a waitress in a very busy restaurant for about a year so I am well aware of the rigours of the job - the hours on your feet, the demanding customers, the heavy trays, a pace that is often so frantic, you don't even have time to eat.  Despite this, I considered it to be a great job at the time because the tips I earned offset the hourly minimum wage I was receiving. I was also fitter than any other time in my life, but I digress.


The point is, I considered myself very lucky to be in a job that involved tips because I had many friends who were also working in minimum wage jobs in retail and clerical environments who didn't receive any tips at all.  That said, I knew that the size of the tip, if one was given, depended on the diner.  For the most part, the harder I hustled, the higher my tips but there were no guarantees. Sometimes I provided amazing service and got nothing.  That's life.  Now that I've been in the workforce for two decades I believe that every job is hard, every job has challenges and every job has aspects of it that make you feel unappreciated and disrespected.  No single profession or industry has a monopoly on hard work. 


A little about the history of this practice.  Tipping started in the taverns of 17th century England when thirsty patrons would slip bartenders a bit of extra money "to ensure promptitude" (the origin of the word, T.I.P).  It migrated to North America in the 1800s and, while it had a bit of a bumpy start, it is now widespread and even expected here. 


The practice of tipping varies among cultures.  In some countries, it is not expected at all and in others it makes up the bulk of the server's pay.  In some U.S. states, restaurant owners are allowed to pay wait staff less than minimum wage so that patrons can "make up" the remainder of their salary through tips which seems unethical.  Here in Canada, restaurant servers have to receive at least minimum wage and many of them rely upon tips to pad their take-home pay.  Culturally, refusing to leave a tip or leaving an amount considered less than appropriate, is often seen as cheap or insensitive and will often bring on the wrath of your dining companions. 


The standard tip in Toronto is about 15 per cent of the pre-tax bill although I have certainly been in situations where I've rounded it up to 20 per cent for ease of calculation or to recognize outstanding service.  Although using percentages is simple, it bases the tip on the size of the bill, rather than the quality of the service which is not necessarily the fairest approach.  A family with kids could easily use up a lot more of a waiter's time on a $50 dinner than a couple might use on a $100 dinner.  


Although tipping is commonplace in Toronto, it's important to remember that it shouldn't feel like an obligation and the amount itself is technically also at the patron's discretion, although most will abide by the standard.  Some restaurants get around this by automatically adding a tip (gratuity) to tables of eight or more.  Although I've never complained, this doesn't sit quite right with me as it turns the tip into a non-negotiable transaction rather than a gift for a job well done.  According to a recent Toronto Star article, a growing number of restaurants in Toronto have reprogrammed their debit and credit machines to prompt patrons to include a 20 per cent tip.  According to owners, many guests have welcomed the change but there is a presumptuous air about it which doesn't account for the fact that the tip is technically optional and the amount should be based on the quality of the service.  


As when I was working as a waitress, there are still many people today making minimum wage in jobs which don't provide any tips.  Most of the time, these jobs are no less grueling or demanding.  There is just no cultural expectation built up around how they are rewarded.


Over 20 years of dining out, I have had outstanding service and I have had crappy service.  I have waited for 15 minutes to even be acknowledged and I have been plagued by over-zealous  staff who are at the table every two minutes. I have had friendly, service-oriented waiters who genuinely want to enhance my experience and sullen, bored ones who seemed like they couldn't wait to get home.  Even after my worst experiences, I have never had the nerve to leave nothing.  In the end, guilt or the opinion of my tablemates gets to me and I begrudgingly give something.  On the flip side, I have occasionally provided 25 per cent tips when the service warranted it.  This is as it should be.


I'd love to hear your opinions on this, where you stand, how you approach tipping.  And, while I did my research before writing this and based it on my own experience, if I'm missing a big piece of the information pie or some important context, please enlighten me.

But I Only Had Water - How To Split The Bill And Stay Friends

Several years ago, I attended a birthday dinner for a close friend at a high-end restaurant of her choice. There were about 20 people at the table, half of whom I didn't know. At the time, I was trying to dig myself out of debt and had a very limited entertainment budget. Accordingly, I ordered one glass of wine and a small salad. Other guests ordered expensive entrees and, while some asked for appetizers "for the table", I made sure I didn't touch them as I was short on cash. When the waiter brought our group cheque, the person on my right (a stranger to me) grabbed it first and it gradually made its way around the table with each person putting in what they felt they owed.



When it finally came back to me, I put in my fair share and counted the large wad of cash in the billfold. To my horror, I realized that it was $30 short of the total, even before the tip was factored in. I got the group's attention and suggested that perhaps some people had forgotten to put in their share of the tax, tip and contribution to the birthday girl's meal. I was met with blank stares, awkward glances and a few murmurs that a couple of people had left early. After an interminable silence, a precious few of us cobbled together enough money to make up the difference and leave a decent, although not generous tip. While I was never able to prove it, I'm convinced that one or two of the guests contributed nothing at all and the whole experience left a very bad taste in my mouth.

I'm sure this scenario, or elements of it, are familiar to anyone who has ever dined in a group and it provides an opportunity to explore several dining etiquette questions: If someone organizes and hosts a dinner, who pays? Is it okay to establish how the bill will be handled at the beginning and ask for separate cheques? Should the bill be split evenly or according to what people owe? What is the appropriate protocol when everyone has contributed and there's still not enough?

Unfortunately, this is one of those murky etiquette areas where there is no correct answer, no Emily Post dictate from on high to reassure us that we're right and everyone else is wrong. It's really a question of the occasion, the group, precedent, and how well everyone knows each other. Sadly, group dining also involves facing up to some unpleasant human truths like the fact that, when we find ourselves confronting the honour system, not all of us will rise to the occasion and behave honourably.
Everyone has different beliefs about money and everyone feels strongly about it. My mother's theory was "it's made round to go round" but you might feel that "a penny saved is a penny earned". After more than 20 years on the group dining circuit, my personal theory is that every circle of friends includes a cheapskate. He's the one who whips out his calculator when the bill comes, doesn't have any cash on him when you're filling the car for a weekend trip, or always offers to bring the soft drinks to a pot luck dinner. Fiscal beliefs run deep and chances are remote that this person will change his ways and start throwing money around. But, he may have many other wonderful qualities. You need to decide if your friendship is more important than the fact that he has trouble parting with funds, and if it is, accept it and move on.
Does the host pay for everyone? There is an etiquette guideline about restaurant meals and that is, the person who does the inviting is the one who pays. While this might be clear in a business setting between two people, it's a bit murky in a social setting where someone might take responsibility for organizing a dinner get-together but has no intention of covering the cost. In this case, if you're concerned about how the bill will be divided, bring it up with the organizer before hand.
Do honourees pay for themselves? Although there's no firm rule, it's generally accepted that, when the occasion is a celebration of a birthday or other anniversary, the person being feted will be treated by the others. If this is the case, it's essential to ensure before the meal start,s that the other guests know they need to factor a percentage of her meal, tax and tip into their contribution. The easiest way to handle it is for the other guests to split the bill evenly, in which case the guest of honour can offer to perhaps provide the tip...or not.
When should you split the bill evenly? My belief is if this is a group of friends or family that you dine with often, or even a group that includes some strangers, every bill should just be split evenly to avoid awkwardness. Life is too short and the hope is that it will all even out over time. As they say, sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug. When the cheque is placed on the table someone needs to take charge, calculate the total including tax and tip and let everyone know how much they owe. Clean, simple and hassle-free!
But what if I only had a salad? This is where it gets tough. Some people routinely eat more than others. Some drink alcohol with every meal. Some never order dessert...and so on. There's no question that splitting a bill evenly favours the big eaters and drinkers and punishes those who didn't consume much. I have a friend who always orders less than everyone else and, when the bill comes, she takes it and announces what she owes and plunks down exactly that much in cash. The rest of us, who are not so concerned, usually split the remainder between us and we get back to the socializing part of the evening, which, after all, is why we're there. You could try this approach, or, you could follow the advice of another friend of mine who, after being repeatedly 'burned' by splitting the bill evenly, came up with her own system. When she arrives at a group dinner, she always asks the waiter for a separate bill on the pretense that she might have to leave early. Sometimes she does leave early and sometimes she stays till the end but she never pays more than her share.
If you're only paying your share, only eat your share - Some people want to have their cake and eat it too - literally. They order very little and only pay for what they actually ordered when the bill comes, but during the meal, they have no problems taking that last piece of bruschetta from the platter or dipping their fork into someone else's dessert. If you insist on just paying for what you ordered, you can't partake of the communal plates, lest you want to become the subject of negative post-dinner gossip.
Choose with care - If you are organizing a group dinner, you need to take into account the economic situations and desires of your guests. Chances are you guests are experiencing a wide range of fiscal realities. Some may be flush with cash and others could be unemployed or have fiscal obligations that you don't have. If you choose a high-end restaurant, be prepared for the fact that it might be difficult for some guests to attend. If you are a guest in this situation, it's okay to call up the organizer and let her know that you would love to go but you can't afford it. Maybe she'll offer to treat you, or maybe not.
Honesty is the best policy - If you're the big eater/drinker in the group and find yourself in a situation where the bill is not being split evenly, PAY YOUR SHARE. It's very poor etiquette to expect others to fund your hunger (or gluttony). Ante up and put in an extra share of the tip since the wait staff probably had to do more work for you. Believe me, nobody likes a mooch!